A serIAL KIDDer IS on THE LooSE
From the "did we really need to have this?" file is Trimark Home Video and Rhino Pictures' Shriek If You Know What I Did Last Friday The 13th. Like the similarly themed parody, Scary Movie, Shriek If You Know What I Did Last Friday The 13th is a takeoff of Wes Craven's postmodern horror classic, Scream and the sub-genre of movies it spawned.
Thankfully presented by Trimark in bare bones fashion, a root canal is more entertaining than Shriek If You Know What I Did Last Friday The 13th.
Facts of the Case
A masked killer is stalking Bulimia Falls High School where almost all the students have deep, dark and dirty secrets hidden from the light of day. Secrets that will carry them all through a movie full of dumb sight gags, sexually laced word plays and meaningless cameos by actors desperate for work. If you think you have seen all this before; you have.
Be afraid. Be very, very afraid.
This is the part of the review where we normally discuss the good things about the movie. Well,…
At a running time of 86 minutes Shriek If You Know What I Did Last Friday The 13th ended fairly quickly.
The Rebuttal Witnesses
Watching, or in this case, enduring Shriek If You Know What I Did Last Friday The 13th I was reminded of an old Star Trek related joke about how Klingons are these nasty guys who are so gross that they would gladly fart in an airlock. Let us just say that Shriek If You Know What I Did Last Friday The 13th stinks a whole lot worse.
Film parody is a tough nut to crack. The best of the bunch, movies like Airplane! or Top Secret! tackle films that took themselves way too seriously and are ripe for being poked fun at. Lesser film parodies such as Spaceballs and Scary Movie have a tougher road to walk down because they are making fun of movies that are themselves twists of a specific genre. The only hope for movies like these is that they can out-joke their source material with something fresh or off-the-wall. The secondary tack used is a joke-a-minute style of filmmaking where the viewer is subject to an onslaught of jokes and of funny stuff in the hopes that something will be amusing until another bit connects. After 86 minutes of sitting through Shriek If You Know What I Did Last Friday The 13th, I am sorry to report that I did not laugh once. Upon further review I do think I might have smirked twice but it may well have been gas from the burrito I had for dinner.
Directed by John Blanchard, who is a veteran of "The Kids In The Hall" and "SCTV," the movie moves quickly enough but never gets up the nerve to go all the way. Neither funny or scary; Shriek If You Know What I Did Last Friday The 13th just kind of lies there, blandly moving forward until it is time for it to end.
For a movie making fun of the first postmodern horror film (unless you count Wes Craven's New Nightmare), Shriek If You Know What I Did Last Friday The 13th commits several cardinal sins. First of all, there is not an ounce of gratuitous nudity. Believe me, with a movie that had Julie Benz ( Darla on "Angel") as the high school slut, ole Daddy here wanted to see a little T&A action. None was to be seen. That is zilch, nada. Depressing. Second, there was no gratuitous violence or gore. No, I'm not forgetting the exploding head, but it looked too much like a watermelon that was full of catsup to be taken even half way seriously. I mean, come on…we are making fun of teenage slasher films here. Let's break out the guts! Third and finally, the biggest sin that Shriek If You Know What I Did Last Friday The 13th perpetuates upon humanity is its total and complete lack of humor. It's just not funny. Ever. Instead of laughs, we get desperation. You can almost see the sweat on the brow of all the has-beens and late greats whose 15 minutes expired a long time ago. Rose "Where Is Morey Amsterdam and Dick van Dyke when I need them?" Marie shows up as a substitute teacher. Not funny. Coolio as the principal who worships The Artist Formerly Known as Prince who also has a taste for hot tubs and blow up dolls. Really not funny. Shirley Jones as a kinky high school nurse. Sick and twisted but still not funny. Tiffani-Amber Theissen as the hot shot empTV reporter (get it)? Again not funny and again-no damn T&A! Last and certainly least, Tom Arnold as the prime suspect slash campus security guard. Okay, if my two smirks were not gas from the burrito then Tom Arnold got them. Being completely honest I do think those smirks might not have come from the movie but more from my thinking about Tom Arnold and Roseanne having sex. What can I say? I'm sick. The more I think about that visual the sicker I get. I'm going to the bathroom now.
I'm back and believe me throwing up was more fun than Shriek If You Know What I Did Last Friday The 13th.
Speaking of visuals, Trimark gives us a non-anamorphic picture for Shriek If You Know What I Did Last Friday The 13th that maintains its aspect ratio of 1.85:1. It's a clean picture that is free of most flaws. Colors look about right and there is little in the way of edge enhancement or pixel breakup. Sound is Dolby 2.0 Surround and yes, you can clearly make out all the stupid dialogue. Thanks for nothing Trimark.
Speaking of nothing, the extras—make that extra—is the movie's trailer. I was kind of let down by the lack of a commentary track because it just had to be funnier then the movie proper. Then again, maybe not.
Well, it's too bad David Manning works for Sony and not Trimark, because I'm sure he would find one or two good things to say about Shriek If You Know What I Did Last Friday The 13th. As for myself; I'm at a total loss.
Stay away from Shriek If You Know What I Did Last Friday The 13th. It is one of those movies that are so truly bad that I ended up resenting the 86 minutes it took from me. 86 minutes that I could have used to try and better mankind or at the very least paged through this month's issue of Playboy while watching cable news to get my fill of nudity and violence.
Guilty. Death is too easy a sentence for the makers of Shriek If You Know What I Did Last Friday The 13th. Instead they are confined to a cell where they are forced to watch truly terrible movies on VHS forever.
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