Judge David Johnson preferred the Little Golden Book adaptation instead.
Are you there Satan? It's me, Dave.
Hi. I just watched a movie called Satan's Cannibal Holocaust. I work for a film review site called DVD Verdict. I was assigned this film to watch and then write down my reaction. I'm writing to you to ask one simple question: are you embarrassed at all to have your name associated with crappy horror movies?
Yeah, you probably get that a lot.
There have been more movies than I can count that either feature you in the title or include your demonic machinations in its plot. And I would hazard that the majority of these productions—by far—have been less than stellar. In fact, I think the only one I like was that Halloween episode of Quantum Leap. That was pretty awesome.
Now I'm not fishing for empathy here. You are a supreme douchebag. The casting out of Heaven (which you so deserved), the dispatching of your dark Hellspawn to sew discord among the faithful, the Adam and Eve thing, the way you acted like a jackass to Jesus, taunting him with bread and the never-ending appearances in photos of clouds or building explosions, all of that totals an existence dedicated to pissing people off.
So, sure, you're a jerk, but even the foulest of eternal beings don't deserve the reputation besmirching you've endured over the course of the years. Which takes me to the main subject of this latter: Satan's Cannibal Holocaust.
Has this one crossed your unholy desk yet? It's a low-budget horror movie about a cult of you-worshippers that kidnaps innocent bystanders, drags them underground, ties them up, then, after disrobing and engaging in unappetizing intercourse, mutilates their victims and devours their flesh. There's a lot of writhing around and misshapen nudity and blood geysers and the folks behind the gore effects certainly put their heart and soul into grossing out as many as people as possible, but, frankly, you can find all of that in similar Z-grade indie horror films, which I'm sure you've viewed ad nauseum, assuming you in fact get nauseous.
And what's the deal with your followers? They're always portrayed in these kinds of movies as castoffs from a Cure tribute band. I guess they must just be drugged with your evilness, but talk about a bunch of stiffs. At least they don't mind getting lathered up in red dye and rolling around with their privates exposed. It takes a special kind of minion to get that sticky for their dark lord.
Unfortunately, they are thwarted by a tenacious reporter, the protagonist of the story, and whatever malicious vision they had cooked up was lost. I don't want to tell you how to do your job, and I know you've been at this thing for a long, long time, but whoever your Director of Recruitment and Retention is, you need to dump him into the Lake of Fire and post a listing on Monster.com. These clowns can eat fake internal organs with the best of them, but as far as efficiently planning and executing a Satanic cannibal holocaust, they fall far short.
So, copious gore effects aside, I ask you, is there anything you find worthwhile about this film? I'll give you the decent array of features (director's commentary, behind-the-scenes feature, gag reel, and a short film) and the 16x9 anamorphic treatment and, yeah, genre of fans of on-screen debauchery and no-frills bloodshed may find limited valued here, but at some point these movies that use your moniker so liberally need to start making sense.
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Scales of Justice
Studio: SRS Cinema
• Director's Commentary
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