All Rise...

Judge Roy Hrab finds this movie DOA.

The Charge

A dead man living in a dying city.

Opening Statement

Don't let the DVD cover fool you. No matter what you may think of the clothes worn by Method Man (The Wire), The Mortician is not set in 19th century London. It is also not a horror movie. It is simply bad.

Facts of the Case

There is a city. The city is broken. However, there is a need for a mortician (not a coroner) because there is a lot of crime and a lot of people die. This is a story about the city's mortician; a tale so boring words cannot do it justice.

The Evidence

Why does a city that is falling apart require a mortician rather than a coroner? Indeed, having a coroner makes more sense. My guess is that the makers of this film felt that The Mortician made for a better title than "The Coroner." They may be right, but a bad title can be overcome by strong material. However, weak material can't be redeemed by an adequate title.

The Mortician relies on cheap plot devices to propel (or lurch) the story forward. It is revealed that the mortician (the character is never named) lost his mother when he was a young child. Now a bookish adult, while walking home, he sees the body of a woman being dumped into a river one night. Days later the woman's body is brought to the mortuary. Then, a young boy starts appearing at the mortuary. You can guess where things go from there. You'd probably be mostly correct, except that you'd underestimate how boring the "surprise" reveals end-up being, along with some lame flashbacks.

What surprises, you ask? Well, the mortician is the strong, silent type. He's a taxidermist on the side. He frequents a prostitute (who has a heart of gold, of course). He has a pocket watch and wears a three-piece suit with a bowler hat. He also has a really bad beard. Oh, and, as portrayed by Method Man, he has zero charisma. Wait, those details aren't surprising? Oh well…

The video and audio transfers are adequate. The picture is detailed and the colors strong. The audio is solid with dialogue, effects, and score coming through clear.

The extras are a trailer and a making-of featurette. The featurette reveals that the movie was filmed in 3-D. Why? I don't know. Let's move on.

The Rebuttal Witnesses

Rebuttal? Are you kidding?

Closing Statement

The Mortician is lifeless. If you want to see Method Man, watch The Wire.

The Verdict

Guilty.

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