All Rise...

Judge David Johnson's trips to the peat bog are far more interesting than this.

The Charge

Bodies buried for eternity…until now.

Opening Statement

Shockingly, the movie makes even less sense than its tagline.

Facts of the Case

So you've got this bog and it's a hotbed for mummified body dumps. This evidently blows the skirt up of a researcher, who drags an attractive young lady with him to go check out this exciting swamp. They meet up with some other folks in an abandoned old cabin, including an eccentric hunter (Vinnie Jones) who's got a hard-on for slaughtering supernatural bog mummies. That's right, these corpses have the potential to pop up from their soupy graves, and one such miraculously reanimated body is now running amok.

The Evidence

I don't think anyone knows what kind of movie Legend of the Bog is supposed to be…including the writers and executive producers.

Is it a horror movie? A comedy? A message film about the nation's lack of proper care for mentally retarded bog people?

I have no idea and, frankly, the movie fails in each category. Let's break it down.

If Legend of the Bog were a horror film…
There is very little gore here and when the blood foes fly it's almost cartoonish. Vinnie Jones, impaled on a tree, finding just enough strength to launch one final attack on Bog Sloth? High-larious! Since the only source of terror is this bog man and he's essentially little more than a doofus in burlap pants, consider yourself more confused and partially sympathetic to the guy's swamp adventures than horrified. Fail.

If Legend of the Bog were a comedy…
This is where the viewing becomes a confounding experience. Like the slapstick sequence where Bog Man enters a convenience store and just makes a huge mess! The tone nearly shifts into Benny Hill mode! Weird. And fail.

If Legend of the Bog were a message film about the nation's lack of proper care for mentally retarded bog people…
It would quickly get itself a protest from the Mentally Challenged Bog Person advocacy group. Fail.

One of the biggest losers in this enterprise is Vinnie Jones. Largely wasted here, his character is relegated to babysitting duties and thankless exposition.

The other big loser? You!

Lionsgate's no-frills DVD features a serviceable 1.78:1 anamorphic widescreen transfer, a 5.1 surround mix, and zero extras.

Closing Statement

Legend of the Bog suffers from multiple personality disorder…and all the personalities are losers.

The Verdict

Guilty. Bog off!

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