These were the first DVDs Judge David Johnson ever reviewed that smelled like strawberries—or anything other than fermenting industrial glue, for that matter.
Our review of Strawberry Shortcake: Berrywood Here We Come, published September 19th, 2010, is also available.
The following excerpts come from The Torta, the Holy Scriptures of Strawberryland.
"Meet Strawberry Shortcake"
(1)And lo did Strawberry Shortcake descend from the mountains of Golgadermesh, and bring with her companions, Pupcake and Custard. (2) Within her strawberry-shaped house, she prepared a birthday party for her sisters Apple Dumpling, and it was indeed the first ever party she was tasked to prepare. (3) So then did Strawberry Shortcake depart from Strawberryland, with her dog, her cat, and her sister, to find materials for her celebration, (4) and to the lands of Cookie Corners where the legendary machine that is said to generate cookies through magic did she journey, and to the rivers running with batter and to the Forest of Everlasting Woe.
(5) While Strawberry Shortcake searches these lands, lo does she meets new friends: (6) Orange Blossom, daughter of Cherry Flower, son of Mango Sprout, son of Avocado Marigold; Angel Cake, daughter of Cherub Pie, son of Wingy-Dingy Ding-Dong; and Ginger Snap, daughter of Cinnamon Crackle, son of Nutmeg Pop. (7) Lo did these friends delight in the company of Strawberry Shortcake and they helped her find the necessary elements for a birthday party. (8) Even the fabled horse, Honey Pie Pony, made herself known to Strawberry Shortcake, fulfilling the prophecy foretold long ago: (9) "And when the talking horse shall meet the auburn one, there will be much fear and trembling, and weeping and gnashing of teeth, and the Destroyer, the one who will bring vengeance and death from above and the blood of the infidels will run hip-deep in the streets, will celebrate her first day of birth with cookies."
"Get Well Adventure"
(5) The blessed horse, Honey Pie Pony did hurt her leg one day, thwarting her plans to journey to Marshmallow Marsh, and she was sad. (6) Strawberry Shortcake took her into her home and cared for her injury, though Honey Pie Pony was indeed sad. (7) Even when her other friends stopped over to cheer her up, Honey Pie Pony rebuked them. (8) What a bitch.
(9) Undeterred, Strawberry Shortcake and her friends decided to entertain the wounded horse, and regaled her with individual tales and songs. (10) Eventually, the blessed horse did improve her spirits, and thanks to the day of storytelling and music-making, she laid aside her grief and drank deep from her blessed feedbag.
"Spring for Strawberry Shortcake"
(11) In the time of King Hypoglycemia, Strawberryland fell under a cruse that delayed spring from arriving. (12) Though Strawberry Shortcake was ready to plant and water her strawberries and frolic with Pupcake and Custard in the warm breeze, it was not to be as the cold effects of winter still lingered in the air. (13) There was much lamentation from the Strawberrylandiatarians in those days. (14) Desperate for the warmth that spring would bring, Strawberry Shortcake, Orange Blossom, and Ginger Snap left on the holy quest to find Spring; (15) Spring has manifested in the form of a young girl (previous incarnations have been a wild boar, a unicorn, a two-headed platypus, and a Volkswagen Passat) and was uninterested in fulfilling her responsibilities.
(16) Lo did the fellowship discover Spring, busy making snow angels and not giving two holy craps about altering the seasonal weather patterns. (17) But some pleadings from Strawberry Shortcake convinced Spring to focus and clear out the winter air. (18) And the strawberries were planted. (19) And the animals did frolic.
"Adventures on Ice Cream Island"
(8) The blessed horse Honey Pie Pony is surprised to meet other horses of similar breeding on Ice Cream Island, the mythical place where hot fudge flows like milk and honey and milk and honey flows like seltzer and molasses. (9) Now with her brethren, she is faced with a difficult choice, to stay with the horses and grow large and fat off of sugar cones or return to Strawberryland with her human friends—lo was it a hard choice. (10) But following a disaster where the lives of Strawberry Shortcake and her friends were nearly ended, the blessed horse decided to stay with them, recognizing they were wholly incapable of surviving day-to-day life without the assistance of a talking horse with a perm.
(16) While running through the pasture, the blessed horse Honey Pie Pony is spotted by a sinful show horse owner, who looks to kidnap her and force her to perform degrading acts of athleticism in front of paying customers. (17) Forlorn, the blessed horse resigns herself to languish in the custody of her captor. (18) But, inspired by her missing friend and riding a righteous sugar high, Strawberry Shortcake springs a trap to smite the show horse owner and retrieve the blessed horse.
"Best Pets Yet"
(3) Strawberry Shortcake thinks about when she first adopted Pupcake, during a time when Strawberryland was…well…still full of strawberries as usual…lo!!! (4) Custard, the talking cat, was at first resistant to the idea of a new pet. (5) Yet Strawberry Shortcake was so smitten with Pupcake, Custard's complaints went unheeded. (6) Custard and Pupcake would eventually grow fond of each other and no one would care.
(9) During the time of the Great Strawberryland Pet Competition, the sinful Peppermint Fizz conspired to cheat so that her beloved Cola Chameleon would win the contest. (10) Yet to her chagrin, the sinful Peppermint Fizz would discover that the competition is not actually something that can be won. (11) And lo did all the children and their pets laugh with glee at their collective mediocrity.
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