Judge David Johnson is unsure how My Little Ponies reproduce. Aren't they all female? Or perhaps there's a metrosexual in the herd somewhere.
Bow before your masters!
(Judge's Note: In an effort to spice up what would be, admittedly, a pretty boring review, I've decided to write this up from a different point of view. It's my way of keeping the craft fresh, you know? So, here's My Little Pony—A Very Minty Christmas as written by a minister of propaganda in a world cruelly run by a My Little Pony totalitarian regime that governs through violence and aggression and tolerates no dissent to their unlimited power. Oh, and one more thing: this is an ultra-colorful, hugely syrupy DVD that the little girls will surely enjoy.—Dave)
For Immediate Release to All Pony State-Run Media Outlets
PONIES WELCOME CHRISTMAS SEASON, MANDATE CHEER AND GOOD WILL UNDER PENALTY OF VIOLENT DEATH
PONYVILLE—We should all rejoice. Our Great Leaders have officially declared the start of the Christmas season. To commemorate this joyful holiday, Our Great Leaders have released this informative and entertaining viewing disc, for use in all homes, schools, and churches.
The disc tells the historical account of the most important Christmas that ever transpired, indeed, even more important than the first Christmas. It was on that Christmas—and of course you would know this already as you've no doubt read A Citizen's Guide to Life in Ponyville, Volume 1: Customs, History, and Things to Do to Avoid Swift, Public Execution, required material for all second-graders—that Minty the Dastardly, one of the founding Glorious Ponies of Wisdom and Awe, saved Christmas for Ponyville.
As is documented (and corroborated by archaeological evidence) Minty came close to ruining Christmas when an accident led to a damaging blow to the Ponyville Christmas tree. The guiding light, sitting atop the tree, was broken, and the other Glorious Ponies of Wisdom and Awe feared that Santa Claus the Giver of Gifts and Devourer of Milk would fail to find Ponyville, sans its beacon.
Minty attempts to calm the perceived anger of her fellow Glorious Ponies by bestowing socks upon them as gifts. It is a tactic, however, that fails to convince her they will not punish her for her incompetence.
We know what follows of course. Minty, accompanied by several other Glorious Ponies, journeys to the heart of the North Pole, where Claus is said to reside. Once they arrive, they find Claus, explain the situation, and secure an appearance his Ponyville for deliverance of gifts and general revelry.
It is a glorious tale and one that is pivotal in the development of our Great and Wondrous Society. Though the film stops at the moment Christmas is celebrated, the story, of course continues. Galvanized by the holiday cheer and general feeling of merriment, the Glorious Ponies gathered together and decided to bring their civilization to all inhabitants of the world.
Following the 12-year War of the Ponies, and after much blood had been spilled, the Glorious Ponies took control from the corrupt humans that had misguided the ruling governments and transformed the diseased and downtrodden masses into productive stable-hands of the grand, utopian society we all enjoy now.
Praise be to Our Great Leaders and their forbears, the Glorious Ponies of Wisdom and Awe.
(Please note: also included on this disc is another historical documentary about the Great Ponies as well as the "Nothing Says Christmas Like a Pair of Socks" anthem, which will be required to memorize and recite to local governors; failure to do will result in evisceration.)
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