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Case Number 15754

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Poison Ivy: The Secret Society

New Line // 2008 // 96 Minutes // Not Rated
Reviewed by Judge David Johnson // February 20th, 2009

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All Rise...

Judge David Johnson got poison ivy during a campout. There's more to that story, but you're not going to hear it.

The Charge

The seduction continues.

Opening Statement

Is there really a demand for this series to continue? Someone at New Line must think there is, so here we go, a tedious secret society fable buttressed by catfights in a pool, some wanton Bjorking and Greg Evigan.

Facts of the Case

For wide-eyed, innocent farm-girl Daisy (Miriam McDonald), attending Fictional University That I Can't Remember the Name Of represents a shot at her dream, to score a life-changing political internship. Little does she know that the coveted internship is being eyed by Azalea (Shawna Waldron), the awesomest student on campus. Not only is she popular and fashion-conscious and has great hair and well-plucked eyebrows and does not shy away from public displays of cleavage, she's the head of The Ivies, an all-female secret society that's apparently more powerful than the UN or something.

Unwilling to cede her future to the plucky new girl, Azalea grants her Ivy membership, and goes about generally making her life incredibly difficult. To further complicate things, Daisy must deal with the aggressive approaches of the dean's horny, yet good-looking in that Orlando Bloom-meets-GAP kind of way son, Blake (Ryan Kennedy). What's a beautiful blond hayseed to do???

The Evidence

For starters, how about watching any one of the quadrillion Secret Society College movies out there and take a lesson on what not to do. For example, if the roommate you've come to trust warns you not to get mixed up with the popular girls who, by the way, treated you like crap anyway, maybe you should do what she says. Or perhaps it's not using the best judgment to bang the dean's son on the first date, especially since you made a big deal about saving yourself to your high school rancher boyfriend. And if you do opt to sniff around that secret society—which you know is linked somehow to the death of a girl last year, but whatevs—maybe it's not worth following through once they drug you, force a tramp stamp on you, and talk all sinister-like about blood pacts and ruling the world. Then again, without all these staggeringly stupid actions by our heroine we wouldn't have this movie and would be unable to enjoy Greg Evigan's O-face.

I'd also get 100 minutes of my evening back. See, Secret Society is what we in the review business call "a stupid-ass movie." I defy you to be even mildly surprised by what goes down here. Will Daisy be manipulated by Azalea? Will she regret turning to the Ivies? Will her relationship with the dean's son be undermined? Will she eventually grow a set and square off with Azalea once and for all? You should be able to nail each and every question even if you haven't seen so much as the disc case art; there is nothing that happens here that is surprising or shocking or, frankly interesting. Really, when you subtract the nudity and moronic conspiracy plot, you're left with every ugly-duckling-becomes-cool-and-wears-nice-clothes-but-eventually-realizes-her-new-friends-are-dicks storyline ever concocted, from Clueless to Full House.

This being a Poison Ivy movie, you've got to have sleaze (a.k.a. seduction) and it's here. Both Waldron and McDonald disrobe, though the encounters are fairly tame. If softcore action is something you crave, there's a strong chance this film will just leave you wanting. Actually, if it's a story well-told featuring interesting characters and an inventive plot, then this film will leave you wanting for that, too.

The disc comes with both a widescreen (1.85:1 anamorphic) and full screen version (on the flipside) and both look nice and clean. A 5.1 Dolby Digital surround mix pushes the sound well. No extras.

Closing Statement

There's a fair amount of sterile lovemaking, but if you're looking for an engrossing movie, it's not here.

The Verdict

Guilty. Hand me the pruning shears.

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Scales of Justice

Video: 90
Audio: 85
Extras: 0
Acting: 70
Story: 55
Judgment: 58

Perp Profile

Studio: New Line
Video Formats:
• 1.85:1 Anamorphic
Audio Formats:
• Dolby Digital 5.1 Surround (English)
• English
• Spanish
Running Time: 96 Minutes
Release Year: 2008
MPAA Rating: Not Rated
• Drama
• Erotic

Distinguishing Marks

• None


• IMDb

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