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Case Number 11347: Small Claims Court

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The Sexual Story Of O

Severin Films // 1984 // 92 Minutes // Not Rated
Reviewed by Appellate Judge Mac McEntire // May 8th, 2007

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All Rise...

Appellate Judge Mac McEntire wonders what O's parents were thinking when they named her that.

The Charge

Outrageous! Orgasmic! Obscene!

The Case

The following is a series of e-mails sent over the course of one evening from 12-year-old Irving "Ernie" Kimpleton to his friend, 12-year-old Gerry "Tak" Takaguchi.


From: Ernie, [ern35227@coolninja.com]
Sent: Tuesday, May 8, 2007, 6:55 p.m.
To: Gerry Takaguchi, [tak89894@chicksdigme.com]
Subject: You gotta check this out!


Wazzup, bro? I've been callin' your cell, but you're not answering. Anyway, I think my stupid stepbrother stole my copy of Urban Chaos, so I snuck into his room looking for it, and you're not gonna believe what I found under his bed. It's a DVD called The Sexual Story of O. The package has a bunch of pictures of hot chicks on it. You know, it's, like, one of those movies. BOING!!! My dad and my stupid stepmom aren't gonna be here tonight, so you should come over and watch it with me. Hot chicks, yeah!



From: Ernie, [ern35227@coolninja.com]
Sent: Tuesday, May 8, 2007, 7:14 p.m.
To: Gerry Takaguchi, [tak89894@chicksdigme.com]
Subject: Dude!


I've been calling you and texting you and you're still not answering. I started watching the movie without you, so you better get over here quick. My dad and my stepmom are still at their "Improve your parenting" class tonight, so we got plenty of time.

I kinda don't know what to think about this movie. It starts out with this total babe walking around her apartment butt naked while a married couple spies on her and gets all turned on by her and stuff. Don't get me wrong, that part was pretty hot, but there's all this other stuff that's not so hot. Like, this movie is in some other language with subtitles. Man, I don't want to read a movie. The best thing about watching a movie is that it isn't reading. And this was made in 1984. That's old, dude! This must be, like, one of the first movies ever made. So the married couple gets the hot girl back to their place for a threesome (yes!!!) but this one lady is wearing high heeled boots and a scarf to bed. Who wears a scarf to bed? And just when it starts getting really sexy, they keep cutting away to shots of flowers and waves hitting a beach. Who wants look at that stuff when you could be looking at babes?

Oohh, crap. I was eating Cheetos while I watched the movie, and I got that Cheeto crap all over my fingers and now it's all over the keyboard. I hate that.



From: Ernie, [ern35227@coolninja.com]
Sent: Tuesday, May 8, 2007, 7:48 p.m.
To: Gerry Takaguchi, [tak89894@chicksdigme.com]
Subject: Lame


Where are you, bro? I'm, like, halfway through this movie and I still haven't heard back from you. You better get over soon to see the end, 'cause I'm not rewinding it for you. You missed the best part, when the naked babes "do it" with each other (nice!!!). But the music during that part was way cheesy. They should've played some rap—gangsta style! And when that's over, there's a bunch of story stuff, with all the characters sitting around talking about their feelings, and we're supposed to care about them or something. I hate it when people talk about their feelings in movies. You'll never see that in a Michael Bay movie. (Transformers, dude!) Anyway, all these story parts have to do with the hot girl from the beginning being sold into a life of slavery. Hey, I heard that's what Hostel 2 will be about. Man, I can't wait until my stupid stepbrother buys that DVD so I can steal it from him and watch it. It's gonna be HARDCORE!!!



From: Ernie, [ern35227@coolninja.com]
Sent: Tuesday, May 8, 2007, 8:16 p.m.
To: Gerry Takaguchi, [tak89894@chicksdigme.com]
Subject: Whoa!


That was a close one, dude. My dad and my stepmom came home and almost caught me watching this movie. But they just said something about having to take their glaucoma medicine, and they've gone into their bedroom and shut the door, so I was able to finish watching it.

So the hot babe in this movie has been abducted by this old lady—and I'm talking really old, as in she's in her 40s!—and a guy who looks a little bit like Screech from Saved by the Bell. Too bad there's no dirty sanchez action in this movie. That'd be suh-weet! He was having sex with the girl and then started crying and had to stop. That's never gonna happen to me, man. I'm gonna be a super stud!

Then the old lady announces that she and Screech are going to torture the girl. Yeah, torture! Just like on 24, bay-bee! But once it starts, there are these blue lights all over the place that make it hard to see what's going on. Weak! Even worse, at the end I think we're supposed to feel all sad with our feelings about what happened. Yeah, these people do nothing but sit around and have sex all day long and I'm supposed to feel sad for them? Whatever.

This DVD comes with an interview with "Jess Franco," and I thought, "Cool, that guy from Spider-Man." But this was some other guy, a movie director who's supposed to be famous or something. He goes on and on about how it's so important that his movie have a story. It was funny when he called one of his actresses "stupid," though, even if he looks like a hobbit.



From: Ernie, [ern35227@coolninja.com]
Sent: Tuesday, May 8, 2007, 10:22 p.m.
To: Gerry Takaguchi, [tak89894@chicksdigme.com]
Subject: Sh'yeah right


OK, one more e-mail tonight before I crash. I wish I knew where you ran off to tonight. If I find out you're the one who took my copy of Urban Chaos, you're in for a beat-down. I looked up this movie on a site called DVD Verdict, where all the writers think they're lawyers or something. Check what this one dork wrote about it:

"Impatient viewers hoping to get directly to the good stuff might be frustrated by the slow, relaxed pace of this one. But if you like erotica that's made the old-fashioned way, with a lot of soft focus shots, slow building tension, and kinkiness that's not too kinky, then check out The Sexual Story of O."

And if you think that's lame, check out this part:

"The visuals on this DVD are remarkably good, with no scratches or grain to be seen. Yes, many scenes have an overly soft look to them, but that's likely intentional on the director's part. The 2.0 mono is unimpressive, coming across as flat and sometimes tinny."

I want some of what that dude's smokin'!

We should go to the mall on Saturday and try to pick up girls. I'm gonna wear my camouflage pants and my Punisher skull t-shirt. No babe will be able to resist me! And hey, maybe after writing about this movie all night, I should become a film critic. Nah, just kidding. I'm gonna go into politics.


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Scales of Justice

Judgment: 65

Perp Profile

Studio: Severin Films
Video Formats:
• 2.35:1 Anamorphic
Audio Formats:
• Dolby Digital 2.0 Mono (Slovene)
• English
Running Time: 92 Minutes
Release Year: 1984
MPAA Rating: Not Rated
• Erotic
• Exploitation
• Foreign

Distinguishing Marks

• Interview with Director Jess Franco


• IMDb
• About This Review

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