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Case Number 19251

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Nuclear Hurricane

E1 Entertainment // 2007 // 88 Minutes // Not Rated
Reviewed by Judge David Johnson // July 9th, 2010

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All Rise...

Judge David Johnson went to school with the Nuclear Hurricane; fantastic defensive tackle, but an obnoxious jackass.

The Charge

Nature's fury is about to be released.

Opening Statement

What do you get when you cross a hurricane with a nuclear power plant run by a spiteful A.I.? If you said "the perfect setting for an experimental adult film" then we're on the same page. Unfortunately, these guys made this stupid movie instead.

Facts of the Case

On a remote island no one has never heard of, the inhabitants are preparing for a massive hurricane that threatens to overrun the place with all its wind and precipitation. Of greater concern is the Seaview nuclear power plant, which lies directly in the path of the storm.

Worse, the A.I. construct foolishly handed complete control over the plant has seemingly gained sentience and turns out to be a real bitch.

The Evidence

What would happen if you made a movie called Nuclear Hurricane and a nuclear hurricane didn't show up? Answer: lots of crawling around inside air ducts and sporadic rain.

Look, you know your dopey little disaster thriller isn't going to register on even the most clued-in movie watcher's Richter scale, so why not go nuts and give us a nuclear hurricane?! What does a nuclear hurricane even look like? I have no clue, but it sounds awesome. Is it radioactive matter swept out to sea turning killer whales into teenage ninjas, or something even crazier like a mushroom cloud-tsunami that incinerates all land-masses that lie ahead? Whatever it is, I'm pretty sure I haven't seen it tackled before on screen, so why not give me the goods?

If it's because of zero budget, I understand. But I'd be willing to forgive crap special effects, especially when measured against the alternative—a dull, derivative sci-fi mash-up, which is what ends up here. In fact, "Nuclear Hurricane" is the wrong title. There is a threat of a nuclear hurricane, but the true antagonist of the film is the stupid robot that takes over the plant and menaces its occupants.

And she's not even an interesting robot. She looks like a leftover stage light from a Black Sabbath concert whose most lethal move is trapping people in crawlspaces. Of course, if the humans are total morons as they are here, then it makes the killer robot seem a lot deadlier. Even though they know she's watching them with malevolent intent, our fleshy heroes opt not to cover her robot eyeball because they don't want to piss her off. Their words.

Meanwhile, outside—where it's raining a bit—a woman gives birth.

Back at the power plant, the major finale action sequence is going on and…it's two people reprogramming a retinal scanner.

Which means, sadly, there is no nuclear hurricane coming.

Not today.

Not ever.

Closing Statement

With all the suspense and excitement of a friendly game of Bocce, Nuclear Hurricane will make you reminisce about the glory of Megafault.

The Verdict

Guilty. Don't forget to toss this disc into the house before you board up the windows.

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Scales of Justice

Video: 85
Audio: 80
Extras: 0
Acting: 60
Story: 40
Judgment: 46

Perp Profile

Studio: E1 Entertainment
Video Formats:
• 1.78:1 Anamorphic
Audio Formats:
• Dolby Digital 2.0 Stereo (English)
Subtitles:
• English (SDH)
Running Time: 88 Minutes
Release Year: 2007
MPAA Rating: Not Rated
Genres:
• Action
• Bad
• Science Fiction
• Thriller

Distinguishing Marks

• None

Accomplices

• IMDb








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