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Case Number 02003: Small Claims Court

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Scare Their Pants Off / Satan's Bed

Something Weird Video // 1968 // 132 Minutes // Unrated
Reviewed by Judge Bill Gibron (Retired) // July 5th, 2002

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All Rise...

The Charge

A unique plan to get the girls. A study in abnormality.

The Case

In NYC, two guys who would give Henry and Otis the willies decide that the best way to get girls is to, literally, Scare Their Pants Off. With this brilliant bit of perversity in mind, they kidnap young women and act out torture and ritualistic sacrifice fantasies (on really bad cardboard sets) until the girls pass out. Then, of course, their psychotic fun can start. In Satan's Bed, a reformed drug dealer/immigration officer dreams of having a subservient mail order Asian bride to scream "bonsai" when he shouts "Pearl Harbor." Instead, he gets Yoko Ono who, within 10 minutes of being Fed-Ex'd to the US, is systematically kidnapped, robbed, and debauched by a tacky bunch of lowlifes that answer to a supine underworld figure that never leaves his bed. Add to this a totally unrelated group of delinquents (actually scenes from another movie) who take suburbia by felonious force, and you have two slices of black and white sleaze that are as whacked out as they are disturbing.

It is hard to say what is the more unsettling aspect of these two films; the fact that someone dreamt them up or that they actually found people to star in them. Scare Their Pants Off is like a night of amateur one act plays at the community college coffeehouse. Each performance given by the super seedy sickos is more over the top than the next. By the time you get to the Nazi interrogation, you expect Nathan Lane to arrive and start squealing "Springtime for Hitler." And just how do these master criminals cover up their crimes? Why, they buy their unconscious conquests a one way ticket on the Staten Island Ferry! Satan's Bed is a whole other bizarre, disjointed experience—Yoko Ono acting subservient and humble for the one and only time in her life is worth the price of the DVD alone. After a vague set up, we find ourselves smack in the middle of a crazy gang of gimps who give the concept of a crime spree a bad name. From the mob boss who seems to be in a perpetual Sealy Posturpedic moment to the delinquent dingbats who attack the wrong girl (they are from another movie, after all), there are enough jerks, quirks, and smirks here to leave you shaking your head, wondering "What the HELL were they thinking/smoking/drinking?"

Something Weird Video's presentation is, as usual, first rate. These black and white films look like they were processed yesterday, with only the occasional flaw or scratch giving away their true age. There are, as usual, extras galore with trailers for films with such scandalous and sensational titles as The Bizarre Ones and Career Bed. The archival shorts offer us the risqué life and crimes of a hooker, the perils of couples night at the Porno Theater, and Times Square before Disney-fication. And don't be mistaken, this disc contains some fairly graphic sexual situations. For every scene of ridiculousness or incompetence, there is another showing faux copulation, abuse, and/or mayhem. Exploitation films may not be everyone's cup of tea, but SWV has done a good job here of presenting oddball, entertaining titles which offer some grit without a lot of grime. Just make sure your belts and suspenders are good and tight.

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Scales of Justice

Judgment: 85

Perp Profile

Studio: Something Weird Video
Video Formats:
• Full Frame
Audio Formats:
• Dolby Digital 1.0 Mono (English)
• None
Running Time: 132 Minutes
Release Year: 1968
MPAA Rating: Unrated
• Classic
• Horror

Distinguishing Marks

• Trailers
• Archival Short Subjects
• Sexploitation Movie Poster Gallery
• Sexploitation Radio Spot Rarities

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