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Case Number 22707: Small Claims Court

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Roswell: The Aliens Attack

Paramount // 1999 // 88 Minutes // Rated PG
Reviewed by Judge David Johnson // November 10th, 2011

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All Rise...

When the aliens do attack, Judge David Johnson will be all about the appeasement. Viva Neville!

The Charge

They told us aliens didn't exist. They lied.

The Case

SPOILER WARNING! The aliens don't actually attack.

I don't want you getting your hopes up, thinking that some awesome aliens attacking is in store for you with this made-for-TV movie. I don't approve of the misleading subtitle, but I can see why the creative forces behind the production opted for it. No one is going to buy a movie called Roswell: The Aliens Get Caught Up in Bureaucratic Red Tape, Fail to Attack.

Of course, even if the aliens did attack, this movie would still be a complete waste of your time and attention. No amount of extraterrestrial violence could lift this sad sack out from the abyss.

Red flags pop up right away, with some corny narration about how aliens have been shown in pop culture, which is simply an excuse to show clips from The War of the Worlds (which in itself is a cheap and easy way to show alien spaceships flying around firing lasers, because that sure doesn't happen at all in the rest of the movie). That sets up the story, which takes place in the 1940s during the whole Roswell alien conspiracy thing and we meet our two aliens: John (Steven Flynn) and Eve (Heather Hanson).

They look like regular people, which saves a lot of money on make-up costs, except when their eyes light up all green and alien-like (those visual effects are a hit, but money can be saved on reduced catering). Their plan? To detonate a monster nuclear bomb and wipe out America's top brass.

Eve is all about the mission, employing her hot sensuality to seduce high-ranking Army officials that look like Nicolas Cage going through detox and get classified launch codes. Meanwhile John finds himself getting caught up with a human family and—shocker—learning to appreciate the species. In fact, he's inclined to not blow them up and it has nothing to do with the perky breasts of the woman he's been hanging out with. After a series of tension-goosing countdown scenes and some harsh words exchanged about why exactly do the aliens need to attack later, this movie ends.

For some reason Paramount though it would be wise to bring his 1999 made-for-TV movie back into the public consciousness and for that they must punished with a zoning violation or a surtax on their current IRS filings. Roswell: The Aliens Attack is terrible—boring, predictable and flimsy. It's not even inadvertently funny. Take this line of dialogue:

MAN (post coitus): You're out of this world.

EVE (eyes flash green): You have no idea

That's just sad.

A nothing of a DVD: a below-average full frame transfer, 2.0 stereo, and no extras.

The Verdict

Guilty. Give these aliens an autopsy immediately.

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Scales of Justice

Judgment: 50

Perp Profile

Studio: Paramount
Video Formats:
• Full Frame
Audio Formats:
• Dolby Digital 2.0 Stereo (English)
Subtitles:
• English (SDH)
Running Time: 88 Minutes
Release Year: 1999
MPAA Rating: Rated PG
Genres:
• Bad
• Mystery
• Science Fiction
• Television
• Thriller

Distinguishing Marks

• None

Accomplices

• IMDb








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