Judge Brett Cullum doesn't need a facelift, he needs a valium.
And now, a letter from Judge Brett Cullum.
Dear Managing Editors of DVD VERDICT,
I have been a judge here at the site as of this writing for just over six years, and I am nearing my 800th review (this one makes #796). From time to time I allow you to pick a DVD for me to review, something the rest of the judges might not want to take on. In the past these have included Christian workout DVDs using pepper mill gadgets, Disney specials with Miley Cyrus, or the occasional instructional cooking set from Martha Stewart.
Maybe you have noticed, but I have not written anything in about three weeks. That is very unlike me, and I feel I should explain. It's because I have been sitting here at my desk trying to figure out a tactful way to review this Do It Yourself Facelift product you sent me as an unrequested assignment.
You know I am all for fitness DVDs. I think the world of Jillian Michaels, that evil personal trainer who abuses the contestants on the hit show The Biggest Loser. She's my hero. And I thought this disc wouldn't be so bad, because the hostess said she was a trainer just like Jillian.
But this production is simply frightening. The disc is basically a forty-nine year old grandmother making kissy faces at the camera for about an hour. She puckers, and then she opens her mouth really wide and folds her lips back over her teeth. The camera is often only inches from her yellowing aging skin. You can at times see right down her throat to her tonsils. The sight of all of this has made me give up television for a while. I'm terrified to touch the remote for fear I will see this woman's gaping maw alternating with her kissy face coming back at me.
The creepy Japanese girl in The Ring could make a fitness video that would be less frightening than what this is. Pinhead from Hellraiser would be more comforting. For some reason this woman believes that stretching your face out as much as you can will save you tons of money on beauty treatments and plastic surgery. Can someone tell her it is not really working? She looks okay for forty-nine, but she is not fooling me. Even the testimonials on this disc are frightening. But they do not compare to the sheer abject terror I feel when I try to watch the exercises themselves and I see that stretched out Joker face leering at me.
I will be sending you my claim for anti-anxiety medication and therapy post haste. I suppose some women may buy this DVD to save a buck on elective surgery, but unfortunately it has cost me quite a bit. My very sanity is currently in question. I can't sleep, I can't eat, and all I do is shudder in a corner in a fetal position praying this nightmare will end. Please send me a Miley Cyrus DVD…
Um…so dang guilty and scary!
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