Judge Adam Arseneau used to get regular reports on schoolgirls, until the police made him stop.
Our reviews of Schoolgirl Report 3: What Parents Find Unthinkable (published March 7th, 2008), Schoolgirl Report 2: What Keeps Parents Awake At Night (published September 21st, 2007), Schoolgirl Report 3: What Parents Find Unthinkable (International Edition) (published August 29th, 2008), and Schoolgirl Report 4: What Drives Parents To Despair (published August 29th, 2008) are also available.
Schoolgirl report? Sign me up!
Erotic cinema masquerading as sex education documentary, Schoolgirl Report 1: What Parents Don't Think Is Possible is either the smartest porn you will ever see, or the filthiest documentary in the history of civilization.
Eat your heart out, Discovery Channel.
Facts of the Case
A young student lingers behind during a school fieldtrip and makes her way back to the school bus, where she meets up with the bus driver and begins making amorous advances upon him. The two are interrupted by the arrival of a teacher, who immediately hauls the student down to the principal's office.
The teachers are mortified at the young girl's behavior and threaten her with expulsion. The girl is defiant, protesting that she did nothing wrong. The school calls into session a parent conference to discuss the youth's fate. After all, the school has a reputation to protect. Worse, none of the parents particularly want such a corrupting influence around their daughters.
The only voice that comes to the defense of the young woman is a psychologist, who has performed some studies upon teenage sexuality. He begins to explain how for the new generation, sexual exploration is harmless and normal. Germany in the 1970s is a liberal, forward-thinking nation. Citing research, he begins to make his case…
I feel it prudent to share with you all, my gentle readers, the following story. When this DVD arrived in the mail for review, my wife opened the package to see what I had received for consumption this week. Upon gazing at this title, her reaction was reasonable and proportional.
"PORN?!" she screamed at the top of her lungs, her voice echoing throughout the apartment complex hallways. Neighbors opened their doors in alarm to peer out.
"German porn," I corrected her, as if this somehow made it better.
Ah, the Germans. I play into stereotypes, but some of the oddest fetishes seem to emerge from this place. Case in point, the "sex report film;" essentially soft-core pornography that posed as legitimate, serious documentary features for the public service of "educating" the public on the ways of naughty teenage nymphos. Entirely a German phenomenon of the 1970s, these Schoolgirl Report films were so smashingly successful at the box office that thirteen titles would be produced in the series over the next ten years. Make no mistake; Schoolgirl Report is soft-corn porn. The title and form of the narrative may suggest otherwise—well, not the title—but trust me on this fact. This reviewer researched long into the night many times over, checking his facts again and again. Ahem. Okay, just kidding.
After catching a high school student having sex with a bus driver, school officials and parents gather to decide her fate. The film is divided into small "research studies" narrated by a psychologist, based on a real-life set of interviews conducted by writer Günther Hunold, studying the sexual habits of teenagers. The original material was a serious study (of sorts) designed to educate parents on the extremely active sexual lifestyles of their children. What Schoolgirl Report does is take the confessional material and act it out, nakedly.
Real-life interviews with anonymous subjects are conducted on the street, asking young women their thoughts on taboo subjects: masturbation, sex habits, etc. The frank responses and open enthusiasm of the replies is designed to provoke a reaction out of parents during the 1970s, but by today's standards seems kind of whimsical and polite. The thrust of the film (get it?) suggests that this seemingly amoral and sinful behavior on the part of youth is completely natural and something that should be supported and tolerated by parents, not punished.
As simulacra go, Schoolgirl Report is a fascinating re-creation of stodgy sex education-style documentaries that would have been shown to high school students back in the 1970s, except that instead of cutting away at the last second before the nasty, the film keeps on rollin'. The effect is quite disorientating, like somebody spliced together incongruent and radically different films together into a single picture. Stodgy psychoanalysis gives way to street-style candid news interviews, which then gives way to hot teen-on-teen-on-teen action. I've never seen an erotic film that tried so desperately to be taken seriously, let alone one that actually succeeds!
