Judge David Johnson gorged himself on ten Troma movies for this review. The authorities are welcoming any details about his disappearance.
My dear friends, are you ready for this explosion of schlock?! What lies ahead are 10—that's right, 10—films of such low-grade quality, that their very existence, together, in one set, will likely create great rifts in the space-time continuum, throwing all of existence off-kilter, and ushering in an era of existential breakdown that will surely obliterate all of creation.
But let us surge forward regardless and take a look at this massive offering of Troma crap, brought to you by the good folks at BCI.
"Till Death do them part!"
Wow, I actually recall having seen this movie years back. Basically, the film follows the misadventures of a group of well-proportioned women and their profoundly unattractive male counterparts and their experience at a cursed romantic retreat.
The lovers systematically meet with grisly ends, apparently at the hands of an undead transvestite. Whatever. This movie covers all of its '80s-trash bases, ladling on the nudity, eye make-up, cheap horror gags, and large hair. There's some Tromaesque fun to be had here.
So what's with all the…
Fertilize the Blaspheming Bombshell!
"She was a bombshell from Brooklyn on a cross country ride to Hell!"
Formerly titled Mark of the Beast, Troma obviously opted for a sexier title. Contrived and infantile the current title is, sure, but it's an accurate representation of what's on this disc. There is a bombshell and the goal of the antagonists is to fertilizer her; though I don't know what the "blaspheming" bit has to do with anything.
This plot avoids any and all heavy-lifting, and settles for a "woman-in-peril" gig. Sheila Caan stars as the titular bombshell, imported from New York to a backwater desert town to investigate the mysterious death of her sister. Turns out, there's a gaggle of Satanists running around, looking for the ideal woman to impregnate with the spawn of Satan (as delivered by the bald, frumpy head Satanist).
Stultifying dialogue and a pointless shower scene comprise much of the film, but when our heroine is scooped up by the cult and tied down for a ritual fraught with torches, middle-aged devil-worshippers, and topless females (what was wrong with their wombs?), the flick picks up steam. From then on, it's Sheila versus the world as she breaks free and spends the remainder of the runtime hauling ass through the desert in her panties.
There are some good moments, but the film is almost impossible to watch because of the piss-poor video quality. The daytime scenes are okay, but when night falls—and it does often and for extended periods of time—everything turns muddy.
If this film is an accurate representation of the current state of
Deadly Daphne's Revenge
"There's nothing more dangerous than a woman seeking revenge…"
The subtitle for this dull, uninspired revenge picture is "Men will be shocked! Women will understand!" Not sure what that means. The central premise is that a poor girl is raped by a group of hicks and goes out to lay down some justice on their white trash asses. I don't know any guys that can't get behind that. However, I do know plenty of guys who don't like watching stupid, boring movies, and they will most likely ignore this turd.
The much-hyped revenge transpires during the last five minutes, and for the preceding 83, you'll have to endure what feels like a half-baked Lifetime original movie. There is a rape scene and like all rape scenes, it's shocking and disturbing, but beyond that, you can basically expect a few ugly guys in their early forties talking to their lawyers. The film is marketed as something like I Spit on Your Grave, but don't be fooled: it's relatively tame. And boring (did I mention that?)
If I were a drunken, horny hick…
Dead Dudes in the House
"This house wasn't repossessed—it's just plain possessed!"
Don't be fooled by the cover. It features five seeming cast-offs from an early-'90s boy band, wielding knives and looking all weirded out. This isn't a hip-hop comedy/horror splatterfest, but more a straight-up haunted house movie. And the funny thing is, it's actually not too bad.
Across the board it looks every bit the low-budget slasher it is, featuring horrible acting from charisma-free college kids and a threadbare plot (guy buys a house to fix up, yet sticks around despite the systematic slaying of his friends). But what rescues this flick from total banishment into the Clearance Bin of Despair is the liberal gore effects.
Sure they're cheesy, but writer/director J. Riffel has enough sense to load on the blood and guts, and he obviously had fun doing it. Said "Dead Dudes" stumble around covered in Karo syrup, have their hands cut off at the wrists and plummet to the death out of windows, get their guts ripped out, and even find themselves clipped in half.
It's not high art, but Dead Dudes in the House offers a fair amount of Z-grade fun.
