All Rise...

Judge Josh Rode wonders when a couple ceases to be "newlywed" and starts being "oldie-wed."

The Charge

How, exactly, does one define "successful marriage"?

The Case

Recipe for Newlyweds cake:

The Cake:
Take a newly married couple still in their honeymoon period. Layer in an out-of-control sister who invites herself to stay and an unhappily veteran married couple. Stir until the newlyweds start bickering. Add a teaspoon of sugar to counteract the bitterness. Bake for 96 minutes, allow to cool, then cut in half.

The Filling:
Mix 3 parts Paul Reiser with 1 part Woody Allen. Sift to remove neuroses. Will create Buzzy (Edward Burns, The Brothers McMullen, who also wrote and directed). Combine a young Helen Hunt with Marketa Irglova's character from Once to get Katie (Caitlin Fitzgerald, It's Complicated). Fold the two together with three cups of chemistry.

Cook over medium heat until simmering, then add sister Linda (Kerry Bishé, Nice Guy Johnny). She will create instant boiling. Careful not to add too much, or she will become the overwhelming flavor.

Overcook Marsha (Marsha Dietlein Bennett, Little Children) and Max (Max Baker, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest) as the quarreling couple. Their storyline adds the lone sour flavoring to the mix.

Pour five cups of excellent writing into a bowl. Sift in fabulous acting, great live "sets," nice pacing, and just a drop of too-realistic discomfort. Season with faux-documentary filmmaking to taste. Combine all ingredients and layer between the two cake halves.

The Frosting: Strain a standard definition 1.78:1 anamorphic widescreen picture through a strainer to remove almost all traces of grain. Blanch a balanced color palette just to the point where the color shades are on the pale side. Mix in Dolby 5.1 Surround mix, making sure most of the sound comes from the center and front speakers. Sub-woofer is optional. Sprinkle in a couple of very short but interesting interviews with Burns and two deleted scenes.

This Newlyweds recipe was thrown together in a very short amount of time by Burns, in order to commemorate the tenth anniversary of the Tribeca Film Festival. It is, in his own words, his best film.

The Verdict

Delicious.

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