The Case
Cavegirl
An anthropology student who's also a massive nerd goes
on a field trip with his high school classmates and ends up in a cave. There he
finds some strange red crystals, touches them, they glow, and he's transported
25,000 years in the past. After evading a giant bear, he runs into a beautiful
blonde woman with shockingly good hygiene. From then on he attempts to put his
anthropological training to work and figure out the best way he can get convince
to her to let him into her loincloth. And that's your movie, with some added
hijinks by muttering cavepeople, a run-in with a mountain lion and a terrifying
encounter with some cannibals.
Remarks
It's not remotely funny and it's pathetic watching this
dork desperately try to score with a prehistoric woman who you would think
respond with success to some simple urination on the Alpha male of the tribe. A
pointless and gratuitous locker room scene (so, if girls find you in their
shower area they will chase you, topless and smiling, for five minutes?) is
about the only thing this movie is likely to be remembered for.
Final Grade
D (C+ on the Trashmeter)
Coach
Michael Biehn (The Terminator) stars as the star
shooting guard for a hapless high school boys basketball team that has the
talent but can't seem to win a game. Desperate to turn in a winning record the
school makes an unorthodox coaching change and bring aboard Olympic gold
medalist Randy Rawlings (Cathy Lee Crosby), a young, beautiful blonde bombshell
who's also not bad at shaping up the team. So they start winning on embarking on
their magical championship run, but it's the secondary storyline that makes the
film…er…noteworthy. See, Randy begins a passionate, sexual
relationship with one of her players and though that might be every high school
senior's dream, it's a bit creepy on film.
Remarks
So there's the illegal relationship between the coach
and her player, but besides that this is a sports feel-good movie played
straight, complete with slow-motion, dramatized basketball playing, a
last-second free throw to win the game, corny music and tiny shorts that cut off
the circulation to the genitals. There's something seriously wrong with the
audio mix though, rendering large swathes of dialogue unintelligible.
Final Grade
C (D on the Trashmeter)
Jocks
The Los Angeles College tennis
team heads to Las Vegas to compete in a tournament and regain championship glory
for the erstwhile program. Unfortunately, the tennis team is made up of freaks
and weirdos and are prone to screwing up, especially in Vegas where there's the
allure of gambling, drinking and strip poker. Worse, the arch-rival school will
do anything to win.
Remarks
Another sports comedy, though there's not a lot of
comic elements to mine from tennis, save of course for the ball-to-the-groin
gag. Donald Gibb, the lunatic frat guy from Revenge of the Nerds is pretty
great, though as "Ripper," the deranged tennis player.
Final Grade
D+ (C- on the Trashmeter)
My Tutor
A high school student desperate to lose his virginity
embarks on several sordid misadventures but because of high-larious
circumstances can never quite seem to land the deal. Until he meets his French
tutor, an attractive woman who has an affinity for swimming nude in the middle
of the night. Eventually, tutor and student embark on a steamy affair, which
gives her the kind of carnal, probably illegal sexual trysts she's been craving
after her last relationship fell apart and gives him the confidence he needs to
ask out his long-time crush on a date to the movies.
Remarks
This is a weird hybrid of straight coming-of-age story
and sleazy exploitation nudie romp. I'm not sure why a good-looking, rich high
school senior needs to go to whorehouses and car backseats with easy waitresses
to score some cheap pleasure (the fact that he has a voice like a Muppet
probably doesn't help), but I guess you need that set-up to get him so
blue-balled he goes after his French teacher. Also, Crispin Glover is in this
and he gets strapped to a dominatrix torture wheel.
Final Grade
C (A- on the Trashmeter)
The Beach Girls
With the school year over, two horny girls drive
to their prudish friend's beach house and pick up a strange hitchhiker on the
way. Then they invite a bunch of people over for a big party. Meanwhile, some
drug-runners dump a few kilos of marijuana in the ocean and once the Beach Girls
get a hold of this…they, uh, party some more.
Remarks
Really, this is just one big party. Nipples make
frequent appearances of course, and there is a small side story involving the
prude girl and her eventual transition into a whore, but that's all there is to
this: partying and nudity.
Final Grade
D (B+ on the Trashmeter)
Hunk
A successful, yet plain-looking, software developer makes a
deal with the devil to turn into the man he's always wanted to be: a
good-looking, muscular macho guy who knows karate and can't keep the ladies
away. Life is sweet until he starts having doubts about trading his soul for a
six-pack of abs and he becomes desperate to try and find a way out of his
supernatural predicament. Also, the guy's name is actually "Hunk."
