All Rise...

Judge David Johnson has a Manswer for you! Ready? Here it is...C

The Charge

"Sometimes a dump can hurt like hell when your drop a big load!"

The Case

So there's this show on Spike TV that poses goofy questions apparently intended for drunken frat boys as an educational alternative to Western Civ. This disc collects the top 25 questions and assembles them in order of descending coolness, while a legion of perky models in tiny outfits, experts with questionable credentials, and a narrator who just might be high on PCP combine their mighty skills to offer up the ideal gift for the man in your life who possesses that rare physiological condition where overactive testosterone production enhances mild retardation.

Hey, I'm no elitist snob, and I'm all for mindless, sophomoric hijinks, but this @#$% is just corny. Here's a sampling of the questions:

What's the best human organ to eat?
What does the shape of her boobs tell you about her personality?
How can you make your girlfriend less bitchy?
Can fake boobs break during sex?
How can guys get high legally?
Is the touch of death real?
How many people have been killed by vending machines?
How can you take a bullet out yourself?
How big does a boob need to be to crush a beer can?

Of the 25 questions I'd say about half deal with breasts or sex, while the others are random musings that border on the frightening like "Can you take the dump of death?" and "Which animal is most like having sex with a woman?" As interesting (and disturbing) as these questions might be, it's the "Manswers" and their incredibly irritating manner of execution that hurt my brain.

Once the question is launched, the narrator guides us through the Manswer using lots of hyperbole and exclamation points. There are "man-on-the-street" segments featuring clods stumbling through inane replies, hyper-edited vignettes with slack-jawed actors and scantily-clad busty women, and a selection of "specialists" like a lifeguard and Dr. Ava Cadell who I'm pretty sure starred in a bunch of Andy Sidaris movies. Basically, it's a Spike TV production.

I think it's the narrator who irks me the most, with his overwrought clever witticisms such as:

"Getting your freak on is always hotter when you've got some huge ta-tas to grab onto!"
"Boobs are awesome!"
"Hot babes splashing in the pool! That's the only way to live!"
"What does the Italian study say about your chance of getting in her pants?"
"Friday night! Time to get wasted!

Brilliant!

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