Facts of the Case
• "Terrance & Phillip in Not Without My Anus"
"Ah ha ha ha, that fart sounded like a ringing phone,
"It sure did, Phillip!"
"Oh wait, that is the phone."
Terrance and Phillip, the
Canadian television duo known for their flatulence, must travel to Iraq to
rescue Terrance's daughter, taken hostage by Saddam Hussein. Oh, and Scott's a
Grade: C. Terrance and Phillip, like The Simpsons'
Itchy and Scratchy, are best in small doses. Really small. In fact, the only
redeeming quality of this ep is Saddam's antics. He lies with a smile to
everyone's face, then stabs them in the back. Life imitates art. Fans reacted
poorly to the episode, which only aired once. Season One ended with a
cliffhanger, and this ep aired on April Fool's Day instead of the expected
"who is Cartman's father?" episode.
• "Cartman's Mom is Still a Dirty Slut"
"Hey, I thought of something! Uh, no, wait, that's
In the real second season opener, we
discover who Cartman's father is. But this only prompts the question—who
is Cartman's mother?
Grade: D. The announcer shtick is played out
within minutes, yet they keep flogging the dead horse of a joke. The drunken
barn dance just isn't funny. Um, yeah, nothing really else to say. Oh, the
ending? Two words: cop out!
"Boring. Boring. Gay.
Somebody's being intimate with the town's chickens.
Officer Barbrady's having problems solving the case because he's illiterate. He
takes a leave of absence and returns to grade school, and the kids are
deputized. Naturally, the power goes to Cartman's head. Respect his
Grade: B+. The main bestiality story just isn't very
funny. I mean, really, what's funny about sex with poultry? Everything
surrounding it, though, is pretty damn funny, like Mr. Garrison's teaching
methods ("Wrong, dumbass!"), the television news coverage of the
events, Barbrady's book report, and especially Cartman's forays into law
enforcement ("Poor people tend to live in clusters," he says to the
Cops film crew while responding to a domestic disturbance call at Kenny's
• "Ike's Wee Wee"
"The fireman is very
magical. If you rub his helmet, he spits in your eye."
little adopted Canadian brother, Ike, is going to have a bris. Chef's
description leads the guys to think that his penis is going to be cut off. Kyle
ships him to Nebraska, where he's mistaken for a trashcan. Meanwhile, Mr. Mackey
is fired, mmmkay, and descends into a drug-fueled spiral.
B+. There's tons of great quotable lines ("There's a time and place
for everything, and that place is college," "No, it's not ham, you fat
f***!"). Watching Mr. Mackey's tripping is great, especially considering
how quickly he backs down from his ironclad "drugs are bad, mmmkay"
message. It fails to be a great episode because, well, because I hate
Kyle's mom. Remember that song from the movie? My thoughts exactly.
• "Conjoined Fetus Lady"
"Hey! I get
quite disturbed when you call me that. You shouldn't make fun of foreigners. And
besides, I hate French people."
The South Park dodgeball team
goes to the world championships, thanks to Pip's repressed anger and other teams
forfeiting in their wake. Meanwhile, the town overcompensates for the school
nurse's "disability"—a dead fetus attached to her face.
Grade: B+. Okay, so how did Ms. Crabtree drive the schoolbus to China?
That's the sort of thing that makes South Park great. But, like other
episodes, the "A" story line is the least funny aspect.
• "The Mexican Staring Frog of Southern Sri Lanka"
"We have a terrific show for you today: we're gonna kill some elk,
and we're gonna kill some mountain goats. Now, the new law passed by Colorado
legislature, which Ned and I call 'Pussy Law #4,' states that we can no longer
kill animals in defense. In other words, our old line of 'It's comin' right for
us' no longer works."
The kids get pissed off at Stan's Uncle
Jimbo for telling them unbelievable stories about his experiences in Vietnam.
So, they prank him by sending in faked videos of the Mexican Staring Frog of
Southern Sri Lanka, a hideous creature that puts you in a coma just by making
eye contact. Jimbo's show becomes a raging success, forcing South Park's other
public access show, "Jesus and Pals," to retool its format.
