Judge David Johnson is officially embarrassed for King Kong.
First Linda Hamilton, now this.
I don't how they did it, but some idiots combined the character of King Kong with the lost city of Atlantis, some reptile people, and a couple of surfer dudes. And it's a musical! God help us all.
Facts of the Case
Here's what we have: Kong has been resurrected through the miracle of genetic engineering. The original gorilla's DNA was mixed with the DNA of a young hip dude named Jason, and the result was leaner, more powerful, and bluer Kong who hangs around a rainforest and takes orders from a scantily-clad shaman-woman. When danger strikes, Kong leaps into action; but when the danger is wicked-extreme, Jason uses some kind of mental projection doo-hickey that looks like the headset for an Xbox controller and combines psyches with Kong, unleashing a super-Kong with flashing blue eyes.
One day, the shaman realizes that a disastrous prophecy is about to come true: with a solar eclipse as the harbinger, Atlantis will rise again, and Kong is destined to rule as king, alongside the dastardly Queen Reptilla and her freakish minions.
It lies with Jason, the shaman, his totally tubular Gap-buddy, and an orphaned bear to prevent the prophecy from transpiring and spring Kong from the clutches of Reptilla.
The above synopsis is all true, I swear. Yes, I know that it seems like the incoherent ramblings of a deranged mental patient riding high on an overdose of psychotropic medication, but that's how this insane story goes down.
Kong: King of Atlantis is awesomely stupid, and one of the most ridiculous pieces of animation I've seen in a long, long time. And that includes those Nasonex commercials with the sneezing bumblebee. The concept is, obviously, insipid. Kong here is nothing like the Kong from the films; he's big and tough, sure, but an oversensitive pantywaist too. The thrust of the story is that Kong has his feelings hurt when the shaman and his buddy Jason get into an argument over who Kong should listen to. As such, the big fella storms off in a huff, and falls for the wiles of Queen Reptilla and her promise of power. Which leaves the humans (plus the bear) to track down the city of Atlantis, while engaging in some truly awful singing.
And about that singing—the disc jacket talks about the inclusion of "three original songs," but if I were the marketing guy at Warner Home Video, I wouldn't bring attention to it. These musical set-pieces are downright comical! You've got a showstopper where Jason and the shaman talk about how great Kong is and how he should do their will, then a song and dance routine from a gaggle of lightning bugs, praising Kong while they dress him in his kingly garments, capped by a final duet between Jason and the shaman about how they need to put their differences aside and become friends. Horrible, horrible, horrible.
And let me tell you the suckiest thing in this whole sucky affair: Kong, this supposed kick-ass defender of the world and helper of drowning bear cubs, is largely passive throughout the entire godforsaken 68 minutes. This is the homeboy who made his bones ripping the jaws of dinosaurs apart and eating natives like they were beef jerky. This Kong is too busy sitting on a throne—in robes!!—to bother mixing it up. In fact, the only action he gets into is at the very end when he judo-chops a couple of mutant lizards, but even then punked out by doing that mind-meld gag with Jason.
Steer clear of this pathetic affront to the name of Kong. Go watch one of those Internet videos of a chimp peeing on himself—I guarantee it will be more captivating.
If you love your kids, you'll keep them away from this worthless piece of animation.
Guilty. Kong needs to take a second and reevaluate his life.
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Scales of Justice
Studio: Warner Bros.
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