All Rise...

Appellate Judge Rob Lineberger gets mellow with the Teletubbies.

The Case

SETTING: BOONE, N.C. EAST RESIDENCE HALL AT APPALACHIAN STATE

UNIVERSITY, BASEMENT. SEVERAL OLD COUCHES ARE LOOSELY ARRANGED IN A SEMICIRCLE OVER A THREADBARE, YELLOW RUG. A HAZE OF GREENISH SMOKE DRIFTS LAZILY IN FRONT OF A LARGE TELEVISION SCREEN. STUDENTS RELAX IN THE COUCHES AND ON THE FLOOR IN FRONT OF THE TELEVISION.

ON THE SCREEN IS A VERDANT LANDSCAPE WITH BUNNIES AND PLASTIC FLOWERS.

CAST:

John Simmit…DIPSY

Nikky Smedley…LAA-LAA

Pui Fan Lee…PO

Mark Heenehan…TINKY-WINKY

Jessica Smith…RA, THE SUN GOD

Tim Whitnall…TV NARRATOR

Also featuring:

N00-NOO

MATT

SKIP

SPENCER

CHORUS

CHORUS MEMBER: Dudes, it's about to start.

MATT: Okay, shut up, here's Ra.

[The sky slowly brightens as Ra, in the guise of a human baby, ascends to his throne in the sky. He laughs enigmatically to himself and beats down on the Teletubbiesâ hovel with his intense rays.]

CHORUS: Ra! Ra! Ra!

SPENCER: All hail the Sun God, man.

SKIP: I can feel myself tanning.

TV NARRATOR: Over the hills and far away Teletubbies come to play.

MATT: I bet Robert Plant is pissed. You know, like he forms this great band and writes this great song…

CHORUS: "Hey lady—you've got the love I need
Maybe, more than enough.
Oh Darling Darling Darling…"

MATT:…And these chubby muthas come in stealing his lyrics.

SPENCER: No way, man, Plant digs this. I bet he's lighting up a big fat one right now.

SKIP: You know what this show needs? Get rid of those bunnies, man, and put the naked chicks from Houses of the Holy on that grass.

SPENCER: Dipsy needs some love.

MATT [high-pitched English voice]: Dipsy love chicks!

SPENCER [baritone English voice]: Tinky-Winky love Dipsy.

CHORUS: Ehh-oh!

[Teletubbies begin to spurt out of the top of the green, astroturf hobbit hole.]

TV NARRATOR: One…

CHORUS [chanting]: Tinky-Winky!

TV NARRATOR:…two…

CHORUS [chanting]: Po!

TV NARRATOR:…three…

CHORUS [chanting]: Dipsy!

TV NARRATOR:…four. Teletubbies.

CHORUS [shouting]: Laa-Laa!

TV NARRATOR and CHORUS (together): Time for Teletubbies! Time for Teletubbies! Time for Teletubbies! Time for Teletubbies!

SKIP: Man, I wonder if there will be, like, a big funnel cloud that'll take the Teletubbies away to this magical place, man. Cause, like, it never rains there.

MATT: Dude, that's The Wizard of Oz. Anyway, they live in the Earth. No funnel cloud's gonna rip that mutha up.

SPENCER: [ponders a moment] You know, Tinky-Winky is the tallest. But if you count his dipstick, Dipsy is actually taller.

SKIP: Yeah, man. But if Laa-Laa would unkink that squiggle on her head, she'd be the tallest.

SPENCER: Who cares, man, Po is a hottie.

[The pallor of green smoke in the room intensifies. A giant pinwheel erupts from the ground and begins spewing out magical swirls at the Teletubbies, who collapse on the ground.]

SKIP: Look out, Man! You're under attack!

SPENCER: Whoa, that magic dust just laid them out.

CHORUS: [snickers]

MATT: Why doesn't Ra protect them, man? He's a cruel god.

[The tummies of the Teletubbies begin to glow in sequence. Everyone falls silent and stares at the screen.]

SPENCER: Is anyone else feeling…hungry right now?

CHORUS: Yeah, man.

SKIP: Right on.

MATT: Hey freshie, order us, like, ten pizzas.

[Po's tummy shows children pointing at the Teletubbies while saying "Hello, Hello, Hello." A woman takes the children through a Yoga routine.]

SPENCER: I wonder if Dipsy's dipstick ever, you know, gets stuck in Po's red circle?

SKIP: Right on.

[The yoga lesson finishes and the Teletubbies say "ohhhhhh." They chant "Again, Again, Again"
in unison. The clip plays a second time. Skip is deeply agitated.]

SKIP: Hey, Matt, I don't want to talk junk about your supplier or anything, dude, but I'm like…regressing. I mean, shouldn't time move forward, man?

MATT: You dumbass, they're showing the same clip over again.

SKIP and SPENCER (in unison): Ohh! Thank God.

[Dark metallic flowers erupt from the landscape and send the Teletubbies scurrying into the shelter of their earthen mound.]

SKIP and SPENCER (in unison): Run, little Tubby dudes!

MATT: What the hell is that thing?

[Five red lights burn in sequence. Suddenly, frisbees of toast with burnt-in smiley faces rip aross the screen and impale themselves in the Teletubbies fur.]

MATT (annoyed): Hey freshie, where the hell are those pizzas, man?

SKIP: You know, Laa-Laa looks kinda like a bloated banana, but she ain't half bad.

MATT:…and put bananas on Skip's pizza.

SPENCER: No way, dude, Po is the hottie.

MATT: What the hell are these dudes saying, man? It sounds like "To be Laa-Laa toost."

SKIP: Why are the flowers talking, man? Who knows.

[Noo-Noo the vacuum droid slurps up the toast. Laa-Laa chases Noo-Noo and says "Naughty Noo-Noo!"]

SKIP: I don't know what to do with that image. I'm gonna have dreams about that.

SPENCER: Hey, I had this vision that we were all flowers, and Ra was like laughing at us. And then Dipsy came around and sprinkled us with a watering can. It gave me this strangely comfortable feeling, like we were part of the Earth.

TV NARRATOR: Time for Tubby Bye, Bye! Time for Tubby Bye, Bye! Time for Tubby Bye, Bye!

CHORUS (weakly): Bye, Teletubbies.

MATT: Save your energy, dudes, they say goodbye for like fifteen minutes.

TV NARRATOR: Bye Bye Tinky-Winky, Bye Bye Dipsy, Bye Bye Laa-Laa, Bye Bye Po.

[The Teletubbies shrink down into the hole on top of the mound.]

SKIP: Whoa, that's like, reverse ejaculation, man.

MATT: Do you think the hole shaves off all of their fur when then squirt down it like that?

TV NARRATOR: The sun is setting in the sky, Teletubbies say goodbye.

[The sky turns orange. Ra the sun god begins to creep down towards the horizon. He surveys his domain with cruel irony.]

SKIP (reverently): That is my favorite part, man.

[The pizzas arrive.]

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