Grade: A-. As sacrilegious as it may seem to some, I've always loved that
Jesus Christ (yes, that Jesus Christ) lived in South Park and ran a
call-in cable access talk show. His reactions to his producer's attempts to turn
his show into a Jerry Springer-esque freak parade are some of the funniest
material in this season. The kids' videotaped frog segments are hilarious,
especially Cartman dressed as an old lady. And while I didn't use it for the
pull quote above, this episode has one of my all-time favorite lines from the
show: "We have to kill these animals, or else they'll die!"
• "City on the Edge of Forever"
AND SHUT UP! I SAID 'QUIET,' OR ELSE I KILL THE BUNNY!"
The disc lists this episode's title as "Flashbacks," but it was
originally broadcast with the cribbed-from-Star Trek title above.) The
kids are trapped on the school bus during an avalanche and spend their time
reminiscing about their adventures. Only problem is, their memories aren't very
Grade: B-. Clip show suck, unless you're The Simpsons,
and this isn't The Simpsons. But at least Trey Parker and Matt Stone
deserve props for making the clips more or less entirely different than how they
originally aired, and everyone gets ice cream!
• "Summer Sucks"
"Hey! If you so much as
touch Kitty's ass, I'll put firecrackers in your nutsack and blow your balls out
all over your panties!"
At least summer sucks without fireworks
(except snakes), which the boys have played with since they were just wee lads.
But, the Mayor solves that dilemma by commissioning the largest snake in the
world. Meanwhile, Cartman takes swimming lessons with first graders who pee in
the pool, Uncle Jimbo travels to Mexico to buy illegal fireworks, and Mr.
Garrison loses Mr. Hat and must come to terms with his sexuality.
B-. First-graders peeing in the pool: great. Mr. Garrison not accepting
that he's gay: great. The flashback to the boys as toddlers: priceless. The
little man in the boat: better than priceless. The snake "A" plot:
lame. There seems to be a trend here.
• "Chef's Chocolate Salty Balls"
not gonna show that stupid-ass Godzilla movie again, are
"No no, Kyle. These are independent films."
"Oh, like Independence Day? That sucked
"No, dude, independent films are those black and
white hippie movies. They're always about gay cowboys eating
The Sundance Film Festival outgrows Utah and moves to
South Park. The boys learn the pain of watching independent films, and Mr.
Hankey makes a poo-fueled comeback.
Grade: B-. The send-up of
pretentious indie films is well deserved, but an entire episode revolving around
Mr. Hankey's health and well being? Sorry, that just stretches an already thin
character to the breaking point. Give me Towelie any day.
"We don't have a Nintendo.
We got a ColecoVision hooked up to the black-and-white TV."
my God. This is like a third-world country."
The boys' moms dupe
them into getting chickenpox from Kenny. When they find out that it's a form of
herpes, they retaliate by giving their parent the real thing.
C+. While the "Kenny is poor" jokes never get old, and Kyle's
dose of Nietzschian philosophy earns a few uncomfortable chuckles, what's funny
• "Roger Ebert Should Lay off the Fatty Foods"
"Okay, children, now I'm going to remind you that this is a planetarium,
not a Bangkok brothel. Let's behave ourselves."
Strange deeds are
afoot at the planetarium, and it's up to the kids to save the town. All the kids
except Cartman, who's too busy auditioning to sing the Cheesy Poofs theme song
in a commercial.
Grade: A-. How can you go wrong with that title,
which has precious little to do with the episode? The episode is one big parody
of a Star Trek episode, which makes it even better. And who knew that you
could use haiku to insult people?
"You men are all alike!
First you get a cookie and then you criticize the way I dress and then it's the
way I cook! I suppose next you'll be telling me that you need your space and
that I'm sabotaging your creativity! Go ahead, Stanley. Get your goddamn
The boys discover the time-honored tradition of Truth or
Dare, and Stan's parents have marital problems.
Grade: C+. Other
than the Ewok Village 2000 and the '90s version of Fat Albert, not a lot
going for it.
• "Cow Days"
"Tom and Mary, put on your
cowboy hats, because you're going to beautiful South Park, Colorado! That's
right, just in time for Cows Days, the world's 45th biggest rodeo and carnival.
Every fall, South Park celebrates Cow Days, and you're gonna be a part of it.
