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Case Number 23821: Small Claims Court

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Mystery Science Theater 3000: Girl in Gold Boots

Shout! Factory // 1999 // 90 Minutes // Not Rated
Reviewed by Judge Erich Asperschlager // May 14th, 2012

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All Rise...

Hold Judge Erich Asperschlager closer, shiny dancer.

The Charge

"Do the giant toddler dance!"

The Case

LISTEN to bad '60s folk-rock…RIDE with three boring people…WATCH girls in bikinis flop around on-stage…THRILL at absolutely nothing…and CRY at how bad a movie can be, with Girl in Gold Boots, the latest Mystery Science Theater 3000 DVD release.

The fine people at Shout! Factory sure know how to keep the MST3K goodwill flowing. In between the proper, numbered box sets featuring episodes that have never been available on home video, Shout! has been churning out a steady stream of one-offs—re-releases of episodes that were once available from Rhino but have since gone out of print. They may not boast special features or spiffy menu animations, but these DVDs are a good way for fans who missed out on the early sets to bulk up their collections.

Girl in Gold Boots comes from the show's tenth and final season, which aired on the Sci-fi Channel. Some fans will tell you how much better the show was in its early years, but there's really no bad Mystery Science Theater. In fact, even a diehard Joel-man like me has to admit that there are plenty of highlights from the Mike years. Girl in Gold Boots may not show up on many fan favorite lists, but it's still great. Not only does it hearken back to the biker movies from the show's early seasons (Sci-fi largely prohibited the show from riffing movies that weren't science fiction or horror), but it's darn funny to boot.

The movie itself is terrible, of course. Girl in Gold Boots is the story of a waitress named Michelle who loves to dance but is stuck in a rundown roadside diner called "Eat" (yep…"Eat"). She is discovered by a traveling criminal named Buzz (yep, "Buzz") who offers to take her to LA where his sister is the star attraction at a nightclub called The Haunted House. On the way, Buzz hits on Michelle, and ticks off a biker by pouring beer on his seat ("Hey, my butt is drunk!"). On the way, they pick up a hitchhiker who calls himself Critter (yep, "Critter"…sorry, I'll stop), who also hits on Michelle. Caught in a lifeless love triangle, the group arrives in LA, where Michelle becomes a dancer and falls in with a sleazy club owner/pill pusher, Buzz kills a guy for no good reason, and Critter writes a hit song consisting of five notes.

Mike, Crow, and Tom make watching Girl in Gold Boots more than palatable, zinging the low-budget flick for its poor sound design ("You forgot to take the microphone out of the box"), incomprehensible plot ("Well, apparently the story is none of our business"), arrhythmic dance numbers ("She makes Elaine Benes look like a good dancer"), and sordid voyeurism ("This show made possible by a grant from the Onan Foundation"). Lest you have any sympathy for the people who made this stinker, realize that the movie includes a diner scene in which Buzz pops into frame out of nowhere, joining Michelle and Critter's conversation as though he had been there the whole time. ("Anybody notice that I'm here now?" "C'mon, I just teleported here! It's impressive!") Don't bother feeling sorry about Girl in Gold Boots, because it sure as bippy doesn't care about you.

Meanwhile, Pearl undergoes an inspection to become board certified as a mad scientist; Crow pours beer all over Mike's prized possession, an heirloom beer stein; Tom convinces Crow to shake his moneymaker; and Mike sings a tender folk ballad while Crow's disembodied head warns him about a fire on the Satellite.

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Girl in Gold Boots is presented in full frame with 2.0 stereo audio. Although on par with other MST3K releases, because it's a late-series episode it looks better than the aging video of early seasons. As I mentioned above, there are no extras. This is a barebones catalogue release, nothing more.

I take that back. Although there's not much to the DVD, this is still a great episode from one of my all-time favorite TV shows. Mike and the 'bots fill this Go-Go No-No with gut laughs galore. If you missed out on the Rhino box set it originally appeared on, Girl in Gold Boots is a worthy addition to your collection.

The Verdict

These boots are made for laughin'. Not guilty!

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Scales of Justice

Judgment: 90

Perp Profile

Studio: Shout! Factory
Video Formats:
• Full Frame
Audio Formats:
• Dolby Digital 2.0 Stereo (English)
• None
Running Time: 90 Minutes
Release Year: 1999
MPAA Rating: Not Rated
• Comedy
• Crime
• Cult
• Drama
• Romance
• Romantic Comedies
• Television

Distinguishing Marks

• None

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