Judge Adam Arseneau does not wear the same size pants as Freddy Mercury.
All you can eat!
Like the Necromonicon, unholy tome of deep evil, Queen Sized is bound in human flesh and inked in blood, containing bizarre burial rituals and demon resurrection passages. It was never meant for the world of the living.
Facts of the Case
Maggie (Nikki Blonsky, Hairspray) is an overweight senior high school girl who has serious body issues. She resents the heck out of the pretty, rich, and popular girls, the kind that get to be homecoming queen, and self-medicates by attacking food like Godzilla stomps on Tokyo, much to the horror of her mother (Annie Potts, Any Day Now). However, after the previously mentioned pretty, rich and popular girls play a cruel joke on Maggie and nominate her for homecoming queen (oh, the humiliation!!) Maggie decides to get back at them by actually taking the election seriously.
Together with all the other outcast kids put down by the elitist jocks, Maggie actually stands a chance at winning. But will the fame of her new popularity go to her head?
A Lifetime drama of the week, Queen Sized is an abhorrent work of complete and abject fiction, and frankly, pretty offensive to boot. Not offensive in a Matt Stone or Trey Parker kind of way—you know, the funny kind—but rather the kind that comes when a well-intentioned movie tries to say something profound about its subject and messes it up. Messes it up so bad, in fact that it ends up offending the very people it represents. Smooth move, guys!
Maggie hates herself because she is fat, and, naturally, every single person at her high school chases her around and makes "oink oink" noises. This is the first of many times we are reminded that teenagers are total asses. When Maggie gets upset, she stress eats, which is reminiscent of a rhinoceros impaling a refrigerator with its horn—food goes flying in a shower of tears. This, obviously, is how fat people eat food; clenched in their chubby fists, tears rolling down their face, shoveling dump truck-style into their cavernous maw. Another point for realism there! See where I'm going with this?
Queen Sized wants to be empowering and meaningful on the subject of the poor overweight girl teased at high school, but ends up parodying the very subject it tries to discuss. The fat girl is picked on because she is fat, until she gets popular; then she is the queen of the school…until (gasp!) she messes it all up by being conceited and mean to the people who helped her get the popularity! Then they all hate her again for (you guessed it!) being fat! Oh, sweet, sweet comeuppance! Young "Georgy" Minafer would be proud. Even the school's principal declares Maggie an enemy, siding with the horrible skinny girls, because oh, the shame of having a fat homecoming queen! Why, they'd never live it down!
This never happens. None of it. Not ever. This is the stuff out of a pink diary locked with a key, sitting in the bedroom of a teenage girl on the set of a Lifetime television drama of the week. It is a movie prop. Nothing in this film is even remotely plausible. Hell, not even in Brooklyn are teenagers this cruel and petty. Or to put it another way via a real-life anecdote, I watched Queen Sized with my wife, whom I have permission to pleasantly describe as "Rubenesque." She sat with a dazed look upon her face for the entire film, before turning to me and pronouncing her own hatred of all fat people, now and forever, as a direct result of this film. A wild guess here—probably not the intentions of the filmmakers.
Queen Sized hinges upon the preposterous psyche of an overweight girl with every possible piece of baggage, guilt, and confusion of every facsimiled stereotype about what overweight teenage girls "feel" like—at least in the eyes of lousy screenwriters. Every non-fat person in the film is a raging bastard or queen bitch. They all hate Maggie because she is fat, save for her one friend who takes pity on her and invites her to the parties. Of course, once Maggie gets popular, all bets are off. The best part…oh, the best part is how the film is based "on a true story," which is probably similar to how Aliens is based on a true story. Assumedly, somewhere, at some time, on some distant planet…not ours, that's for sure.
There is one shining moment in Queen Sized where Maggie, trying to get signatures for her homecoming queen petition, asks a facially pierced, tattooed punk rock chick (also chubby) for her name. The girl refuses. Maggie is confused, because as a fellow chubby girl, shouldn't she be the first person supporting her? Au contraire! The goth girl tells Maggie off for wanting the things that society tells her she should want and kicks her ass for not having the courage to be who she is. Maggie looks shamed, and then…nothing happens. The movie continues on unabated, destroying the minds and psyches of thousands of girls forever. Oh, how I wish Queen Sized could have been about you, unnamed punk rock chick. You are so much more deserving of this film.
I concede that the intentions of this film are not devilish or diabolical (that just made for a good intro) but the colossal scope of this film's failure cannot be denied. Queen Sized is offensive because it assumes everyone in the world hates fat people, and while it is admirable that it tries to repair this resentment, it is a meaningless gesture because (wait for it…) the whole world is not out to destroy the lives of fat people. Did you see it coming? Shocking, I know!
Audio and video are on par with what you would expect from a sub-90-minute Lifetime movie; we are favored with an anamorphic transfer and 5.1 surround, but they are lost on the source material. The colors are nicely saturated and black levels are acceptable, but the picture lacks meaningful fidelity or depth. The full surround presentation is appreciated, but the dialogue is firmly rooted in the center, making it a superfluous feature.
For a fat comedy, this disc is as thin as they get: no extras, not a single sausage. You can hit play, or you can check out the chapter stops. Ooh la la!
The Rebuttal Witnesses
Are the intentions of Queen Sized good? Sure, absolutely. A lot goes wrong in this movie; horribly, gut-wrenchingly wrong, but one cannot fault the filmmakers for attempting to make a film about teenage body image meaningful and heartwarming. I have no doubt that some chubby, pre-teenage girl somewhere might catch the film as a rental or on television one day, and not be morally offended to their core. In fact, they might even pick out the good Lifetime messages of the week: beauty is more than skin deep, the popular kids are not always deserving of such popularity, nobody chooses to be judged and classified into cliques, etc.
Good for them. I am happy somebody is getting something good out of this…this…thing.
The hatred I have for this movie can barely be contained in these mere words. It is a colossal miscalculation of massive proportions, no pun intended. Queen Sized is profoundly bad, even for a Lifetime television film. I am in favor of a meaningful film about body image, beauty, and teenage angst, just not one rife with cliché and dishonesty about how the world actually works. Avoid like the fat plague.
You want a film that talks about body image in a serious, meaningful way? Check out Good Burger. Now that's a movie!
Excuse me while I go stress eat. This thing is guilty.
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Scales of Justice
Studio: Anchor Bay
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