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Case Number 02587

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Le6ion Of The Dead

Artisan // 2000 // 84 Minutes // Rated R
Reviewed by Chief Counsel Rob Lineberger (Retired) // February 4th, 2003

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All Rise...

The Charge

Satan's army walks the earth!

Opening Statement

Satan's army walks the earth, and I think they are looking for the makers of Le6ion of the Dead. Picture the unfunniest cringe moment you have ever seen in a film, a scene that makes you wince and spasmodically hit the fast-forward button. Are you picturing it? String together an hour and a half of such moments, and you have Le6ion of the Dead.

Facts of the Case

I promise I watched it, but I'm unsure what exactly occurred. Stuff happened, but it wasn't thematically connected.

Two spectacularly annoying undead mobsters are walking around killing random people. They talk for extended periods about inane crap. Eventually it dawns on you that they are supposed to be funny. Furthermore, you realize the dialogue is pathetically imitating Quentin Tarantino. One of the mobsters periodically stabs himself, and whines about the color of their suits. He gets run over. The other one scowls a lot. The one who gets run over comes back to life and walks into a pole. Then he falls off a porch onto a cat.

A vapid, skull-numbingly stupid stoner and his "trying to be cool and detached but actually being uncool and anal" friend are walking around in the desert for no apparent reason. The stoner talks about stuff he doesn't get from childhood. Something about "fuzzy-warm mu-mus," which are vaginas, and "pee-pees," which are penises. Apparently the pee-pees fall off and become mu-mus, or mu-mus grow and become pee-pees. I would go back and check the precise dialogue, but that would require putting the DVD back into my player, which I am loathe to do.

The two get kidnapped by a guy who resembles Red in That '70s Show. He is going to kill them. But some other guy kills him. That guy gets killed.

A bunch of guys in robes are walking around another desert way in the past. Buckets of red stuff lay scattered around the ground. One of them kills another one.

A barmaid moves into town and tries to make a living. She is a 1,000,000 year old vampire thingy. She has been hunted by Satan for about 950,000 years. He finds her! They talk some and Satan walks out of the bar.

A bunch of people in the bar are actually vampires! They kill a lot of people! One of those people becomes a vampire! He kills himself 30 seconds later!

The stoner guy and his anal-retentive smirkoholic friend throw rocks at each other and walk out of town.

The credits roll.

The Evidence

Before I begin, I'll allow the defense an opening argument. Apparently, the producers mucked with Olaf Ittenbach's original vision for the film. They extensively recut it and removed several minutes of footage. Olaf wanted his name taken off the picture afterward, but no dice. While I respect Olaf and wish him the best, this is a wretched movie.

To paraphrase Friends, it's not that Le6ion of the Dead is bad, it's that it's so bad, it makes me want to put my finger through my eye into my brain and swirl it around. I don't know where to begin. Let's start with the cornerstones of cinema, which this movie cleverly ignores.

The plot is inscrutable. There are plot twists in the sense of "Finally, I can almost see where this movie is headed…{random cut to meaningless subplot}. Hey what just happened?" The plot is not disjointed. It is dismembered, like 10,000 millipede legs twitching around with no body to move.

The acting is so bad, it makes me want to put my finger through my eye…oh, wait, I already used that one. There is only one person in this "movie" that can act. The rest of the cast is adrift in the uninspired drudgery of the script. Nobody has motivations. They meander about, saying words that form complete thoughts, but fail to connect on any emotional level. Lest you think I am being harsh, let me paraphrase one of the scenes.

Undead thug #1: "I HAAATTTEEEEE these suits. They are (checks script) the color of…um…pavement. Let's get pink suits. Pink is nice. Oh, wait, grEEEEEEEn. The color of nature."

Undead thug #2: "I am…so…tired of…your…WHINING! Fine! We'll get new suits!"

{Cut to the thugs walking out of a store wearing yellow suits}

Undead thug #2. "Yellow? I hate yellow. People are going to laugh at us!"
Undead thug #1: "No, nobody will laugh at us."
{They open a door and people laugh. They shoot the people.}
Undead thug #2: "See, I told you people would laugh."
Undead thug #1: "Fine! You were right! Why do you always PICK on MEEEEEE?"
Undead thug #2: "You always whine. You are so annoying!"
Undead thug #1: "Oh yeah? well, you're mean."
Undead thug #2: "See, you're still whining. Can't you just act like a professional!"
Undead thug #1: "I hate is when you call me unprofessional! You are soooo businesslike."
Undead thug #2: "Shut up, you are still annoying me."

