All Rise...

Judge David Johnson wakes up in the morning when the alarm gives out a warning and, you know, sometimes he doesn't think he'll ever make it on time. But he always does.

Editor's Note

Our reviews of Saved By The Bell: Seasons One And Two (published September 15th, 2003) and Saved By The Bell: Seasons Three And Four (published May 26th, 2004) are also available.

The Charge

Finally. After years and years of waiting, the most influential pair of films of my generation has arrived: Saved by the Bell: Hawaiian Style and Saved by the Bell: Wedding in Las Vegas.

The Case

Where to start? There are so many emotions running through my head. I never thought this day would finally come. Sure, releasing the original seasons of Saved by the Bell was much-appreciated and, let's be honest, crucial to maintaining the fabric of a civil society, as we all know the legions of unsatisfied fans would have sown pandemonium in the streets if they couldn't have the best scenes of Kevin the Robot available at a moment's notice.

But Hawaiian Style and Wedding in Las Vegas?!? Together on the same disc?!? Not even I, the most wide-eyed of Bayside dreamers, could dare fan even the faintest ember of hope in my heart that such a bold, important release would finally see the light of day. But it did, and it is a wondrous new morning at that.

Gosh, it's like my life has changed, you know, like so much! I feel a heightened awareness of my surroundings. This morning, I swear I could actually hear the dew dripping off of the leaves! I saw a hummingbird and felt the love from within its little heart. The clouds smiled at me. A group of butterflies spelled out the word "Mirth" in mid-air.

What a fantastic day, this "morning after" watching these films for the first time, back-to-back, thanks to the miracle of DVD and the benevolence of the decision-makers at Lionsgate. Wow, I just got chills writing the words "watching these films for the first time, back-to-back."

Okay, enough of the outpouring of my feelings, let's get on with the reviews!

Saved by the Bell: Hawaiian Style

The gang takes a summer trip to Hawaii to spend time at Kelly's grandfather's ramshackle resort, the Hideaway. But their days of relaxing in the sun take a bad turn when they find out that a greedy developer has eyes for the Hideaway and uses every dirty trick to force Kelly's grandfather to go bankrupt. To provide a needed cash infusion, Zack, Slater, Lisa, Kelly, Jessie and Screech agree to work at the Hideaway and lure Mr. Belding and a group of vacationing principals to spend the week there.

Meanwhile, Zack is smitten with a native girl (Rena Sofer) and her perky nipples, but is shocked to discover she has a child! But, horny as always, Zack soldiers on, making sandcastles with the little rug-rat and further enamoring himself to his new MILF-friend. Also: Slater and Jessie try to go the whole vacation without sniping at each other, Kelly falls in love with her grandfather's stud lawyer who may or may not be a traitor, Lisa hangs around and Screech, sinking ever more into the nightmarish world of mental illness, is mistaken for a Messiah to the local Hawaiian tribe.

Memorable Moments
Zack playing with a kid that bears zero resemblance to Rena Sofer; Kelly's grandfather's stupid ukulele song; the helpful, highly-detailed on-tape confession of the greedy developer; the scummy lawyer getting punched in the face by Kelly and actually reacting as if the punch was thrown by a middle linebacker instead of a 90-pound cheerleader (pre-implants of course); and the original songs strewn throughout, which, I think, is the worst crap I've heard.

One Question, Though…
What the hell are high school principals doing on a Hawaiian getaway?

Saved by the Bell Wedding in Las Vegas

Led-in by the final episode of the doomed prime-time effort Saved by the Bell: The College Years, Wedding in Las Vegas gives die-hard fans what they have hoped for since the series kicked off with Mark-Paul Gossellaar showing off the creepy life-size poster of Tiffani Amber-Thiessen in her volleyball uniform. Convinced that there will never be another girl like Kelly, Zack convinces her to marry him in Las Vegas, against his parents' wishes.

Zack, Slater and Screech take off for Vegas to set things in motion and Lisa and Kelly do a girls-only trip. But disaster strikes early and often. The boys are arrested in a small town and soon lose all their money, then are forced to take jobs as male escorts to pay for the wedding. Kelly and Lisa break down on the side of the road and are helped by a hippie. When everyone finally arrives in Las Vegas, they land in the middle of a diamond heist! That's a whole lot of craziness! But never fear, it all ends well and Zack and Kelly tie the knot and prepare for the direct-to-VHS honeymoon sequel, Ka-Plowing Kapowski.

Memorable Moments
The discovery that a Vegas chapel wedding only costs $50 and that Zack became a male escort for nothing; the death-defying hotel balcony stunt sequence; the stupidest Vegas goons ever; Slater's knock-out punch; Slater's knock-out girlfriend; the ironic cameo by Elizabeth Berkley; Slater and Screech and Zack dressed as showgirls for what reason again?; and Gilbert Gottfried…er, scratch that.

One Question, Though…
Who in their right mind would trust Screech with the wedding ring?

So there you have it, two of the most pivotal made-for-TV-movies-about-a-group-of-kids-from-a-Saturday-morning-teen-show ever. Don't expect much of a DVD, however. A mediocre full frame transfer, 2.0 stereo and no extras.

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What's "fair"? Whether positive or negative, our reviews should be unbiased, informative, and critique the material on its own merits.

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