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Case Number 09905

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Komodo Vs. Cobra

Lionsgate // 2006 // 94 Minutes // Rated PG-13
Reviewed by Judge David Johnson // August 25th, 2006

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All Rise...

Judge David Johnson wishes the filmmakers would have titled this Komodo Fights Cobra. The partially amusing acronym would be much more entertaining than the oily discharge that is the actual movie.

The Charge

"According to the law, I have the last word."—holds up gun—"And this is the last word."
—Michael Pare in KVC

Opening Statement

We've got Komodo dragons and pythons and boas and cobras to work with, and the only challenge for these filmmakers, I suppose, is to figure out how to include as many of these poorly-rendered CGI beasts into the same movie, and release it with a different title over and over and over again on the Sci-Fi channel. Komodo vs. Cobra is the latest mutated-reptile grudge match and, jeepers, does it blow.

Facts of the Case

B-movie mainstay Michael Pare headlines this laughingstock as Captain Michael Stoddard, a grizzled former military bigshot, who now makes a living as a charter pilot. A group of attractive, moronic reps from One Planet—a tree-hugging eco-group—enlists Stoddard to take them on a dangerous tour of an island that sounds a lot like that island from Jurassic Park 3. Apparently, One Planet has discovered the Evil United States Government has been screwing around with genetics and mutating animals for defense purposes (of course, but the question remains: how exactly would a 30-foot Komodo Dragon help pursue Al Qaeda?). Surely using daddy's trust fund money, the young eco-happy upstarts wish to expose this malfeasance to the world.

Stoddard agrees to take this band of merry Birkenstockers to the island, and as soon as they set foot on the shore, mutant wackiness commences. An impossibly huge Komodo chases them to the secret government compound, where they meet up with one of the original project scientists, a gorgeous brunette who looks less like a genetic expert and more like that hoochie who dissed you at the dance club Friday night, which made your buddies laugh at you all during the cab ride back to your apartment.

The Komodo isn't the only thing our heroes have to worry about. There's also a giant, man-eating Cobra prowling the grounds, two-foot long mutant leeches lurking in the water, and Glori-Anne Gilbert's mammoth breasts preparing to detonate at any moment, coating the entire island with a toxic saline compound.

The Evidence

This movie is atrocious, on a Biblical scale. Don't let the wannabe-edgy poseur KVC abbreviation fool you: there is noting hip or cool about this moronic waste of time.

Let's start with the main draw of the film, the creatures. You got a huge Komodo and a huge Cobra and the like roaring and devouring people. Unfortunately, due to prehistoric computer animation, these beasts are utterly unbelievable as anything approaching living, breathing monsters. There is zero sense of menace or danger in the big confrontations as the protagonists run around wildly, firing their guns, screaming and waving their arms at computer graphics that my Xbox 360 can render with one VMX-128 Vector Unit tied behind its back. Actually, the only creatures that elicited an atom of reaction from me were the mutant slugs, mainly because they were props.

Speaking of people running around firing guns, I don't know what it is with these big-ass mutant reptile movies, but there seems to be handful of rules each entry must abide by to receive the green-light: one is to include Glori-Anne Gilbert in the proceedings wearing as tight a shirt as possible, and the second is to ensure that the good guys never reload. Michael Pare has several scenes where he's just unloading his pistols into the creatures and the gunshots continue, uninterrupted, for a long, long, long time. In one face-off with the Cobra, I lost count around 50. That's one clip.

Pare may be gifted with the "Gunfire to Perpetuity" magic touch, but the guy is probably the worst actor ever. His performance in KVC consisted wholly of shooting and leaning on door jambs with his arms crossed, looking pensive and implementing the word "pal" as a suffix. Not that he has any danger of being upstaged by his fellow thespians, who exist solely to fill out their tank tops and stand still while crappy CGI eats them to death.

That's about all I've got to say about this whale harpoon enema of a film. Oh, wait, there is one more thing I can say. All this talk about Komodos versus Cobras? It's crap. As is the norm for these "versus" movies, the two titular titans square off for, seriously, about two minutes at the end, before getting firebombed by the Air Force. Wait, did I just spoil the ending for you? Too bad. You deserve it if you want to watch this movie.

The Rebuttal Witnesses

Sound and video options are decent and that's about all there is of substance in this sad affair—1.78:1 anamorphic widescreen and a loud 5.1 Dolby Digital surround track.

Closing Statement

About two-thirds of the way through the film, one of the characters videotapes her goodbye. She says, verbatim: "The monsters you've seen on this tape are not the creations of a Hollywood FX wizard." True dat.

The Verdict

We all lose this one, kids.

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Scales of Justice

Video: 85
Audio: 80
Extras: 50
Acting: 30
Story: 30
Judgment: 35

Perp Profile

Studio: Lionsgate
Video Formats:
• 1.78:1 Anamorphic
Audio Formats:
• Dolby Digital 5.1 Surround (English)
• Dolby Digital 2.0 Surround (English)
• English
• Spanish
Running Time: 94 Minutes
Release Year: 2006
MPAA Rating: Rated PG-13
• Action
• Bad
• Horror

Distinguishing Marks

• Trailers

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