Croaked: Frog Monster From Hell
This movie sucks and is boring and your time would be better spent stapling pastrami to your housecat.
Demented Death Farm Massacre
"Where doing the chores means sticking a pitchfork through somebody's guts!"
Personally, I think adding "Demented" to the title was a bit much,
and "Death Farm Massacre" could have likely stood well enough on its
own, but no one asked me so let's just get on with it. Anyway, the story follows
a group of diamond thieves as they attempt to flee from their latest caper. They
take refuge in a farm stuck in the middle of nowhere, where they encounter the
creepy "Farmer" and his family.
Soon, the criminals and the natives clash in several episodes of subdued violence. Basically, this is a slow-burn movie, culminating in some moderate-to-fun killings. It's not nearly as outrageous as the contrived title would have you believe, but the mayhem suffices. Not an "udder" waste of time. (Ka-ching!)
Their first clue might have been to…
Space Zombie Bingo!
I'm not entirely sure what went on in this movie. I know there were zombies in it, and they are indeed from space, and when they're not wandering around cemeteries terrorizing bystanders, they're wearing helmets with dorky little antennas.
Space Zombie Bingo! is not—surprise—a horror movie or a scifi movie. What it is is onscreen stream of consciousness. The story is nonsensical, jumping like crazy from set-piece to set-piece, populated by overacting characters (Major Bendover for example) and beyond terrible special effects.
There are some spots of entertaining lunacy interspersed with the inanity, but for the long haul you're looking at a bunch of stupid people running from Apple IIE quality special effects. Skip it.
Curse of the Cannibal Confederates
"The South shall rise again…and again…and again!"
Four jerks go camping for the weekend, but soon find themselves embroiled in a harrowing night of desperate survival and bad makeup. Why does that sound familiar? The premise for this old-ass negative-budget outing is that Confederate soldiers are rising from the grave to start the killing the idiots that trespassed on their cemetery.
Hey, fine with me, except that because the video quality is so godforsaken, and most of the zombie action transpires at night, I'm left with watching vague shadows screaming and moving. From time to time I was able to make out a pale-faced Confederate, and some of the climactic cannibalism was gooey enough, but the majority of the film remains a murky incoherent mess.
I blame man-eating, reanimated Confederate soldiers…
Video Demons Do Psychotown
"Winner! Second Place for Most Misleading Film Title (1989)"
Don't plan on any demons in this lame slasher flick. Or for that matter, don't plan on seeing many psychos in this so-called psycho town; there's only one (I'm thinking the selectmen need to issue a referendum to change the town's motto to Welcome to Psychotown! Don't let our crappy name fool you, we've only got one crazy-ass mofo running around killing people!)
The plot follows two college students working to finish their video documentary project on said town. They've heard of bizarre happenings and seek to investigate the goings-on.
Unfortunately, two things prevent them from completing their project: 1) a maniac on the loose with a penchant for stabbing perfectly compliant victims in the chest, and 2) their complete inability to keep their hands off of each-other. Seriously, these two horn-dogs couldn't go twelve consecutive seconds without engaging in a drawn-out session of lovemaking.
An uninspired, unsatisfying, tired entry into the genre.
Is it me…
Stuff Stephanie in the Incinerator
"Don't throw your love away…burn it!"
Let's end this marathon of pain on a high note, shall we? Through Troma would have you believe otherwise, Stuff Stephanie in the Incinerator is nothing like its brethren horror schlock.
First, it's only PG-13. There is no gore, no nudity, no tasteless gags—basically, nothing Tromatic. But I'm glad it's been included in this set. Despite its lack of the signature exploitation elements you will certainly have come to expect after enduring the nine previous films, this one is the best of the bunch.
There are a lot of twists in story, so I won't blow all the secrets. Basically, the film follows the exploits of a group of rich friends who enjoy creating elaborate ruses on unsuspecting "victims."
What the film excels at is confounding the viewer as to what is real and what is a facade. The narrative loop-dee-loops are executed well, and the performances are surprisingly effective. All of that bolstered by a lighthearted atmosphere add up to an honest-to-goodness pretty-good little movie. And there's a nifty twist at the end.
Oh, and about that "stuffing Stephanie in the incinerator" business, this is only briefly alluded it to for like eight seconds in the actual film.
One for ten…
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• IMDb: Demented Death Farm Massacre
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