You'll stay at the spectacular Super 7 hotel on Bernhardt Road, and enjoy
festivities, including prizes, rides, and of course, the world-famous Running of
the Cows! Congratulations, Tom and Mary."
The kids fight a
crooked carney booth, Cartman's bull riding fall turns him into a Vietnamese
prostitute straight out of Full Metal
Jacket, and the cows find religion. Dare you enter the Chamber of Farts?
Grade: B+. Someone would declare shenanigans if I didn't give this
episode at least a B.
• "Chef Aid"
"Ladies and gentlemen, I am
not making any sense! None of this makes sense! And so you have to remember,
when you're in that jury room deliberatin' and conjugatin' the Emancipation
Proclamation, does it make sense? No! Ladies and gentlemen of this supposed
jury, it does NOT MAKE SENSE! If Chewbacca lives on Endor, you must acquit! The
Alanis Morisette's latest hit is a rip-off of one
Chef wrote during his rock 'n' roll days. So, of course, he finds himself sued
by the music industry and the kids must raise money for his legal defense.
Grade: B+. The episode is little more than an excuse to parade out a long
line of B-level rock dignitaries, everyone from Rick James to Primus, but that's
not necessarily a bad thing.
"So you just built your
store on top of an Indian burial ground?"
"Oh, hell no! First I
dug up all the bodies, pissed on 'em, then buried them again upside
"Why? I don't know. I was
Stan's mom's Aunt Flo buys him a goldfish from Indian
Burial Ground Pet Store. It's from an evil parallel universe and begins killing
people. Other residents of the parallel universe invade South Park as well.
Grade: A+. If it weren't for "Gnomes," "Spooky
Fish" would be the best episode of the season. There's not a sour note
here, from the endless persecution of Barbra Streisand, to the boys from the
parallel universe having goatees (like Spock in the classic Star Trek
episode "Mirror, Mirror"), to the conceit of the murderous goldfish.
There's even the old-fashioned seam down the middle of the screen when both
Cartmans are seen together. Best Scene Award goes to Stan and Kyle walking down
the sidewalk with Evil Cartman. Some evil ducks peck a guy to death. The kids
stop to watch, then when it's over, start walking again like it was the most
normal thing ever. This episode is just hella cool.
• "Merry Christmas Charlie Manson"
is Robert Pooner reporting live from Nebraska, where escaped convict Charlie
Manson has walled himself up in a house. We understand that there are hostages,
and that the situation is critical, so we would like to remind you all that this
live hostage crisis is being brought to you by Palmoral Sun Block. Remember, if
it isn't Palmoral, you're gonna get cancer."
escapes from prison and visits Cartman's grandmother's house while the boys are
staying there for the holidays. Hilarity ensues.
Grade: D. Okay, so
hilarity does not ensue. I really don't care for this episode much, other than
the South Park version of It's A Wonderful Life with
Jimmy Stewart calling Mr. Potter "a little bitch." Probably would've
been funnier with Jeffrey Dahmer.
"Damn, dude, this place is
"Yeah, it's almost as big as Cartman's ass."
"No it's not, you guys!"
The kids learn all about big
corporations from the Underpants Gnomes. Step One: Collect underpants. Step
Two:…Step Three: Profit!
Grade: A+. This is my
second-favorite episode of the entire series, behind Season Seven's "Casa
Bonita." Why? Because of the gnomes' three-step business plan, which
reminds me of most of the dot-com business plans. Because it features Tweek, one
of my favorite of the ancillary kids. Because it ably demonstrates that big
corporations are a necessary part of modern economics. Because it's just damn
funny. You're the pussy, pussy!
• "Prehistoric Ice Man"
"As you can see,
the ice man is listening to Ace of Base, which was a very popular group during
his era, and primitive drummings soothed his people's tempers."
The kids find a man frozen in a block of ice. Resident Mad Scientist Mephisto
dates him all the way back to 1996. The boys feel sorry for him and try to
release him back into the wild, but it's hard for a man who has been frozen for
three years to readjust to normal life.
Grade: B-. You wouldn't
think that Encino Man could be mined to
comedic effect, but leave it to South Park to pull it off. While not the
funniest episode ever, it gets props for recreating the ice man's habitat,
including Super Bowl tapes, a Fargo movie
poster, and, of course, Ace of Base.