Remarks
I honestly don't know what this has to do with anything
school-related. I can't even find the most tenuous thread to "too school
for school." Eh, who cares. It's a hugely stupid movie, saved only by its
bizarre premise of an idiot selling his soul to look like a blow-dried buffoon
who walks on the beach in a banana hammock.
Final Grade
D- (D- on the Trashmeter)
The Pom Pom Girls
It's the swinging '70s a group of high school
friends, poised to graduate, embark on all manner of misadventures before its
time to suck it up and grow up. These include drag-racing and hijacking a fire
truck and hosing down the opposing school's football team and making out a whole
lot in the back of vans.
Remarks
I'm not sure if this trying to ape the playful
debauchery of the Cheerleaders series of films, but The Pom Pom
Girls is nigh-sterile in comparison. The sleaze level is nil, but the
playfulness is topped out. Tune in if you're hankering for little more than a
cheesy blast from the past.
Final Grade
C (D- on the Trashmeter)
The Van
If you're a
scrawny loser and you want to turn into a ladies' man almost instantly, what do
you do? Sell your soul to the devil and change your name to the stupidest thing
possible? No, there's an easier way—buy a bitchin' van! That's what this
guy does, sinking all his money into a dope van, which for some reason makes him
irresistible to all manner of girls who find scrawny losers with vans
irresistible. Danny Devito's in this too.
Remarks
Here's the representative of the set for '70s sleaze.
All this is, is what it sounds like: loser gets a van and proceeds to roll
around with girls minus his pants. I do have to say the van is pretty
awesome. It's got white shag carpeting and a waterbed and a cooler paint job
than the A-Team's van.
Final Grade
D (A on the Trashmeter)
My Chauffeur
A snobbish limousine company is forced to hire a
hip, rockin' woman to be their next driver and she brings a flair and style all
her own to the job, all while romancing the boss's son with her style and
flair.
Remarks
There's a lot of lightweight blech on this set, but
this might be my least favorite entry into selection. As a comedy it's not funny
and as a romantic adventure it's—weird. The two lovers get into a car
accident and a mudslide and that cements their love? I half-expected Michael
Douglas to swing by on a whip.
Final Grade
D- (N/A on the Trashmeter)
Malibu Beach
Here's what the synopsis says on the back of the
disc case: "School's out and the kids line the Malibu shore for a wild
summer of fun." I can't do any better than that.
Remarks
Another beach movie, and much like The Beach
Girls, it's got the simplest of storylines on which to drape a bunch of
dancing, disrobing and sand frolicking. In fact the two films are so similar
they share the same sequence of a dog stealing a girls bikini top and the girl
scrambling up, stunned and minus her top and chasing down the dog. Great
creative filmmakers think alike.
Final Grade
C- (B+ on the Trashmeter)
Tomboy
Betsy Russell (Private School) stars as the titular
Tomboy, a spunky, attractive lass who likes spending her time underneath a car
or tuning an engine rather than partying with her edgy girlfriend. She's about
to get a dose of red-hot femininity when a studly race car driver courts her and
they start a love-filled adventure dilled with waterslides and dirt-biking.
Remarks
Again, nothing to do with school, but a fairly
entertaining '80s effort. It's kind of a tough sell having Russell do a Tomboy
look, but the costume designers throw enough layers on her to make it ambiguous.
As is the theme of the set, those layers don't stay on forever.
Final Grade
B- (B on the Trashmeter)
Weekend Pass
Four sailor pals
are granted a 72-hour leave from their duties with the Navy, and set loose upon
Los Angeles. The quartet has pretty much one thing on their mind: girls. Their
first stop is a strip club and from there on it's an adventure populated with
gang fights, vibrators, nerd love and the worst soundtrack I have ever heard in
a film.
Remarks
I suppose this movie is considered a "sex
comedy," though there's no sex and certainly no comedy to be found anywhere
within its 92-minute runtime. This is a completely forgettable film, and if
wasn't for the brief appearance by a very young Phil Hartman as the host of a
comedy club and the unholy theme song, there wouldn't be a neutron of purpose of
its existence
Final Grade
F (C on the Trashmeter)
All the movies save one (The Van) are transferred in 1.85:1
anamorphic widescreen and look surprisingly good, even the older models. Audio
is 2.0 stereo and there are no extras.
