Appellate Judge Rob Lineberger gets mellow with the Teletubbies.
SETTING: BOONE, N.C. EAST RESIDENCE HALL AT APPALACHIAN STATE
UNIVERSITY, BASEMENT. SEVERAL OLD COUCHES ARE LOOSELY ARRANGED IN A SEMICIRCLE OVER A THREADBARE, YELLOW RUG. A HAZE OF GREENISH SMOKE DRIFTS LAZILY IN FRONT OF A LARGE TELEVISION SCREEN. STUDENTS RELAX IN THE COUCHES AND ON THE FLOOR IN FRONT OF THE TELEVISION.
ON THE SCREEN IS A VERDANT LANDSCAPE WITH BUNNIES AND PLASTIC FLOWERS.
Pui Fan Lee…PO
Jessica Smith…RA, THE SUN GOD
Tim Whitnall…TV NARRATOR
CHORUS MEMBER: Dudes, it's about to start.
MATT: Okay, shut up, here's Ra.
[The sky slowly brightens as Ra, in the guise of a human baby, ascends to his throne in the sky. He laughs enigmatically to himself and beats down on the Teletubbiesâ hovel with his intense rays.]
CHORUS: Ra! Ra! Ra!
SPENCER: All hail the Sun God, man.
SKIP: I can feel myself tanning.
TV NARRATOR: Over the hills and far away Teletubbies come to play.
MATT: I bet Robert Plant is pissed. You know, like he forms this great band and writes this great song…
CHORUS: "Hey lady—you've got the love I need
MATT:…And these chubby muthas come in stealing his lyrics.
SPENCER: No way, man, Plant digs this. I bet he's lighting up a big fat one right now.
SKIP: You know what this show needs? Get rid of those bunnies, man, and put the naked chicks from Houses of the Holy on that grass.
SPENCER: Dipsy needs some love.
MATT [high-pitched English voice]: Dipsy love chicks!
SPENCER [baritone English voice]: Tinky-Winky love Dipsy.
[Teletubbies begin to spurt out of the top of the green, astroturf hobbit hole.]
TV NARRATOR: One…
CHORUS [chanting]: Tinky-Winky!
CHORUS [chanting]: Po!
CHORUS [chanting]: Dipsy!
TV NARRATOR:…four. Teletubbies.
CHORUS [shouting]: Laa-Laa!
TV NARRATOR and CHORUS (together): Time for Teletubbies! Time for Teletubbies! Time for Teletubbies! Time for Teletubbies!
SKIP: Man, I wonder if there will be, like, a big funnel cloud that'll take the Teletubbies away to this magical place, man. Cause, like, it never rains there.
MATT: Dude, that's The Wizard of Oz. Anyway, they live in the Earth. No funnel cloud's gonna rip that mutha up.
SPENCER: [ponders a moment] You know, Tinky-Winky is the tallest. But if you count his dipstick, Dipsy is actually taller.
SKIP: Yeah, man. But if Laa-Laa would unkink that squiggle on her head, she'd be the tallest.
SPENCER: Who cares, man, Po is a hottie.
[The pallor of green smoke in the room intensifies. A giant pinwheel erupts from the ground and begins spewing out magical swirls at the Teletubbies, who collapse on the ground.]
SKIP: Look out, Man! You're under attack!
SPENCER: Whoa, that magic dust just laid them out.
MATT: Why doesn't Ra protect them, man? He's a cruel god.
[The tummies of the Teletubbies begin to glow in sequence. Everyone falls silent and stares at the screen.]
SPENCER: Is anyone else feeling…hungry right now?
CHORUS: Yeah, man.
SKIP: Right on.
MATT: Hey freshie, order us, like, ten pizzas.
[Po's tummy shows children pointing at the Teletubbies while saying "Hello, Hello, Hello." A woman takes the children through a Yoga routine.]
SPENCER: I wonder if Dipsy's dipstick ever, you know, gets stuck in Po's red circle?
SKIP: Right on.
[The yoga lesson finishes and the Teletubbies say "ohhhhhh." They
chant "Again, Again, Again"
SKIP: Hey, Matt, I don't want to talk junk about your supplier or anything, dude, but I'm like…regressing. I mean, shouldn't time move forward, man?
MATT: You dumbass, they're showing the same clip over again.
SKIP and SPENCER (in unison): Ohh! Thank God.
[Dark metallic flowers erupt from the landscape and send the Teletubbies scurrying into the shelter of their earthen mound.]
SKIP and SPENCER (in unison): Run, little Tubby dudes!
MATT: What the hell is that thing?
[Five red lights burn in sequence. Suddenly, frisbees of toast with burnt-in smiley faces rip aross the screen and impale themselves in the Teletubbies fur.]
MATT (annoyed): Hey freshie, where the hell are those pizzas, man?
SKIP: You know, Laa-Laa looks kinda like a bloated banana, but she ain't half bad.
MATT:…and put bananas on Skip's pizza.
SPENCER: No way, dude, Po is the hottie.
MATT: What the hell are these dudes saying, man? It sounds like "To be Laa-Laa toost."
SKIP: Why are the flowers talking, man? Who knows.
[Noo-Noo the vacuum droid slurps up the toast. Laa-Laa chases Noo-Noo and says "Naughty Noo-Noo!"]
SKIP: I don't know what to do with that image. I'm gonna have dreams about that.
SPENCER: Hey, I had this vision that we were all flowers, and Ra was like laughing at us. And then Dipsy came around and sprinkled us with a watering can. It gave me this strangely comfortable feeling, like we were part of the Earth.
TV NARRATOR: Time for Tubby Bye, Bye! Time for Tubby Bye, Bye! Time for Tubby Bye, Bye!
CHORUS (weakly): Bye, Teletubbies.
MATT: Save your energy, dudes, they say goodbye for like fifteen minutes.
TV NARRATOR: Bye Bye Tinky-Winky, Bye Bye Dipsy, Bye Bye Laa-Laa, Bye Bye Po.
[The Teletubbies shrink down into the hole on top of the mound.]
SKIP: Whoa, that's like, reverse ejaculation, man.
MATT: Do you think the hole shaves off all of their fur when then squirt down it like that?
TV NARRATOR: The sun is setting in the sky, Teletubbies say goodbye.
[The sky turns orange. Ra the sun god begins to creep down towards the horizon. He surveys his domain with cruel irony.]
SKIP (reverently): That is my favorite part, man.
[The pizzas arrive.]
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