Judge Mitchell Hattaway had simulated sex with this movie and got a nasty rash.
The Erotic Witch strikes back.
Man, I love this job.
Facts of the Case
(Read the following aloud in your best impersonation of William Conrad's voice.)
The year is 2069. Three female scientists travel back in time to 1999 in an attempt to eradicate a virus that has turned all of humanity into crazed sex fiends. Blown off course, the heroines plummet to Earth and crash land in a backwoods redneck town. They exit the ship and wander around the town, stopping every five minutes to have sex.
(My apologies to the estate of Mr. Conrad.)
We all know that a critical analysis of this movie would be pointless. With that in mind, the following is a scene-by-scene breakdown of the good stuff:
• A guy in a gorilla suit finds a naked woman standing in the middle of a forest. The guy in the gorilla suit pokes the naked woman a couple of times. He then picks up a plastic bone, simulates masturbation, and throws the bone up into the air.
• Jump cut to the future. Colonel Khan (A.J. Khan, Sexy Adventures of Van Helsing) and her crew are headed back to the past, where they hope to find a cure for the Erotic Witch Virus. Khan goes to sleep. Dr. Davis (Alexia Moore) begins massaging Captain Caine (Darian Caine, Play-Mate of the Apes). Davis and Caine have simulated sex. Caine thrashes about in pleasure, accidentally hits the ships controls, and the ship is thrown out of warp.
• The ship crashes. Davis leaves the ship. Caine wakes up Khan; they leave the ship in an effort to find Davis. A local girl named Dusty Evans (Jackie Stevens, Curious Obsessions) sees Caine and Khan. Believing them to be aliens, Dusty goes looking for their spaceship. Dusty finds the ship and goes inside. Officer Seamus (Brian Bishop) comes in and finds Dusty. Dusty and Seamus have simulated sex.
• Caine and Khan encounter three rednecks. (Two of the rednecks are portrayed by Caine and Khan in really cheap beards. The other redneck, whose name is Cletus, is portrayed by co-writer/director John Bacchus, who is also responsible for the modern-day classic Girl Explores Girl: The Alien Encounter.) Caine and Khan beat up the rednecks, go inside the bearded rednecks' home, sit down on the couch and have simulated sex.
• Cletus runs home and tells his sister Kitty (Bethany Lott, Spiderbabe) what happened. Seamus comes in, tells Cletus to split, and has simulated sex with Kitty. Cletus watches them from a nearby doorway.
• Khan and Caine split up and continue their search for Davis. Khan wanders into another house, finds Davis in bed, and they have simulated sex.
• Kitty and Dusty take the final exam in their Dirt Bike Riding 101 class. Both get filthy, so they take a shower and have simulated sex.
• Khan, Caine and David return to their ship, where they have simulated sex.
• All of the women in the backwoods redneck town become lesbian nymphomaniacs. Dusty goes home with Kitty. Officer Seamus shows up. The three of them have what is possibly not-so-simulated sex.
• In a climactic twist that puts M. Night Shyamalan to shame, Khan discovers that she and her companions are the source of the virus they had hoped to cure.
In other words, this third sequel to The Erotic Witch Project is more of the same from the folks at Seduction Cinema. The plot is nothing more than an excuse to showcase a bunch of fairly attractive naked women fondling and groping each other. It is what it is, it knows what it is, and it does not pretend to be anything other than what it is. I will give the guys at Seduction Cinema props, though, as they finally went out and rounded up some new talent. The pneumatic (to say nothing of daffy) Alexia Moore and the very attractive Jackie Stevens (who is neither pneumatic nor daffy) are both newcomers to the scene. After several years of seeing the same damn actresses over and over again, it's nice to finally see some fresh…uh…faces. And I did find some educational value in the movie. After watching Khan and Moore's bedroom romp, I now know how the Scissor Sisters came up with their name.
This movie was shot on the cheap, and the technical aspects of the disc do nothing to hide that fact. At times the transfer is more than a little soft, and darker scenes exhibit quite a bit of noise, but flesh tones (of which there are plenty) look good. Bottom line—none of the dirty stuff is obscured, so these flaws aren't fatal. With the exception of the cheesy synth bass/drum machine/Casio keyboard music played over the naughty scenes, there is very little channel separation in the stereo soundtrack. The idiotic (and unnecessary) dialogue is always intelligible, but who'll be paying attention? Extras include previews for 24 other Seduction Cinema releases, as well as a short making-of featurette. The latter is largely nothing more than footage of the actresses goofing off between takes, although you get a couple of bloopers and some footage of Bethany Lott removing her underwear and doing something the producers felt they needed to digitally obscure. There is also a brief interview with producer Michael Raso, who discusses the origins of the project, working with the cast, the necessity of cobbling sets from other movies, and the style of director Bacchus (yeah, right). Also included are interviews with Jackie Stevens (who talks about making the leap from dancing to films) and Alexia Moore (who talks about her gigantic fake breasts). Lastly, there is a short film entitled Jackie's Hot Property. In this short Stevens plays a realtor who is showing a house to prospective buyer Moore. They look at the house for about thirty seconds and then launch into a sex scene that's hotter than just about anything in the main feature.
I guess I might as well get serious for a minute: As a work of art, Lust in Space is a complete and utter failure. As a goofy showcase for attractive women who are willing to get naked at the drop of a hat, it is a resounding triumph.
Guilty for anyone with a functioning brain. Not guilty for people like me.
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