I could go on for 84 minutes, but I hope this snippet is enough to convince you.

The mobsters are supposed to be creating a legion of undead for Satan. It is unspecified in the film whether the legion actually gets created. It never gets used at least. Maybe that's coming in Le6ion of the Dead II: Jackie Browner Kills Bill in Reservoir Fiction from Dusk til the Dawn of the Dead.

Why do I keep referencing Tarantino? Because the filmmakers do. If there is one area where Le6ion of the Dead excels, it is copycatting. The end is a carefully staged reenactment of the finale of From Dusk Till Dawn. Had the rest of the film built up to such an ending, it might be understandable. But no. It is like slapping the end of Titanic on a comedy western set in Belize.

The editing in this trainwreck is literally the worst I have ever seen. I will illustrate the editing style with the rest of this paragraph. There are some, scenes, that are boring, and they go on and on, and on, they don't stop, please God let it stop, but really it is boring and it goes on forever, without pause, and it rambles, but it is okay because we have 13 minutes left of this scene, please let it So then this guy jumps out and he!…hmm…what color of jacket do I feel like…BRING OUT THE GIRL! And then he! No, you go! hey-did-we-forget-about-these-thirteen-extras-we-hired, better do something…ahhh a moment of silence…In conclusion, I'd like to point out that this movie contains the phrase "genetic death virus." I won't forget you I swear! Am I still dreaming?

It was hard to pay attention to the audio-visual aspects because I was concentrating so hard on deciphering the plot. There were some great techno-pop-death metal songs, with some country-western rock-n-swing thrown in for good measure. The sound seemed distant from the image in some way, as though it was redubbed and the timing was slightly off. The image quality was uniformly poor, with low contrast in the many dark scenes and a cheap looking, grainy feel.

This movie would improve exponentially if they did the following:
1) Removed the insipidly wretched dialogue.
2) Removed all thinly-veiled, talentless Tarantino rip-off stuff.
3) Re-edited any scene with jump cuts that confuse the viewer as to what just happened
4) Trimmed out extraneous characters

That would leave four minutes of neat effects shots and three minutes of miscellaneous coherence.

There's a lot of stuff left to pick on, but it isn't fun anymore. I feel nothing for this movie. I want to erase this movie from my neural synapses so that no thought of it ever occurs to me again.

The Rebuttal Witnesses

There is one bright spot in the black hole that is Le6ion of the Dead. Geena the barmaid (Kimberly Liebe) is stunningly attractive and it seems she can act. I fear it may be the sharp contrast of her fellow cast, but I got a real sense of feeling and energy from her. I would love to see some of her other work to verify her skills.

The extras were better than the film by a damn sight. The actors and filmmakers seem to think this movie is good. They seemed to have fun making it, which makes me feel bad that I had to watch it and write this review. I was looking forward to viewing the deleted scenes, but only one of the ten-odd scenes worked despite my best efforts.

Closing Statement

Ooh, OOH! I just figured out who the anal main guy is trying to emulate! An uncool Han Solo! Whew, that one has been bugging me.

If you need a closing statement, it is this: Avoid. If any of your friends like this movie, I'm sorry about their lobotomy. Le6ion of the Dead is not bad in a cult classic sense, it unrelentingly bad. Give me back the hour and a half of life you sucked from my soul.

The Verdict

I am so apathetic that I don't want to sentence anyone. It would require me to think about their crimes again, and I don't have enough money for intensive therapy. I remand everyone involved to street justice. Ving, bring some pliers and a blowtorch!

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Scales of Justice

Video: 60
Audio: 65
Extras: 45
Acting: 16
Story: 12
Judgment: 17

Perp Profile

Studio: Artisan
Video Formats:
• 1.85:1 Anamorphic
Audio Formats:
• Dolby Digital 5.1 Surround (English)
• Dolby Digital 2.0 Surround (English)
Subtitles:
• English
• Spanish
Running Time: 84 Minutes
Release Year: 2000
MPAA Rating: Rated R
Genres:
• Bad
• Horror

Distinguishing Marks

• Filmographies
• Deleted Scenes
• Featurette
• Theatrical Trailer

Accomplices

• IMDb








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