[Insert your own joke about Judge Mitchell Hattaway being happy to see you.]
Naked women. Big breasted twins. Naked women. A hot tub murder. Naked women.
God bless the First Amendment! God bless chapter stops!
Facts of the Case
Some guy's wife gets murdered in their hot tub, and he's desperate to prove his innocence. Did I mention this guy's seen more ass than the back seat of a rental car? Well, he has, and given that all of the women he's slept around with are possible suspects, his sexual escapades are re-enacted for our viewing pleasure.
For your edification, I will now offer up a plot summary for a movie in which the plot doesn't matter. And don't go getting all mad at me for ruining the ending. Hell, there's a vidcap on the back of the case that gives it away.
Rick Taylor (Frank Harper, Sinful Deeds) is the wealthy owner of a computer company (whatever that means). Rick's married to Susan (Glori-Anne Gilbert, Vampire Call Girls), an enormously endowed, horny blonde who loves getting it on in their hot tub. One night they get it on in their tub and Susan so enjoys the experience she decides to return to the tub the following afternoon and recreate the experience all by herself. Just as she's about to, uh, finish, someone comes along and strangles her. Detective Blake (Jay Richardson, Bikini Airways), the cop in charge of the investigation, thinks Rick offed his wife, although Rick claims he was out of town at the time of the murder. After Susan's funeral, her twin sister Jenny (Glori-Anne Gilbert again, but this time as a brunette), offers to say she was with Rick at the time of the crime, but Rick doesn't want to get her involved in the matter. Jenny then offers to console Rick, if you know what I mean, telling him to call if he ever needs her.
Rick starts drinking. He falls asleep and has dreams of being in a gym with a hot blonde (porn star Jodie Moore). The comely lass decides to cool down from her workout by having a beer, but she accidentally (ha!) spills some on her chest. She removes her top, uses it to wipe off the beer, looks at Rick, and next thing you know they're going at it, making use of every piece of equipment in the room. Rick is rudely awakened by a knock at the door. It's Blake, who wants to ask him a few more questions. Rick offers Blake a drink, but the cop says he's can't drink on duty. Rick and Blake step out onto Rick's patio, and Blake is now holding a beer. They talk for a while and Blake leaves. Outside the house Blake tells his partner he thinks Susan found out Rick was having an affair, said she wanted a divorce, and Rick killed her so he wouldn't lose half his fortune. Rick goes back inside and watches a tape of a sexual encounter he and Susan had on their couch. He then goes to his computer and finds a message he believes was sent by the killer. He calls Blake, who comes over, looks at the message and says it's not much of a clue. Rick, realizing his ass is grass, breaks down and admits he was cheating on Susan with women he met in Internet fantasy chat rooms.
This leads us to a flashback of Rick watching a webcam broadcast of a surgically enhanced woman named Sasha (surgically enhanced porn star Julie K. Smith) getting friendly with herself in her bathtub. Rick then tells Blake he became addicted to these chat rooms and that he would meet the women from these rooms every Wednesday while Susan was out grocery shopping. This leads us to a flashback of Sasha and Rick boinking on Rick's couch. Their encounter is interrupted by a call from Susan, who asks Rick what he wants for dinner; Rick, who just happens to be clutching one of Sasha's massive mammaries, asks Susan to pick up some melons (hee-hee). Susan finds this odd, but she says she will and hangs up, after which Rick and Sasha finish the deed. Rick then tells Blake Susan at first had no idea what was going on, which takes us to a scene of a lingerie-clad Susan taking her husband upstairs for a bit of afternoon delight. Rick informs Blake that Susan started suspecting he was having an affair three months before she was killed. Blake leaves.
Rick starts thinking back to all of the women he cheated with, including a park ranger named Beth (Monique Parent, Bikini Med School), whose fantasy was to have sex on a nature trail in the park at which she worked. Rick flashes back to having sex with Beth on a nature trail in the park at which she worked. Jenny comes over and asks Rick if he wants to go to the mall; Rick tells her he thinks he knows who killed Susan and admits he was having affairs. Jenny says she has a friend named Lisa (porn star Holly Hollywood) who has sex with men she meets in fantasy chat rooms; she also says she once accompanied Lisa to an old country inn and watched her friend have sex with a stranger, which of course means we get a re-enactment of the incident. Turns out the stranger was Rick, meaning Jenny already knew her brother-in-law was cheating, but didn't say anything because she didn't really like her sister and because she was actually turned on by the idea of porking strangers. She then graciously asks Rick to tell her about some of his other affairs, so Rick tells her about Cora (porn star Avy Scott), a woman who wanted to have sex in Rick's house while Susan was home. Rick is then shown sneaking Cora in past Susan and taking her upstairs to his bedroom. Rick and Cora make use of a chair, the floor, and a wall. Susan asks Rick why he's making so much noise, but he plays it off.
