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Case Number 27003: Small Claims Court

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Stonados

Arc Entertainment // 2013 // 88 Minutes // Not Rated
Reviewed by Judge David Johnson // February 21st, 2014

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All Rise...

Judge David Johnson likes his stonados with salsa and pepperjack cheese.

The Charge

A stone's throw to disaster.

The Case

What does it say about these direct-to-TV disaster movies that the taglines—as lame as they are—have become the most entertaining part of the production? It says plenty, my friend. Plenty.

With Stonados (that would be "stones + tornados"), the disaster du jour is a series of monster cyclones that have been breaking out all across the world. But what makes these twisters to deadly and diabolical is the crapload of exploding boulders that they fire out from the funnel clouds. That's right: exploding boulders, mofos. Not only do these gigantic rocks liquefy any hapless passerby who gets blasted by one, but they also explode, sending heat and debris into the faces of anyone within twenty feet.

The last best hope mankind in general and Boston in particular has is a dour scientist and a short smarmy weatherman. As they scramble across Boston, pleading for people to run away from the obviously huge and devastating tornado that's about to destroy their city, they simultaneously search desperately for loved ones and attempt to crack the science behind the stonados.

How does all that sound to you? Because it's pretty much what you're getting. The worst thing about Stonados—besides "everything"—is that it takes itself so seriously. Pretty much the only thing that salvages these films is the sense of humor. I'm not talking about something so self-aware and forced like Sharknado; just give me a light touch, an inkling that you know how ridiculous all of this is.

But no, everyone involved with Stonados thinks this is deadly serious stuff, you know what with the exploding tornado rocks and all, so I suppose we have to measure it as a legit sci-fi actioner. Which of course is a waste of everyone's time, because there's no way it can compete.

The visual effects are predictably rough. Tornados are rendered as a mass of fuzzy data and the boulders they throw out fare even worse, looking sort of like roundish, grayish gobs of pixilated goo. However, I do think a few of them are done practically, so credit for that.

That's it. There's nothing else to see here. A random passerby getting smashed into oblivion by a CGI boulder (no gore) and nearby Boston receiving the business end of the Stonado is about all that's going for this production.

Not much going with the DVD: 1.78:1 anamorphic widescreen, 5.1 Dolby Digital, no extras.

The Verdict

You say "stonados," I say "this movie blows."

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Scales of Justice

Judgment: 60

Perp Profile

Studio: Arc Entertainment
Video Formats:
• 1.78:1 Anamorphic
Audio Formats:
• Dolby Digital 5.1 Surround (English)
Subtitles:
• English (CC)
Running Time: 88 Minutes
Release Year: 2013
MPAA Rating: Not Rated
Genres:
• Action
• Science Fiction
• Television

Distinguishing Marks

• None

Accomplices

• IMDb








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