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Case Number 11688: Small Claims Court

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Splatter Farm

Camp Motion Pictures // 1987 // 66 Minutes // Not Rated
Reviewed by Judge David Johnson // July 13th, 2007

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All Rise...

Judge David Johnson buys all of his whole milk from Splatter Farm (proudly owned and operated by Mr. and Mrs. Ronald J. Splatter).

The Charge

What happens when two bored twin brothers gain access to a camcorder and a gift certificate to the local meat counter? Magic!

The Case

From powerhouse fraternal directorial team, Mark and John Polonia, comes their greatest achievement in home video: Splatter Farm!

Splatter Farm, where the only thing milked is the use of calf's liver to replicate the human colon!

Splatter Farm, where water pistols firing Karo syrup on the walls equals an arterial spray!

Splatter Farm, where senile old ladies are stabbed in the genitals!

Splatter Farm, where the tortured horror fantasies of two awkward-looking teenage boys is brought to hideous life!

Yes, Splatter Farm, the infamous hour-long from the forgotten time of 1987, has finally seen a DVD release. Clamored for by at least three people, Splatter Farm is unleashed in all of its gore-soaked glory.

Splatter Farm!
Splatter Farm!
Splatter Farm!

This film, which I like to call Splatter Farm, tells the story of two brothers (played by Mark and John Polonia who just happened to direct—Splatter Farm!!!) who journey upstate to visit their widowed aunt and her mentally unbalanced (Splatter) farmhand Jeremy. They were just looking to relax, but neither brother anticipated that they'd be spending their vacation at a…Splatter Farm! No, they just thought it would be a normal farm, without the Splatter, but you see, this is where they were wrong.

Dead wrong.

Behind the innocent façade of a typical agro-oriented farming complex, unspeakable acts of incest, murder, amputation, necrophilia and bad acting occur at the Splatter Farm.

Watch!As Jeremy hacks apart something that sort of looks like a person!
Shriek!At the sight of Jeremy decapitating someone with a sickle!
Vomit! As one of the brothers is tied up naked to a post and sodomized and urinated on!

Oh, there's so much evil going down at the Splatter Farm. So much suffering! So much bloodshed! And so much talking! Oh, the talking! The talking never ends at the Splatter Farm! The brothers talk to themselves. The brothers talk to their aunt. The aunt talks to her decomposed husband. The aunt talks to Jeremy. Jeremy talks to himself. You'll talk to the film and demand less talking. This is Splatter Farm! Not Talking Farm! Or Garrulousness Farm!

S is for "scrotum," which made a presence in one scene!
P is for "pork butt," which stood in for the human spleen!
L is for "lavish," a word that you can't use to describe what's on-screen!
A is for "acting," worse craft I have rarely seen!
T is for "teen," because it rhymes with seen!
T is for "terrifying," the fact that films like this get a DVD release is a testament to the fact that the crappy horror movie catalog is getting lean!
E is for "eugenics," on second thought that idea was keen!
R is for "retch" (that home-made colonoscopy bit turned my face green!)

F is for "full frame," a low-quality transfer lacking any kind of sheen!
A is for "alright, enough already," the copious amount of unearthed 8mm short films passing off as extras bordered on obscene!
R is for "retardation," methinks that someone involved with this film may be lacking a gene!
M is for "mangled septic line" because this disc is bound for the latrine!

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Scales of Justice

Judgment: 50

Perp Profile

Studio: Camp Motion Pictures
Video Formats:
• Full Frame
Audio Formats:
• Dolby Digital 2.0 Stereo (English)
Subtitles:
• None
Running Time: 66 Minutes
Release Year: 1987
MPAA Rating: Not Rated
Genres:
• Bad
• Cult
• Horror

Distinguishing Marks

• Directors' Commentary
• 8MM Short Films
• Trailers

Accomplices

• IMDb








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