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Case Number 18732: Small Claims Court

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The Lair: The Complete Third Season

E1 Entertainment // 2009 // 351 Minutes // Not Rated
Reviewed by Judge Brett Cullum // April 16th, 2010

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All Rise...

Judge Brett Cullum thinks vampires are gay, and here's the show to prove necks aren't the only things they suck on.

The Charge

Love Bites!

The Case

Long before HBO's racy take on vampires in True Blood, Gay network Here! had already combined horror and erotica successfully with Dante's Cove and its sister show The Lair. The former show was full of ghosts of witches, but this one is all about gay vampires. In The Lair: The Complete Third Season we get to see porn stars delve right into the supernatural, and somehow forget their clothes along the way. You see the Lair in the story is a gay sex club run by vampires, and you're just as likely to have your neck sucked as much as any other part of your body. Most of the time the sex is softcore, but then again so are the plots.

The third year continues the saga of Thom (David Moretti, Murder.com), a handsome human who is the boy toy of main vampire Damian (Peter Stickles, Shortbus). Back from the (un)dead is Collin (Dylan Vox, Homewrecker…aka "Brad Benton" of porn fame) who gets resurrected early on. A sexy male medusa named Athan (Steven Hirschi) shows up, and soon people are getting stoned left and right. Adding even more wacky is exploitation superstar Sybil Danning (Howling II: Your Sister Is a Werewolf) who appears as a rich investor named Von Hess who wants to own the club for her own devious reasons. Of course we also get the continuing story of Sheriff Trout played by porn legend Colton Ford (Naked Fame). Season Three seems to have a definite ending to the whole series, but it will be interesting to see if the creators decide to go for a fourth year. As long as the cast keeps their gym memberships anything is possible.

The stories are silly, plots never make sense, the acting is porn level, effects are super cheesy, and the sex never goes far enough; however, dang it all to hell if The Lair isn't kind of fun anyway. It's like watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer rewritten by horny thirteen year old gay boys who get bored unless somebody in super cute underwear shows up every 10 minutes. You have to go along for the ride and appreciate the beefcake when it appears. Check your brain and clothes at the door, and you'll find The Lair perfectly suitable when you want to take a break from skin movies on the Internet.

There's nothing on the DVDs other than thirteen episodes. I wish there were some extras, but you'll have to settle for the show with no frills. The transfer looks fine with nice natural colors and appropriately warm flesh tones. The audio can be enjoyed in either simple stereo or full surround.

As long as you bring a sense of humor and a bottle of lube The Lair: The Complete Third Season satisfies the need for sexy gay vampires. You can't go wrong when you figure you've got porn stars putting on some fangs or red contacts. This one is fun in a "so bad it's almost good" vein, and GLBT audiences will have a grand time while everyone else runs away in terror. Think of it as Twilight for boys who like Britney Spears and Lady Gaga videos or for grown men who like the same.

The Verdict

Guilty of sucking in every way imaginable.

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Scales of Justice

Judgment: 69

Perp Profile

Studio: E1 Entertainment
Video Formats:
• 1.78:1 Anamorphic
Audio Formats:
• Dolby Digital 5.1 Surround (English)
• Dolby Digital 2.0 Stereo (English)
Subtitles:
• None
Running Time: 351 Minutes
Release Year: 2009
MPAA Rating: Not Rated
Genres:
• Gay
• Horror
• Television

Distinguishing Marks

• None

Accomplices

• IMDb
• DylanVox.com








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