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Case Number 17778: Small Claims Court

Buy Robsessed at Amazon


Revolver Entertainment // 2009 // 70 Minutes // Not Rated
Reviewed by Appellate Judge Tom Becker (Retired) // November 25th, 2009

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All Rise...

Appellate Judge Tom Becker found all this to be pretty Robnoxious.

The Charge

"Ever-t'ing about hame is just par-feck!"—Fawnings of a superfan

The Case

Can't get enough of Twilight boy Robert Pattinson? Follow him around from location to location when he's shooting a film? Find out what building he's in and ride the elevators for hours at a time hoping he'll hop in your car? Can you rattle off his theater and film credits without a cheat sheet? Do you know how he gets his hair to look all messy yet sculptured at the same time? If so, then you might be Robsessed, and if you're Robsessed, then this DVD will be…

A colossal waste of your time.

Robsessed is little more than the type of segment they'd use on Entertainment Tonight or The Insider (are those still separate shows?) dragged out to 70 minutes. R-Patz himself appears in still photos, a couple of film clips (none from Twilight or New Moon), and some paparazzi video. He does not sit down for an interview or engage himself in any way with Robsessed. Instead, we get words of awe and wisdom from a variety of photographers, critics, fans, and Daisy Gili, who directed a short film in which Pattinson appeared.

Instead of insight, we get a few Wikipedia-style biographical facts, lots of gushing, and some robvious robservations about our fair-haired boy's…hair. Apparently, the hair is a very big thing in the Pattinson universe, bigger even than—dare I say it?—Jennifer Aniston's hair was in the '90s or Fabio's hair in the '80s. I understand they're already setting up an 800 number help line for the inevitable "Rob Shaves Head for New Role" announcement.

Despite the tricky details of what Pattinson can do with a jar of head grease, I came away from this feeling disturbingly unprepared to face an R-Patz-happy world. I've never seen a Twilight movie or paid much attention to its cast, but after slogging through Robsessed, I still don't know enough about him to earn a wedge in a Pattinson Trivial Pursuit game. It's not only Patz proper who fails to make the scene here. We don't hear from friends, relatives, neighbors, ex-girlfriends, one-night-stands, hoboes he's cooked beans with, or old ladies he's helped cross the street.

We do hear—a lot—from someone named Virginia Blackburn who has a book about him coming out; Blackburn has written a number of "celebrity biographies," including Kylie's Secrets about pop star Kylie Minogue, and the imaginatively titled Robbie's Secrets about pop star Robbie Williams. Pattinson has no secrets; his book is prosaically titled Robert Pattinson: The Biography. A few people who worked with him before he was R-capital-P-atz have nice, if not especially fascinating, things to say about him. While there's a semi-interesting (and probably oft-repeated amongst fans) story of how he was cast opposite Kristen Stewart in Twilight, this is mainly an hour or so of innocuous prattle that barely qualifies as the promised All Areas Accessed portrait.

Extras? You mean, you want more Rob? Well, what we get here is a 41-second photo gallery of shots that are already in the feature, and—astonishingly—a trailer, with white-on-blinding-pink quotes about our guy from Vanity Fair and Perez Hilton, who demurely opines that Rob is "The Hottest Male Specimen to Grace Human Vision." That's a "sic," by the way.

The Verdict

Look, if you're a Pattinson fan hellbent on possessing everything Robert, you'll likely pick this up without thinking and watch it the same way. If you can resist the siren song of Team Edward, then this one's a pass.

Case dismissed.

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Scales of Justice

Judgment: 55

Perp Profile

Studio: Revolver Entertainment
Video Formats:
• 1.85:1 Anamorphic
Audio Formats:
• Dolby Digital 2.0 Stereo (English)
• None
Running Time: 70 Minutes
Release Year: 2009
MPAA Rating: Not Rated
• Documentary

Distinguishing Marks

• Photo Gallery
• Trailer


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• Official Site

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