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Case Number 09945: Small Claims Court

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Mummy's Kiss: 2nd Dynasty

Cinema Epoch // 2006 // 80 Minutes // Not Rated
Reviewed by Judge David Johnson // September 1st, 2006

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All Rise...

Nothing says "sexy" to Judge David Johnson more than "mummy."

The Charge

Who knew the ancient Egyptians invented saline implants?

The Case

What do you do when you're an aging MILF, determined to recapture your youth and lose some of those wrinkles? Extra gym time? Younger boyfriend? Imported Southeast Asian face cream? Nope. You find yourself a cursed mummy, send it out to find nubile young blondes, have sex with them once the mummy brings them back, suck out their souls, and repeat the process until you're happy with the way you look.

That's what Dr. Zita Furneaux (Kylie Wyote, Countess Dracula's Orgy of Blood) chose to do, and wouldn't you know, it works! When an antiquated sarcophagus arrives at her museum, she is stunned to discover that the mummy is very much alive and well. Three topless "Egyptian" (read: white and blonde) spirit guides visit her and give her the 411 on the youth/lesbianism cocktail, and she eagerly takes on the challenge.

Meanwhile, enterprising young journalist Elyse Lam (Christine Nguyen) smells some trouble at the museum and begins an exhaustive search into the truth, pausing only to rub her nude body with lotion. As she gets closer and closer to Doctor Zita's scheme, she runs the risk of falling prey to that horny Egyptian magic. If Ms. Lam isn't careful, she just may end up in the middle of a big-ass, sweaty lesbian orgy, and, well, that's it. That's what this movie is, really, an excuse to get women naked and pawing each other.

The Mummy's Kiss: 2nd Dynasty is prime Skinimax fodder, late-night trash that exists solely to give young actresses a shot at paying back those hefty cosmetic surgeon bills. And you want to talk about surgery! Great Caesar's ghost, these ladies went for the premium Armageddon package, opting not just to fill out their blouses but giving each breast its own, separate mail route.

If you're into the Nip/Tuck brand of synthetic-lady, then the girls are fairly attractive, I suppose, though it is kind of creepy to see Kylie Wyote clad in aging makeup and making out with college students. And those two girls from the Egyptian goddess, trio…yikes! How do you stand upright for 15 consecutive seconds without fracturing a cervical vertebra?!? Scary.

I'm not even going to bother with usual stuff, like the story and acting and so forth. It's as threadbare as you can get while still making a molecule of sense. Like any of these midnight adventures, the narrative framework exists solely as a conveyance to get the panting insomniacs to the next plodding love scene.

Bottom line: lots of skin, much of it augmented through the wonders of science, copious, Godforsaken acting, goofy visual effects, and a moronic story. Only check out this disc if you're in the mood for a cheeseball softcore lesbian romp, set to warmed-over love music and starring a bunch of bored guys and an even more-bored mummy.

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Scales of Justice

Judgment: 70

Perp Profile

Studio: Cinema Epoch
Video Formats:
• 1.85:1 Non-Anamorphic
Audio Formats:
• Dolby Digital 5.1 Surround (English)
Subtitles:
• None
Running Time: 80 Minutes
Release Year: 2006
MPAA Rating: Not Rated
Genres:
• Erotic
• Horror

Distinguishing Marks

• Director's and Editor's Commentary
• Behind-the-Scenes
• Photo Galleries

Accomplices

• Official Site








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