Judge Brett Cullum grabbed the conch and voted this disc off the island.
"We gotta be better than this if we're going to sell this to
So you want to be a reality television star? Well, Reality TV Secrets: How To Get On The Show! will either excite you to no end, or convince you these people are morons. (Possibly both, if you're savvy and open to public humiliation.) Either way it's probably a public service…if only it wasn't so damn painful. This DVD is supposed to give you "insider knowledge" on how to get cast on a reality television show. If you buy that, I've got some nice snake oil here in my bag right under the herbal Viagra and land under bridge deeds. Who knew how right Andy Warhol was when he said that in the future everybody would be famous for fifteen minutes? And here's how to do it.
Facts of the Case
Reality TV Secrets: How To Get On The Show! is an hour and a half of loud people talking loudly about how great it was to get cast on a reality television show. The problem is—they can't mention the shows they were on by name (every title gets bleeped), and these reality "has beens" contradict each other left and right in their advice. So basically, it's like a large freaky reality television convention with people giving you advice about something they barely know anything about (the casting process that made them two-minute stars!). There is a segment from a blurred-out blob on helium (they can't show his face or have his real voice) who claims to be a bona fide casting director. He offers such insightful advice as "give them what they want" and "keep trying." Wow, thanks! In reality you learn nothing.
A casual group of reality "stars" talks you through the entire process from auditions to making a tape for submission to casting directors. Everyone is assembled in a house, and they interrupt each other and babble on forever. They offer such insights as "wear something that makes you feel comfortable" and "be opinionated." They also tell you to have your "type" in mind, but don't be too much like previous characters on the show you want to be on. "Talk to the camera!" is golden advice. Remember that party animals usually make it on the show, so be sure to mention that you like the sauce—and promise to be on it for the entire run. Opinions are great too, so be racist or homophobic. That always means great ratings, and casting directors love that. Never look desperate, or mention that you want to escape from your life…that would be the audience's job, okay? Be intelligent, quirky, and outgoing. Great advice from talking heads that even I don't recognize.
Oh my, but this is a painful disc. It looks like someone filmed it with a digital home camcorder, and edited it on the fly with a Mac. The sound is way too loud, and you'll be reaching for volume control immediately (I would suggest the "mute" button). It's technically on par with something I might have recorded on a friend's Betacam back in the day when Beta promised to be the new format of choice. Technically, it's a nightmare.
Subject-wise, it's more than a nightmare. If you're on a first name basis with Coral, Tim, Trishelle, Ethan, Mike, or Leo then you know what you're about to see. It looks like they called up everyone from The Real World and asked them to come on over to Coral's house so they can talk about how great it is to be a reality star. Now, I like reality television. But this? This is watching rejected has-beens talking about how once they were great. Ugh! You really need a clue if you think this might help, and I am here to save you the twenty bucks they ask for this hokum. If you want to be a reality television star, just be loud at the audition and say anything. Just be a freak, and you can join this posse of posers! Just be forewarned. I have yet to see anyone get their big break on these shows. They usually have a shelf life of a black banana in a produce department. The only thing this thing proves is how truly freaking sad these people were in the first place to think this would lead anywhere but to ridicule.
The Rebuttal Witnesses
It's really fun to see these losers gab, and it's almost worth a look just to see them go on and on about this as if it's a career. Let's face it—once you become a reality star there is nowhere to go. So why not all get together and tell people how to "make it"? It's like that last disturbing scene in Freaks where the odd people keep chanting "One of us! One of us!" It's sort of hysterical to watch them pathetically talk about things like "know your type," and actually hear them thoughtfully ruminate on who they were in the show. The "drunk girl" from Real World Hawaii thinks she was a positive role model for ethnic women everywhere, and a take-charge feminist. Honey, you puked in a jacuzzi while you were naked, and now we all have the video to prove it. You rock! These people just aren't in on the joke. We laugh at them until our lips are chapped, and they still think they are stars. Not one of them admits to having a real future, or anything remotely interesting happening to them. We tune in because we want to see them humiliated on national television, not to see empowering role models of ethnic diversity. This would make a great "pick-me-up" disc for anytime you feel bad about yourself. Got fired recently? Girlfriend gone? Well…here's Reality TV Secrets: How To Get On The Show! to totally make yourself feel better. Things could be worse: you could be on this disc. Sad, sad, sad. And still amusing. Kind of like…well…reality TV, but with more reality and less production values.
Please don't think this disc will help you get on any show. Go to the link I have provided in the "Accomplices" section, and just audition like a mad fool if you want to get on a reality television program. The beauty of a reality audition is that it's a win-win situation. Either you get a chance to live in a nice locale for about a month if you get it, or you and your family are spared national shame if you don't. Do you really think it will change your life? I'm an actor who's done stage, radio, television, and film. My advice is much cheaper than this DVD. You just have to audition over and over and over again. And count your blessings if you're not cast, because these people never amounted to much. Oh sure, this batch of sadly egocentric extroverts may have gotten a prize or their picture in a magazine. But at what price? They will forever be known as "the slutty one" or "the drunk one" or worse. The only thing you get is typecast forever as possibly "the dude that almost up-chucked on Fear Factor" or "the guy who we all felt sorry for on Average Joe." At least real actors can hide behind characters, and we never know how stupid they really are—until the Academy Awards or The National Enquirer rolls around.
Guilty, guilty, guilty. Lock them up for life with nothing but reruns of their shows. This is way too much reality for even a fan of the shows to handle. The reality is: these are morons looking for morons to talk to. It's a crime to be this stupid.
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Scales of Justice
Studio: Reality TV Networks
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