Pornography with a strong sense of moral duty on paper is a foolish gamble, but in Schoolgirl Report, it actually pays off. As a film, it is surprisingly credible, full of interesting analysis about sexual maturity in teenagers and highlighting the almost ruthless way teens go about expressing themselves. The stories told are not the stuff out of Penthouse letters or anything corny like that, but frank and often brutal acts of sexual exploration. As a showcase of soft core erotic porn, there is enough teenage nakedness and beautiful women to satisfy those solely in search of such things. Neither element is particularly out of proportion with the other; there is just enough commentary on the subject of teen sexuality to justify its documentary moniker, while the nakedness never really goes beyond that "late-night cable soft core" porn level.
Okay, seriously? I have no idea what to even do with a film like this. If this film is seriously for concerned parents (which I doubt) then that's just wrong, wrong wrong. If parents are getting off at the thought of their children having promiscuous sex…man, forget it. On the other hand, if this film is simply a good excuse for some T and A, the overly cerebral nature is baffling and distracting from the nakedness. Regardless of the intentions of the filmmaker, this documentary-meets-porn is an utterly surreal experience. It is one of the most unique films I have ever had the pleasure of seeing. And when combined with the pleasure of seeing lots of naked girls…well, you've got…err, something very German.
The acting, such as it is, is painful. Most of the teenagers play their role with gusto (best word to describe porn ever!) but the enraged parents destroy whatever acting credibility the film has. They stamp their feet, snort and seethe, and make a mess of things. This is soft-core, so undressing the girls is the modus operandi here, and what few sex scenes are shown are short, awkward, and embarrassingly simulated. The best sequences are the candid interviews, which ironically enough form the majority of the film's content. Random young girls from the street (some genuine, some staged) are placed in front of the camera and asked risqué questions. Most answer honestly and bluntly, which was supposed to be shocking and controversial in the 1970s. By today's standards, the average episode of Friends is more explicit.
Subtitled in English with German dialogue, the film looks and sounds abhorable with scratchy and hissing audio, badly overdubbed audio, ear-wrenching highs, minimal bass response, and a washed-out, heavily damaged print transfer. Still, if you set your expectations accordingly, the presentation is reasonable enough. How do you expect 1970s German porno films to look? Schoolgirl Report is a veritable showcase of early 1970s Germany, with fantastic music, clothing, and home decor to put the most fashion-conscious and tasteful of us into raving fits of madness. The hair, the clothes, and the hilarious organ-driven soundtrack are so embarrassingly dated that it reeks of vintage awesomeness.
The Rebuttal Witnesses
There is a part of me that can't even believe what I am going to do, but the absolute gut-wrenching hilarious truth behind this film is the cerebral ideology behind it is utterly sound. Bear with me here. I know this is just soft core teens getting nekkid for the entertainment of all, and the whole psudo-documentary thing is just a dirty ol' fetish, but the points this film goes out of its way to make are incredibly relevant and valid. Hey, where are you going? Wait, come back.
Here's a film from the 1970s, narrated from the perspective of a conservative generation of parents watching their children decline into sexual taboo and moral decline, freaking out about it—only to have an official researcher-type guy come on and reassure parents that things will work out for the better. This film, corny as it is, showed remarkable amounts of foresight. After all, here it is almost forty years later, and the planet has yet to collapse into sin and cultural corruption. Youths learned how to be sexually experimental and expressive during the 1970s, as a cultural revolution of sorts, and shockingly it didn't destroy the world. Schoolgirl Report may be nothing but exploitation erotica, but the message of the film speaks volumes about the time period and the cultural concerns of the day. As a global society, it turns out that teenagers having sex didn't cause World War III. Who knew? You can relax now, parents!
Okay, fine. So it's just a dirty ol' skin flick. Am I trying to justify my enjoyment in watching it? No comment. I still stand by my analysis.
How the hell a film like this even gets made (let alone gets made again twelve more times) is just another thing to add onto the ever-growing list of strange things the Germans do. Schoolgirl Report is a film you desperately want to take seriously, but the sheer volume of incredible naked teenagers constantly distracts you from doing so. But not in a bad way.
Like all soft-core porn, the film is shameless and exploitative, but oddly enjoyable. Unlike other soft-core porn, however, this one is enjoyable from the waist up as well. Go figure.
For all you German 1970 teenage porn aficionados out there, this one is for you.
Never thought you'd hear a Judge say that, eh?
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