All Rise...

Judge David Johnson was a teenage mother...a long, long time ago.

Editor's Note

Our review of Female Animal / Teenage Mother, published September 4th, 2009, is also available.

The Charge

Nobody does it like the teenagers.

The Case

Two incoherent teen-themed movies from days long gone, grouped together under the label of "Exploitation Cinema," despite the relative tameness of the content…save for one notable exception.

Teenage Graffiti (1977)
I'm going to try my best with a synopsis here, but I have to say: this was about the most nonsensical thing I've ever seen. And that's not hyperbole. Watching this movie, I honestly felt my brain die just a little bit, as it struggled to process what was happening onscreen.

As far as I can tell, the story centers around a few brothers who live on a farm. At least one of them is graduating and the question of who gets the property is creating rifts in their relationship. Meanwhile, there's a rich MILF relationship, a tall redhead disrobes fairly frequently, and one too many scenes of teenage brothers wrestling in a creek.

Yeah, as far as entertainment value goes, there's next to nothing. Maybe if you squint real hard and apply all your cognitive willpower towards trying your best to enjoy yourself, pointing and laughing at the godforsaken acting, there's the slightest chance you won't want to drive a pool cue into your neck.

Teenage Mother (1967)
How do you shake up a prudish school faculty? Hire yourself a Swedish Sex-Ed teacher who's convinced it's time to give the kids the full treatment. One girl fails to pay close enough attention to the lesson plan, one thing leads to another, and…BAMMO! It's time for real footage of a live birth! Also, Fred Willard is in this.

Aside from the antiquated spectacle of sex education's political fallout, and the preachy tone of the film itself, we're blessed with the aforementioned birth scene, intimate and uncompromising in its gooiness. Enjoy!

The DVD: surprisingly clean widescreen transfers and mono audio tracks for both films, an MST3K-like commentary on Teenage Mother that's not that funny, and a handful of vintage trailers.

The Verdict

There just isn't enough going on here to recommend. Guilty.

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