All Rise...

Judge Christopher Kulik realized too late that this report was written by a German pervert.

Editor's Note

Our reviews of Schoolgirl Report 3: What Parents Find Unthinkable (published March 7th, 2008), Schoolgirl Report 1: What Parents Don't Think Is Possible (published April 12th, 2007), Schoolgirl Report 2: What Keeps Parents Awake At Night (published September 21st, 2007), and Schoolgirl Report 4: What Drives Parents To Despair (published August 29th, 2008) are also available.

The Charge

Reporter Günter Hunold: Ladies and gentleman, you'll probably recognize me if you're one of the ten million viewers who watched the first two episodes of Schoolgirl Report. You may well ask, "what else could they tell us in a third part?" As you will see, the facts are new and even more shocking. Judge for yourself.

The Case

Even though I missed the first two Reports in this series, I did judge for myself. I can't help but dispute Mr. Hunold's claim that the facts are "new and even more shocking," as this should be translated as "more of the same." These Reports are mere relics of the early 70s, intended only as cheap soft-core material which couldn't be attacked as such because they had a (so-called) educational value to them.

The brew is simple: naughty vignettes featuring underage girls (everywhere from 14 to 18 years) are interspersed with parental interviews, with all parties participating anonymously. After a brief introduction by Hunold, we meet the Christian Young Men's Association of Hamburg, which has recently published a guide on sex education. Then they monitor the interactions between 10 schoolboys and 7 schoolgirls. Take a wild guess what happens.

What follows are five or six more segments with a different scenario. For example, we meet a young girl who gets raped by three boys; she gets caught by the janitor, who forces her to become a sex slave to him. Another girl seduces a friend's father, and then accuses him of raping her. One girl actually seduces her younger brother (!), while another one goes after her father. In between each segment, we have Hunold asking questions to various men and women on the street about the scenarios and what they would do or say.

As one girl asks early on, "what kind of rubbish is this?" My sentiments exactly.

Believe me, I'm not a prude or overly conservative. However, I found this Report more disturbing than erotic, and more sickening than informational. I don't say disturbing because of the displayed girls' ages, but rather for the fact that people actually bought this crap back in the day. Hunold himself comes off as perverted joke, especially when he's clumsily tries to pass himself off as the next Kinsey or Freud.

Here's a sampling of Hunold's "facts" that he provides in his dull, overlong lecture:

1) The majority of schoolgirls like their first time to be with a) an older man or b) any boy who reminds her of their father.
2) Every year, roughly 20,000 schoolgirls become prostitutes. (That doesn't include sorority girls in college, either.)
3) Most fathers like to give their daughters a "good, hard spanking" whenever they catch them in bed with their boyfriends.
4) Mothers consider themselves "girlfriends" with their daughters when they are honest with them about sex. (How kinky!)
5) Schoolgirls don't understand why happiness cannot be achieved when they sleep with their immediate family members.

Oh, yes, there is also a laughable epilogue provided by Kurt Seelmann, the former director for the City Youth Office of Munich (riiiiight!), who stipulates this Report should be "required viewing for all." Don't worry, Kurt, I'll be sure to burn copies of this crap for all my family, friends, neighbors, co-workers, as well as fellow DVD judges. They all must be informed of the sex epidemic which is seriously affecting our schoolgirls.

Still, one thing Report does provide on an educational level is how more sexually open the Europeans are compared to America. Why do you think many countries across the pond have less strict laws which would appeal to the pedophile down the street from your house? Nevertheless, did these series of films have to be so stupid? Even as soft-core pornography, they're limp as Larry Flynt's dick. Naturally, they also avoid male nudity and just provide breasts and unshaved vaginas; after all, this is a film about schoolgirls and the dirty things they do and not what men do to them. How sexist!

This is the second time this Report has come to DVD by Impulse. This one is dubbed the "International Version," with the one difference being that 16 minutes have been shaved off the final cut. (No complaints there!) The 1.66:1 anamorphic widescreen print is plagued by the usual amount of grain and scratches, with the German DD 2.0 Stereo track in doing its job. There are no extras, though one word of warning: the English subtitles appear in the actual print.

Recommended only for those who wish to re-generate some hard feelings while re-living some horny memories. The film is found guilty, with this Report receiving a F. Court is adjourned.

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