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Case Number 18618: Small Claims Court

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Neowolf

Lightning Media // 2010 // 88 Minutes // Rated R
Reviewed by Judge David Johnson // March 29th, 2010

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All Rise...

Putting "Neo" in front of words instantly makes them cooler, so henceforth please refer to him as NeoJudge NeoDavid NeoJohnson.

The Charge

The band from Hell.

The Case

Tony (Michael Frascino) wants only one thing: to be a rocker. And maybe to have continual intercourse with his girlfriend. While the latter may be out of his control, he's got a real shot of success with the former, thanks to the surprise appearance by the most bitchingest rock band ever: Neowolf!

These guys rock hard and are draped with gorgeous groupies and seem to be able to party all night. Desperate to get a piece of that sweet action, Tony hooks up with the band members and attempts to gain their affections and, possibly, a spot in their lineup. Unbeknownst to Tony, Neowolf has a secret. When the moon comes out these guys crank their partying skills up another notch and turn into werewolves and eat the heck out of people. Can Tony's girlfriend intervene in time to save him from a tortured fate of violence, homicide and fleas?

Neowolf is a cross between The Lost Boys, Rock 'n' Roll Nightmare, and an impacted molar. It is a tedious film, poorly acted and poorly written and surprisingly humorless considering it's about a band of twenty-something werewolves that tour the country devouring people. Also, about a third of the runtime consists of uninterrupted rock ballads that may or may not set off the carbon monoxide alarms in your house.

So you've got a sludge pace, a near-musical's worth of uninteresting rock numbers and low-level acting/writing/plotting/pacing on one side. On the other, you have the occasional topless werewolf, some passable make-up effects and an okay amount of bloodshed. The scales certainly tip wildly in the favor of all the awfulness, but the trashy elements may just dull the pain enough to keep you going until the goofy finale.

Actually, probably not. Neowolf stinks.

Not much to report about the screener Lightning Media sent over. The 1.85:1 anamorphic widescreen brings the level of quality you can expect from a micro-budgeted production (i.e., soft detailing and low resolution) and the 2.0 stereo will adequately transmit the werewolf snarls and rock songs. No extras.

The Verdict

Guilty. Euthanize this.

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Scales of Justice

Judgment: 55

Perp Profile

Studio: Lightning Media
Video Formats:
• 1.85:1 Anamorphic
Audio Formats:
• Dolby Digital 2.0 Stereo (English)
Subtitles:
• Spanish
Running Time: 88 Minutes
Release Year: 2010
MPAA Rating: Rated R
Genres:
• Horror
• Thriller

Distinguishing Marks

• None

Accomplices

• IMDb








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