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Case Number 23469: Small Claims Court

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My Vampire Lover

Seduction Cinema // 2002 // 83 Minutes // Not Rated
Reviewed by Appellate Judge Daryl Loomis // March 9th, 2012

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All Rise...

Judge Daryl Loomis is sick of cable installers bullying him.

The Charge

What's your stance on taxes?

The Case

Oh great, these are out again. I know that everybody has been checking off the ten year anniversaries of the films from Seduction Cinema, but I somehow missed it when the big day arrived. Now, after last year's successful remembrances of Erotic Survivor and Night of the Groping Dead, it's time to kick off 2012 with a celebration of the studio's grand sanguine epic, My Vampire Lover.

The plot, such as that exists here, concerns a lonely young vampire named Monique (Paige Richards, Bettie Page: Dark Angel) who has just moved to the little town of Hooterville. She wants to find love, but only the one who can survive her bite is good enough for her. So she does a lot of testing, trying to find her soul mate, which compels her to have sex with all the hot women in town. The fact that all of the women die in the end raises the suspicions of the police, who would prefer that she stop doing this.

Apparently, I had blanked from my mind just how bad these movies are, but dang, it's a lot worse than I remember. It's little more than bad puns and shaved women, repeated over and again for a shockingly long ninety minutes. It's not like I was surprised by it; all of Seduction's movies are just monotonous sex scenes wrapped around a movie title pun (and, lest you call this movie an exception, the original title was "K-Sex: Lesbians from a Different Planet" because, clearly, if one film from 2001 screamed softcore parody, it was K-PAX). I can't fault them for what they've done. It isn't as if they hide what they do, and they made a vault's worth of this product over the years; it's just kind of shocking to rediscover how dumb My Vampire Lover really is.

The DVD from Seduction Cinema is, not surprisingly, exactly the same as has already been released. Given the fact that the case features a 2004 catalog advertising their VHS offerings, I would guess that this is surplus stock that they're trying to move. The full frame transfer looks like the straight-to-video image that it is and the sound is no better, but nobody's really here for the tech details of My Vampire Lover. The flesh is fully visible, if a little pallid, and one can easily hear them moaning, so I guess it does its job. The extra features include some behind the scenes footage and the same trailer bank as all their other releases, promoting movies that look basically identical to this one.

Even if your sole intention is strictly to see a movie in which some women bump and grind on each other and absolutely nothing else, then you can still do a whole lot better for yourself than My Vampire Lover. If, in the end, it is the one you choose for said purpose, then I pity you.

The Verdict

Guilty.

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Scales of Justice

Judgment: 20

Perp Profile

Studio: Seduction Cinema
Video Formats:
• Full Frame
Audio Formats:
• Dolby Digital 2.0 Stereo (English)
Subtitles:
• None
Running Time: 83 Minutes
Release Year: 2002
MPAA Rating: Not Rated
Genres:
• Bad
• Comedy
• Erotic
• Horror
• Independent

Distinguishing Marks

• Bonus Footage
• Trailer

Accomplices

• IMDb








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