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Case Number 27219: Small Claims Court

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Noah's Ark

Shout! Factory // 2007 // 82 Minutes // Not Rated
Reviewed by Judge David Johnson // April 19th, 2014

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All Rise...

Judge David Johnson built an arky arky.

The Charge

All hands, paws, and hooves on deck.

The Case

Years and years ago, our church put on a special Christmas play starring a bunch of us kids. It's was a take on the Nativity, but from the perspective of the animals—the livestock in the stable where Jesus was born, the sheep out in the fields, etc. It was a disaster of a production, with props falling apart and clumsy angels knocking over scenery. More than that it was a really dumb idea for a story. Who cares what the animals think about the Son of Man's arrival to sanctify the human race?

I mention this for two reasons: 1) I was the lead sheep, so I had that going for me, and 2) Noah's Ark, this goofy-ass cartoon resuscitated from seven years ago attempts a similar approach. The events of the Great Flood from Genesis are presented from the point of the view of the animals hanging out in the ark.

So while the rains pour and the floods rise and humanity is scrubbed off the face of the Earth for the Lord's fresh reset, some lions and crocodiles and tigers and orangutans go on a merry adventure in the bowels of Noah's cubit-rich contraption. The main character is some douchebag lion who's in line to be the king of the jungle once the Ark makes land. He's balancing his relationship with his female counterpart and the lust that burns in his loins for the bosomy female tiger. That's right: bosomy female tiger.

Meanwhile, a pair of greedy merchants stowed away on the boat looking to elude the floods and corner the market on mercantile capitalism in the New World. They're the bad guys (well, aside from the millions of souls so depraved, God's only solution was to wipe them out) and SPOILER ALERT they apparently get mauled to death by polar bears at the end.

I'm pretty sure that's what happened. I was pretty disinterested by that point. For all the knickers-twisting Darren Aronofsky's Noah generated, I'll happily take rock monsters and luminescent Adam and Eve over cheesy crap like this. It's not like anything's deeply offensive (well, God being depicted as a blonde, mumbling college linebacker isn't super-awesome), but Noah's Ark is just stupid crap.

The DVD: 1.78:1 anamorphic widescreen, Dolby Digital 5.1 surround and no extras.

The Verdict

Guilty. This one should have been left with the unicorns to drown (yes, there is an actual unicorn in this movie).

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Scales of Justice

Judgment: 50

Perp Profile

Studio: Shout! Factory
Video Formats:
• 1.78:1 Anamorphic
Audio Formats:
• Dolby Digital 5.1 Surround (English)
Subtitles:
• English (SDH)
Running Time: 82 Minutes
Release Year: 2007
MPAA Rating: Not Rated
Genres:
• Adventure
• Animation
• Bad
• Family
• Foreign

Distinguishing Marks

• None

Accomplices

• IMDb








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