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Case Number 13007

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Secret Desires

Seduction Cinema // 2008 // 74 Minutes // Not Rated
Reviewed by Judge John Floyd (Retired) // February 15th, 2008

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All Rise...

Judge John Floyd had a very tough time keeping his desire to toss this DVD in the garbage a secret.

The Charge

"Unleash your most hidden fantasies!"

Opening Statement

What could possibly be worse than a clumsy, derivative softcore porn flick? A clumsy, derivative softcore porn flick that's supposed to be funny but isn't.

Facts of the Case

Secret Desires wheels out the tired cliché of a frustrated housewife indulging in her wildest carnal fantasies (which, predictably, means sex with other women) while her selfish, surly husband is at work. The catalyst for this abrupt trip behind the proverbial green door is a movie projector loaded with grainy stag reels of strippers and burlesque queens.

The Evidence

This DVD opens with trailers for other Seduction Cinema releases, two of which (Curious Obsessions and Lustful Illusions) appear to have the exact same plot as this movie. That makes these releases #105,987, #105,988, and #105,999, respectively, on the all-time list of sex movies about a bored wife daydreaming about a walk on the wild side while hubby is away. In other words, if you've seen even a handful of erotic films in your lifetime, you've seen this story before, and seen it done much better.

Darian Caine plays the female lead here, and her casting speaks volumes about the care that went into the production. Though not without her red light district charms, Miss Caine has too many tattoos, too much silicone, and too much eye make-up to be even remotely credible as an average, suburban domestic goddess. In typical porn fashion, this girl-next-door does housework in frilly lingerie and stripper shoes, and takes all of 3.2 seconds to begin masturbating with abandon once the projector is plugged in and running. One look at her four-inch stiletto heels and fishnet stockings and the viewer will have considerable difficulty believing that this June Cleaver of the "Girls Gone Wild" generation has ever struggled with sexual repression. A much better choice for the role would have been co-star Jackie Stevens, a striking brunette who is completely wasted here in a very minor subplot.

About half of the film consists of scenes of Caine tending to herself or frolicking with another tattooed tart (Molly Heartbreaker) intercut with the genuine nudie reels, which were obviously the "inspiration" for the project. The remaining moments are filled with angry, chauvinistic tirades from her thoroughly obnoxious husband and a series of unfunny gay jokes involving him and an amorous male co-worker. As dull and repetitive as the by-the-numbers lesbian and self-gratification scenes are, these would-be comedic bits are even more difficult to sit through. The movie is only 74 minutes long, but it really feels like it goes on forever.

The "humorous" message of the narrative seems to be that everyone is a closet homosexual. The projector actually shows people their "secret desires" (and, presumably, their curious obsessions and lustful illusions), so all of the women see strippers from the 60s, while all of the men see men. This broad comedic premise is not so much offensive as it is curious, considering that films like these are aimed primarily at the heterosexual male consumer and late night cable viewer. It's difficult to imagine even the most open-minded and tolerant straight guy finding much eroticism in a movie the repeatedly cuts right from the wife and her imaginary girlfriends to the husband and his horny assistant finding new excuses to dry hump one another.

The Rebuttal Witnesses

The Behind-The-Scenes footage included here is more interesting (and oddly enough, at times more erotic) than the film itself. The 16mm stag loops are also not without their historic and prurient appeal, and the disc does allow the viewer to see them outside the confines of the tedious feature. For those seeking the perfect electronic porn music for their next Tupperware party or PTA luncheon, there is also a soundtrack CD by a band called The Taint.

Closing Statement

Secret Desires borrows a time-tested adult movie plot and mishandles it in almost every way imaginable. Poor casting, an unresolved central conflict, mediocre execution of the sexual content, and a wrong-headed underlying premise make this one a chore for even the most ardent fan of FCC-friendly erotica.

The Verdict

Guilty! Get out of my courtroom now, before I hold you in contempt of your target audience!

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Scales of Justice

Video: 80
Audio: 80
Extras: 50
Acting: 35
Story: 40
Judgment: 30

Perp Profile

Studio: Seduction Cinema
Video Formats:
• 1.66:1 Anamorphic
Audio Formats:
• Dolby Digital 2.0 Stereo (English)
Subtitles:
• None
Running Time: 74 Minutes
Release Year: 2008
MPAA Rating: Not Rated
Genres:
• Bad
• Comedy
• Erotic

Distinguishing Marks

• Behind-The-Scenes Footage
• Rare Vintage 16mmm Film Loops
• Seduction Cinema Trailer Vault
• CD Soundtrack by The Taint

Accomplices

• Darian Caine at IMDb
• Official Site








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