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Case Number 17501: Small Claims Court

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Too Cool For School Collection

Mill Creek Entertainment // 1977 // 1005 Minutes // Not Rated
Reviewed by Judge David Johnson // October 16th, 2009

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All Rise...

Judge David Johnson isn't just too cool for school, he's @#$%%#$%$ awesome.

The Charge

"Go hunk!"

The Case

An anthropology student who's also a massive nerd goes on a field trip with his high school classmates and ends up in a cave. There he finds some strange red crystals, touches them, they glow, and he's transported 25,000 years in the past. After evading a giant bear, he runs into a beautiful blonde woman with shockingly good hygiene. From then on he attempts to put his anthropological training to work and figure out the best way he can get convince to her to let him into her loincloth. And that's your movie, with some added hijinks by muttering cavepeople, a run-in with a mountain lion and a terrifying encounter with some cannibals.

It's not remotely funny and it's pathetic watching this dork desperately try to score with a prehistoric woman who you would think respond with success to some simple urination on the Alpha male of the tribe. A pointless and gratuitous locker room scene (so, if girls find you in their shower area they will chase you, topless and smiling, for five minutes?) is about the only thing this movie is likely to be remembered for.

Final Grade
D (C+ on the Trashmeter)

Michael Biehn (The Terminator) stars as the star shooting guard for a hapless high school boys basketball team that has the talent but can't seem to win a game. Desperate to turn in a winning record the school makes an unorthodox coaching change and bring aboard Olympic gold medalist Randy Rawlings (Cathy Lee Crosby), a young, beautiful blonde bombshell who's also not bad at shaping up the team. So they start winning on embarking on their magical championship run, but it's the secondary storyline that makes the film…er…noteworthy. See, Randy begins a passionate, sexual relationship with one of her players and though that might be every high school senior's dream, it's a bit creepy on film.

So there's the illegal relationship between the coach and her player, but besides that this is a sports feel-good movie played straight, complete with slow-motion, dramatized basketball playing, a last-second free throw to win the game, corny music and tiny shorts that cut off the circulation to the genitals. There's something seriously wrong with the audio mix though, rendering large swathes of dialogue unintelligible.

Final Grade
C (D on the Trashmeter)

The Los Angeles College tennis team heads to Las Vegas to compete in a tournament and regain championship glory for the erstwhile program. Unfortunately, the tennis team is made up of freaks and weirdos and are prone to screwing up, especially in Vegas where there's the allure of gambling, drinking and strip poker. Worse, the arch-rival school will do anything to win.

Another sports comedy, though there's not a lot of comic elements to mine from tennis, save of course for the ball-to-the-groin gag. Donald Gibb, the lunatic frat guy from Revenge of the Nerds is pretty great, though as "Ripper," the deranged tennis player.

Final Grade
D+ (C- on the Trashmeter)

My Tutor
A high school student desperate to lose his virginity embarks on several sordid misadventures but because of high-larious circumstances can never quite seem to land the deal. Until he meets his French tutor, an attractive woman who has an affinity for swimming nude in the middle of the night. Eventually, tutor and student embark on a steamy affair, which gives her the kind of carnal, probably illegal sexual trysts she's been craving after her last relationship fell apart and gives him the confidence he needs to ask out his long-time crush on a date to the movies.

This is a weird hybrid of straight coming-of-age story and sleazy exploitation nudie romp. I'm not sure why a good-looking, rich high school senior needs to go to whorehouses and car backseats with easy waitresses to score some cheap pleasure (the fact that he has a voice like a Muppet probably doesn't help), but I guess you need that set-up to get him so blue-balled he goes after his French teacher. Also, Crispin Glover is in this and he gets strapped to a dominatrix torture wheel.

Final Grade
C (A- on the Trashmeter)

The Beach Girls
With the school year over, two horny girls drive to their prudish friend's beach house and pick up a strange hitchhiker on the way. Then they invite a bunch of people over for a big party. Meanwhile, some drug-runners dump a few kilos of marijuana in the ocean and once the Beach Girls get a hold of this…they, uh, party some more.

Really, this is just one big party. Nipples make frequent appearances of course, and there is a small side story involving the prude girl and her eventual transition into a whore, but that's all there is to this: partying and nudity.

Final Grade
D (B+ on the Trashmeter)

A successful, yet plain-looking, software developer makes a deal with the devil to turn into the man he's always wanted to be: a good-looking, muscular macho guy who knows karate and can't keep the ladies away. Life is sweet until he starts having doubts about trading his soul for a six-pack of abs and he becomes desperate to try and find a way out of his supernatural predicament. Also, the guy's name is actually "Hunk."

