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Case Number 14613: Small Claims Court

Buy Stag: Topless Treasures Uncensored at Amazon

Stag: Topless Treasures Uncensored

American TV Distribution // 2008 // 60 Minutes // Not Rated
Reviewed by Judge Ian Visser (Retired) // September 26th, 2008

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All Rise...

Judge Ian Visser trusts you, but he worries about your no-good friends.

The Charge

Ugh.

The Case

And I mean ugh. There have only been a couple of times during my tenure here at the Verdict when the materials I've reviewed have been so bad that they actually make me feel dirty. Women's Extreme Wrestling, Vol. 6 was one of these, a sleazy display of T&A disguised as "sport" which existed only to rope viewers into paying for X-rated online content. STAG: Topless Treasures Uncensored falls into this same category. Despite the promise of eye candy and cheap thrills, there is nothing erotic or titillating about the experience, unless wasting your time and money gives you a buzz.

Host Tommy Habeeb (who made his "name" off of the low-budget fare of television's Cheaters) provides viewers with an inside look at bachelor parties and the drunken frat boys/man-children who participate in them. The hook here is that Tommy is actually trying to "help" young couples by showing them the tenuous nature of love and how challenging marriage can be. This could be demonstrated many ways, but Habeeb is the kind of guy who fuels his lessons with an endless supply of Bud Light and cheap strippers.

Each of the two episodes of STAG works in the same way. We meet a couple on the verge of marriage who profess their love for one another and their commitment to spend their remaining days together in holy matrimony. The fellow is then whisked away by his friends for a night of drinking and clubbing, culminating with an in-room frolic with strippers in a low-budget hotel room. Shots will be drunken, whipped cream will be sprayed, and the word "bro" will be uttered hundreds of times, usually paired with high-fives.

Back at the home/apartment/trailer of the couple, Habeeb reveals the footage to the young lady, who inevitably freaks out and pummels on the hung-over guy while questioning his fidelity and manhood. Habeeb helpfully pursues the couple through the home, instigating both parties into further confrontation and recording the tears as they fall. Habeeb then solemnly urges the couple to look deep inside one another to find the love that still resides in their hearts, then packages the whole thing, sells it on pay-per-view, and runs to the bank.

Topless Treasures is an uncensored version of the same syndicated television show that airs with the naughty bits and bad language edited for content. That being said, there is almost nothing here that could be considered titillating or erotic. The ladies go topless during their routines and there is plenty of grinding and squirming, but there is a pale of sleaze that resides over the entire affair. The strip clubs look dirty, the hotel rooms and bars are cheap, and you can almost see the strippers counting the seconds until they can finally go home.

STAG: A Test of Love is shot on hand-held digital video and looks it. The image is flat and colorless and there is little effort made to make it anything more than passable. Audio is in the same vein; the irritating dance music and inane dialogue can easily be heard, but that's about it.

The only extras here are trailers for more of the same.

Watching an hour of this garbage made me feel like the only sober guy in a room full of date rapists. I imagine the only people willing to pay for this are those who are already sitting home drunk, too easily seduced by the "sexy" commercials playing on late-night television. Don't be that guy.

Guilty.

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Scales of Justice

Judgment: 15

Perp Profile

Studio: American TV Distribution
Video Formats:
• Full Frame
Audio Formats:
• Dolby Digital 2.0 Stereo (English)
Subtitles:
• None
Running Time: 60 Minutes
Release Year: 2008
MPAA Rating: Not Rated
Genres:
• Bad
• Exploitation
• Reality TV
• Television

Distinguishing Marks

• Trailers

Accomplices

• Wikipedia: STAG
• Official Site
• 2004 Press Release








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