Judge Dave Ryan's "hero core" is made out of cigarette butts and Glenlivet.
Our review of LEGO Hero Factory: Savage Planet, published October 23rd, 2011, is also available.
Built for action!
Author's Note: I didn't have time to watch this disc for review purposes, so I loaned it to my neighbors down the hall for their input.—DJR
Submitted by Chester Alan Looveldt, USMC (ret.)
Japanese robots! This disc is nothing but [expletive form of "engaging in intercourse with one's mother"] Japanese robots! Excuse me, but didn't we fight a war against these people to prevent this very thing???
When the Ryan boy who used to live down the hall brought us this DVD thingamabob, he said that it's something that our great-grandchildren might enjoy. Something to do with "Lego Hero Factory" or some such thing. I'll tell you what was a hero factory: Saipan! You stare down 40,000 [expletive meaning "cursed by the Deity"] Emperor-loving Asian bastards with their bayonets pointing straight at your eyeballs, with nothing but 3,000 miles of empty Pacific at your back, and you learn pretty damn fast who's a hero, boy howdy! What's that, dear? Denmark? Well, there you go. The next hero those lousy Danish turn out will be their first. That country's all pastry and fairy tales and little mermaids and surrendering to Hitler when he sneezes in your direction. I don't buy it, either. These robots look Japanese, like those car commercials. I think this Lego is just a front for Tojo.
Anyhow, that has nothing to do with this Japanese robot abomination. Here's the plot: a bunch of Japanese robots fight another bunch of Japanese robots, and some stupider Japanese robots fix them. Rinse, lather, repeat! And this is supposed to be entertainment! No wonder our kids can't recognize "Earth" on a damn map these days! And here's the kicker: the Ryan boy tells us you can buy all this crap at Toys Are Us! (I'll have to take his word on that, as you won't see me setting foot in that store until they correct their ridiculous grammar and spelling mistakes. Which are all over the sign! ON THE [expletive form of "engaging in intercourse"] SIGN!!!! Do they even realize how stupid they look?) Have you ever seen a man take a live grenade to the chest? Have you? Well I have, and let me tell you, that's something you don't [expletive form of "engaging in intercourse"] forget. And why did I have to see that? To keep the [expletive form of "engaging in intercourse with one's mother"] Japanese from invading the YOU ESS OF AY. And now you tell me that a bunch of damnable Japanese robots are in every house in the country, brainwashing our idiot children with their nonsense? And these oafish so-called parents are paying money for these Mecha-Yamamotos? Did we win the war or not???? I just don't understand this [expletive meaning "cursed by the Deity"] world sometimes.
Go watch this damn disk if you want, I don't care anymore. I'm old and sick of it all. But don't come ask me to fight for your freedom—AGAIN—when these Jap robots are having their "hero" adventures all over the White House and Pearl Harbor while you're being marched into their Robot Re-Education Camps. Too bad the disk doesn't teach you how to say "yes sir, right away sir" in Japanese! You'll be needing it! [Expletive form of "engaging in intercourse"] idiots.
Submitted by Mrs. Pippi Lou Looveldt, Housewife (ret.)
I have to apologize for Chet. He's been having problems with his lumbago again, and it's made him exceptionally cranky. I know he doesn't mean what he's saying—after all, Dr. Iwakama is Japanese, and he's been our dentist for 28 years! I don't think Dr. Iwakama wants to invade the US with robots! We've had him and his family over for dinner, even. He has two boys and a girl—oh, that girl is cute as a button! I just want to pinch her cheeks every time I see her.
David—oh, he's such a nice boy, always watching our dog for us when we go to Boca to visit our children—asked us to give us his impressions of this DVD, and that's what I intend to do, even if Chester is going to glare at me the way he's doing right now. No dear, I don't think I'm a sellout to Emperor Hirohito. Lego, as I told you, is based in Denmark, so if anything, these would be Danish robots!
I admit that I had to ask my great-grandchildren (we have 15!!!) what the dilly-o was on the Lego Hero Factory. Now I'm no hermit—I certainly am well aware of Legos (we even visited Legoland with the great-grandkids two summers ago), but I had not heard of this particular branch of Lego. They told me that it was like Bionicles, but different, and was on TV. I don't know what that means, but I will put it in this report. As near as I can tell, this DVD is made up of what appear to be four half-hour episodes of the cartoon Hero Factory combined into one "movie." The animation is nothing like the cartoons I watched when I was a little girl—it's all done with computers these days, and it's almost like magic to me! Truth be told, this sort of show isn't my style—it's clearly aimed at young boys, what with all the robots and the laser guns and such. The stories aren't very hard to follow, and nobody ever seems to really get hurt despite all the laser beams shooting around, so I guess it's okay to show to kids. What dear? No, I don't think the horrors of war are appropriate for a children's cartoon. The animation is really of quite high quality, and the characters on the screen do look very much like one of the Hero Factory toys my grandson showed me, but come to life.
Color me skeptical, but I really don't see how "heroic" these Lego Heroes are. (Chet, the slow clapping is most unnecessary.) They fight some bad guys, but the bad guys aren't doing anything obviously bad. The only people who are ever in jeopardy from the bad guys are the Heroes themselves. Don't they have robot civilians somewhere? Are they being threatened? I guess I just don't see their motivations, you see? I'm also confused as to the nature of these robots. Are they mechanical life forms? Or are they machines that have developed self-awareness? Yes, thank you, Chet—we should also consider the possibility that they are abominations of nature sent by Satan to corrupt our children. (Sigh.) I suppose young minds won't be thinking these deep thoughts at their age, and will be happy to see robots bouncing around and shooting laser beams, but I do wonder if the stories are interesting enough to engage them fully. At least the picture is bright and colorful, and the sound is quite good as well!
There is also a cute little bonus episode (that is not part of the Hero Factory series) about some Lego minifigures who discover Atlantis. This was much more my style! I loved the Lego shark and the Lego giant squid! That episode is also about half an hour long.
I hope I have done enough here to give you a proper review of this DVD. I'm so excited to see my name on the inter-webs again! You wouldn't believe how many folks in the neighborhood saw my review of that boy Neil Sedaka's concert! Yes, and your review, Chet. (Again, I apologize for Chester. He's really not like this most of the time! And he's always been a good provider, and handy around the house.)
Chet: Enough with these sushi-eating Tojobots!
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Scales of Justice
Studio: Warner Bros.
• Bonus Episode
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