I honestly don't know what this has to do with anything school-related. I can't even find the most tenuous thread to "too school for school." Eh, who cares. It's a hugely stupid movie, saved only by its bizarre premise of an idiot selling his soul to look like a blow-dried buffoon who walks on the beach in a banana hammock.

Final Grade
D- (D- on the Trashmeter)

The Pom Pom Girls
It's the swinging '70s a group of high school friends, poised to graduate, embark on all manner of misadventures before its time to suck it up and grow up. These include drag-racing and hijacking a fire truck and hosing down the opposing school's football team and making out a whole lot in the back of vans.

I'm not sure if this trying to ape the playful debauchery of the Cheerleaders series of films, but The Pom Pom Girls is nigh-sterile in comparison. The sleaze level is nil, but the playfulness is topped out. Tune in if you're hankering for little more than a cheesy blast from the past.

Final Grade
C (D- on the Trashmeter)

The Van
If you're a scrawny loser and you want to turn into a ladies' man almost instantly, what do you do? Sell your soul to the devil and change your name to the stupidest thing possible? No, there's an easier way—buy a bitchin' van! That's what this guy does, sinking all his money into a dope van, which for some reason makes him irresistible to all manner of girls who find scrawny losers with vans irresistible. Danny Devito's in this too.

Here's the representative of the set for '70s sleaze. All this is, is what it sounds like: loser gets a van and proceeds to roll around with girls minus his pants. I do have to say the van is pretty awesome. It's got white shag carpeting and a waterbed and a cooler paint job than the A-Team's van.

Final Grade
D (A on the Trashmeter)

My Chauffeur
A snobbish limousine company is forced to hire a hip, rockin' woman to be their next driver and she brings a flair and style all her own to the job, all while romancing the boss's son with her style and flair.

There's a lot of lightweight blech on this set, but this might be my least favorite entry into selection. As a comedy it's not funny and as a romantic adventure it's—weird. The two lovers get into a car accident and a mudslide and that cements their love? I half-expected Michael Douglas to swing by on a whip.

Final Grade
D- (N/A on the Trashmeter)

Malibu Beach
Here's what the synopsis says on the back of the disc case: "School's out and the kids line the Malibu shore for a wild summer of fun." I can't do any better than that.

Another beach movie, and much like The Beach Girls, it's got the simplest of storylines on which to drape a bunch of dancing, disrobing and sand frolicking. In fact the two films are so similar they share the same sequence of a dog stealing a girls bikini top and the girl scrambling up, stunned and minus her top and chasing down the dog. Great creative filmmakers think alike.

Final Grade
C- (B+ on the Trashmeter)

Betsy Russell (Private School) stars as the titular Tomboy, a spunky, attractive lass who likes spending her time underneath a car or tuning an engine rather than partying with her edgy girlfriend. She's about to get a dose of red-hot femininity when a studly race car driver courts her and they start a love-filled adventure dilled with waterslides and dirt-biking.

Again, nothing to do with school, but a fairly entertaining '80s effort. It's kind of a tough sell having Russell do a Tomboy look, but the costume designers throw enough layers on her to make it ambiguous. As is the theme of the set, those layers don't stay on forever.

Final Grade
B- (B on the Trashmeter)

Weekend Pass
Four sailor pals are granted a 72-hour leave from their duties with the Navy, and set loose upon Los Angeles. The quartet has pretty much one thing on their mind: girls. Their first stop is a strip club and from there on it's an adventure populated with gang fights, vibrators, nerd love and the worst soundtrack I have ever heard in a film.

I suppose this movie is considered a "sex comedy," though there's no sex and certainly no comedy to be found anywhere within its 92-minute runtime. This is a completely forgettable film, and if wasn't for the brief appearance by a very young Phil Hartman as the host of a comedy club and the unholy theme song, there wouldn't be a neutron of purpose of its existence

Final Grade
F (C on the Trashmeter)

All the movies save one (The Van) are transferred in 1.85:1 anamorphic widescreen and look surprisingly good, even the older models. Audio is 2.0 stereo and there are no extras.

The Verdict

It's a hugely uneven collection of movies, but if you like the USA "Up All Night" kind of grist, I think you can have a good time with this set. Not Guilty.

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Scales of Justice

Judgment: 80

Perp Profile

Studio: Mill Creek Entertainment
Video Formats:
• 1.85:1 Anamorphic
• Full Frame
Audio Formats:
• Dolby Digital 2.0 Stereo (English)
• None
Running Time: 1005 Minutes
Release Year: 1977
MPAA Rating: Not Rated
• Comedy
• Cult
• Exploitation
• Teen

Distinguishing Marks

• None

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