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Case Number 08853: Small Claims Court

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Total Romance: Ultimate Games

Pathfinder // 2002 // 90 Minutes // Unrated
Reviewed by Judge David Johnson // March 18th, 2006

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All Rise...

You know what Judge David Johnson thinks the ultimate game is? Boggle!

The Charge

Big apologies to Dr. Seuss.

The Case

Martina and Andy (Alex Lundqvist)
Are two friends from France.
She's cruel and controlling;
He wants in her pants.

They dress really nice,
And lounge poolside each day.
But when they get bored,
Games of lust they will play.

Martina is mad,
Her lover's evaded!
For a virginal airhead,
Martina's been traded.

She turns to her friend,
Her horny companion,
And dares Andy to try
And seduce the fair maiden.

But Andy's not down,
And submits his denial—
See, there's another innocent
He wants to defile.

"I won't! I can't! I shan't!"
Shouts Andy, refusing the dare.
But Martina just smiles
And plays with her hair.

"I know how you feel,"
She says with a flash of allure,
"I know what you want,
And I know I'm demure."

"So I've got a proposal,
A wager, you see.
If you don't strike out,
I'll give you…me!"

"We can do it in the park!
We can do it in a box!
We can do it near a bear,
Or a skunk! Or a fox!"

"We can do it at night!
We can do it all day!
We can do it in the tub!
And on the bidet!"

"We can do it at my house,
Or your house, or Frank's!
We can do it while eating
Burlugnian Kranks!"

"So, what you're saying,"
Responds Andy with a wink,
"Is if I score with my girl,
You'll touch my diddly-frink?"

"And if you swing and miss,"
Martina replied,
"You'll debauch this b****
Who pimped my ride."

The bet is on.
The deal was made.
And Andy sojourns…
To fornicate.

He heads to the castle,
Where his conquest abides,
To lower the drawbirdge
Where his cannon resides.

But she is unwilling and leery,
And resists his advances.
"No! No! No!" she says,
"Do not open your pants-es!"

"So be it!" says Andy,
And leaves in a huff,
Seeking out other women
To delight in the buff.

He found Minerva and Maddie
And Wanda and Jean!
There was Glenda and Brenda
And Sue Ellen Bean!

One girl, two girls,
Three at a time!
Fluids a'flowing!
(In some states a crime!)

All night, all day,
Until his stamina depleted,
Andy pleasured the ladies,
While they (rhyme deleted).

Genitalia aplenty,
And regrets M.I.A.,
These Parisians cavorted,
And rolled in the hay.

But there's only one girl
That Andy desires,
And he has yet to attain her,
(But, man, his nuts are on fire!)

Gonorrhea or no,
His libido is primed,
To go for the gold,
Before he runs out of time.

Will Martina prove right?
Is the game hers to win?
Or will the virginal pawn,
Indulge in her sin?

And so it all ends,
Many beds have been worn.
Hearts have been broken,
Groin muscles torn.

Breasts have been exposed,
And nipples were pinched,
Butts aplenty caressed,
And plugodoinks cinched.

There's been boinking and doinking,
And flooper-doo-dee,
With vigorous kazoinking,
And schlalooping with glee!

So if you do it in a box,
On the couch or in a tree,
Or upside down, smothered
In twenty-six pounds of Brie,

Heed then this story
Of Martina and Andy!
What did we learn?
Well, nothing, except that these people have lots and lots of indiscriminate, anonymous sex, set to overwrought Euro-ballads.

Oh, and they think it's…dandy!

The End.

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Scales of Justice

Judgment: 75

Perp Profile

Studio: Pathfinder
Video Formats:
• 1.85:1 Anamorphic
Audio Formats:
• Dolby Digital 2.0 Stereo (English)
• Dolby Digital 2.0 Stereo (French)
• None
Running Time: 90 Minutes
Release Year: 2002
MPAA Rating: Unrated
• Drama
• Erotic

Distinguishing Marks

• DVD Credits


• IMDb

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