Jenny can't get enough of this, so Rick tells he about a woman named Desiree. Desiree invited Rick to her place, but told him he would have to put on a blindfold as soon as he stepped inside. Rick's no dummy, so of course he goes along with it. Well, wouldn't you know it, Desiree is actually Jenny (who has the same tan lines as her twin sister), but Rick doesn't know this (you think he'd at least know where his sister-in-law lives). Rick wants to take off his blindfold, but Desiree/Jenny says he can only do it if he leaves his wife; Rick refuses, so he and Desiree/Jenny have no further encounters. (I've often wondered if—say you were blindfolded—you could tell the difference between twin sisters in the sack. Guess this scene answers that question.)
Blake arrives (wearing the same clothes he's had on for the past three days), saying he thinks he left his pen behind. Rick goes to get the pen for him; Blake sees Jenny on the patio and goes out to talk to her, but before he has a chance to question her Rick returns. Jenny leaves; Blake asks Rick if he's doing Jenny. Rick says he not, then tells Blake about Pizza Molly (porn star Chasey Lain), the one woman he cheated with who actually met Susan. This leads into a variation on the old pizza delivery scene, as Molly comes over to deliver a pie and Rick does her in the kitchen. Blake asks if Rick thinks Molly could have killed Susan; Rick says he doesn't, but tells Blake there was one woman who got very angry when he ended their affair. Rick doesn't know her name, but he has her license plate number. Blake runs the number and it turns out the car is registered to Monica Tames (who just so happens to be the woman Rick humped in his gym dream); Rick realizes Monica and Jenny are friends. Blake starts to leave, but Rick stops him after he finds a message from Desiree telling him they no longer need the blindfold.
Later that evening Jenny comes over. Rick tells her he knows Desiree killed Susan. Jenny admits to being Desiree, saying she was jealous of her sister and knew she could make Rick happier than Susan ever could. Rick can't believe it and says he wants nothing to do with Jenny, so she pulls a gun on him. They struggle over the gun. A shot rings out. Jenny collapses to the floor. Blake is standing behind her, the barrel of his sidearm smoking. Seems he forgot his pen again.
Really, how can you not love that? Well, I guess if you're looking for plot, acting, well-defined characters, or simply don't want to see a gaggle of porn stars, as well as a couple of non-porn stars, engage in a non-stop series of simulated (or are they?) sex scenes, this really isn't the movie for you. If you do want to see something like that, you could do a lot worse than Lust Connection. Yeah, it's nothing more than an excuse to showcase a lot of female flesh, but it makes no bones about it (hee-hee) and doesn't try to be anything else. It aims low, but I have to admit it hits the mark.
Despite being filmed on the cheap (in three days!), Lust Connection looks far better than I expected. Shot on digital video, and apparently using mostly available light, the video is generally clean and clear, although at times it can be a little soft and some of the darker scenes can get a bit murky. The audio isn't quite as good, although it doesn't really have to be; the stereo track generally comes across as two-channel mono, although there is some decent channel separation in the goofy dance music used during the, uh, good scenes.
You get a pretty good selection of extras on this disc. First up is a commentary from director H.R. Blueberry (who is actually schlock auteur Jim Wynorski, the man responsible for such epics as Deathstalker II, Big Bad Mama II, and The Bare Wench Project 2: Scared Topless) and star Glori-Anne Gilbert. The two really seem to like each other and are obviously enjoying themselves. They also impart a great deal of interesting information. Seems Julie K. Smith hates Wynorski, so she bolted the minute her scenes were completed. Chasey Lain took the longest to do her hair and makeup (three hours). The gym dream sequence was originally intended to be an exterior scene, but some nosy park rangers came along and ruined the fun. Monique Parent stepped in after an unnamed porn star decided to be a diva and didn't show up. In the scene with Avy Scott, she and Harper were having so much fun Wynorski just let them do whatever they wanted. Despite being called upon to perform in a dozen sex scenes over a short period of time, Harper really, really enjoyed working on the film (duh). Finally, Glori-Anne talks about groping the breasts of her co-stars because she thinks her fans will appreciate knowing how they feel (Scott's are real, and apparently they are spectacular). There's also a one-reel nudie short from 1965 (it's just some topless woman rolling around on a couch), and a slew of trailers—a dozen for some recent Seduction Cinema releases and nine for the Retro Seduction Cinema releases of the vintage works of Swedish Wildcats director Joseph W. Sarno. The last extra is a biggie—another complete movie, this one the 1998 release Night Vamps. Hosted by Glori-Anne, what you get in this flick is porn star Kelly Jaye taking a shower, porn star Lovette trying on (and taking off) lingerie, and porn star Brittany Andrews finding a couple of creative uses for fruit. Video quality here is pretty much VHS-grade, but for some reason that seems appropriate.
Thank god for the short running time. I'm not sure my heart could have taken any more.
Yeah, about the verdict. See, the thing is, the court is unable to render to a verdict at this time. Uh, the evidence is inconclusive, and we therefore feel the need to review it again. Or, if we feel it is necessary, several more times.
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Scales of Justice
Studio: Ventura Distribution
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