The Case
Welcome to the first ever Crappy Movie LiveBLAHg. Today's entry is
Lionsgate's Twin Daggers, a martial-arts/comedy/romance/period-piece that
is exactly as weird and schizophrenic as that description made it sound. So join
me as I endure a profoundly dumb movie. (Note: See that picture on the disc case
with the two guys jump-kicking each other in front of a gong? Yeah, nothing like
that happens in this movie.)
00:10—The opening credits. Lots of spinning knives. A title card that
looks like it was designed on a Commodore 64 version of Print Shop.
02:02—A guy that looks like a clean-shaven Desmond from Lost beats
up a couple of Yakuza assassins with an abacus.
02:19—One of the
Yakuza guys has abacus beads in his face and is still at it. Definite risk of
infection.
02:50—Sorry, but Abacus Boy is the least intimidating kung fu fighter
I've ever seen. And that includes all 3 Ninjas.
03:42—Now we have
an exotic dancer gyrating in an uncoordinated manner. I've seen dry heaves that
were sexier.
05:26—Wow she's an assassin! With a spring-loaded
knife in her shoe. And she sliced that dude's neck! And the arterial spray
clotted instantly!
06:30—WTF? A cat burglar and a Russian antique
dealer are tossing each other shotguns and precious vases.
07:03—Is
this burglar drunk?
07:19—Yes, yes he is.
07:35—Looks
like we've got some mafia guys. Eating Banquet frozen meals.
08:42—Is that…a mime?
08:52—Mime fight!
08:58—Set to the music from Back to the Future?!
09:19—That mime just knocked down a door! A real one!
11:21—It's a meeting! Meetings are exciting!
12:19—Our new
assassin friends have been brought together by a small Asian man with a mustache
and the acting ability of a rainbow trout.
13:21—Now the cat
burglar and the exotic dancer are fighting each other. And the Back to the
Future music make a return! Great Scott!
14:41—"First and
foremost…show me the moolah." What kind of fearsome assassin speaks
like that?
15:50—Wow, Abacus Boy has some great on-screen charisma.
I think I spotted a key grip hang himself in the background
17:09—Stock footage. Now we're in China.
17:41—So our heroes
have been hired to assassinate the twin of their employer.
18:36—First up is Mr. Mime.
19:00—Oh snap! Abacus Boy gets in
there before him!
20:01—Playful dialogue between Abacus Boy and the
mark. I'm surprised she hasn't opened her veins yet.
21:49—W-what?
Is Goofy Cat Burglar wearing a dress? No wonder these are the top killers in the
world. Who at a Chinese formal party will notice a towering black man in a red
dress and a blond wig? The man is a wraith!
22:56—Hey that old lady is shaking her cleavage at me. This film got a
whole lot…more horrifying.
23:02—This guy looks about as
feminine as Pat Roach in Willow.
23:25—Why are they dancing in the restroom? Is that a common occurrence in
women's bathrooms? What have I been missing out on all these years?
26:39—Blue balls!
27:03—The scene transitions are more
action-packed than anything I've seen in the film.
27:23—Watch out,
she's going to strangle you with Glide!
29:49—I have no idea what
she just said.
30:05—Nothing says "sexual tension" like
boring-ass calligraphy.
31:21—Can you still score reciting Romeo
and Juliet? Maybe the cliche hasn't caught on in China.
33:49—Thank goodness the chauffer didn't notice the crazy woman firing an
arrow into the car tire through his side-view mirror.
36:09—It's a
bike cop! Reminds me of that old USA series Pacific Blue. Mario Lopez was
in that right? Great show! Though you can film only so many white-knuckle bike
chases scenes.
38:01—Mr. Mime just took out a gun-toting enforcer
with a puffy ball he shot out of his mouth!
38:11—And now he
produced a magic wand out of thin air and is beating the other guy senseless!
38:42—Sadly the fight ends and no once gets bludgeoned with a
bouquet of plastic flowers.
39:25—Mr. Mime reminds me of Nod, from
Superman II.
40:50—There's sure a lot of exposition going down right now. And I'm not
following any of it.
42:18—This has to be one of the worst
choreographed fight scenes I've ever seen.
42:46—Tap-dancing!
Exactly what's been lacking in modern-day action filmmaking.
43:37—Seriously this has to be seen to be believed. I never though someone
could make nun-chucks look stupid.
44:19—Doves! Is John Woo
involved in this abomination somehow?
45:05—A quick scan of the
credits says no. But maybe his nephew is the caterer or something.
46:59—"And I'll be exercising all the way to the kitchen for some ice
cream." Just what I'd expect to hear out of the mouth of a bodyguard.
47:37—Courtship, American Gladiators style.
50:24—"She is consumed with hatred." Just once I'd like to say
that and mean it.
52:00—He just said "This is business"
in perfect harmony with his fist knocking on the desk. Someone's been playing
Rock Band.
54:12—Another fight scene. This time with a
sledgehammer. And a poncho.
54:50—This editing is horrible. He just
did a split in the air and the next cut he's on the ground with a spin kick.
55:15—CGI pipe sighting!
55:27—If you have time to say
"Uh oh," you probably have time to leap out of the way of the falling
box.
57:43—He's letting him get to second base and he didn't even
have to run The Eliminator.
60:43—Nothing to report.
62:29—Still nothing.
63:15—Mr. Mime! Long time no see my man.
63:40—Mr. Mime has man-boobs.
64:01—Stunt Double
Pro-Tip: An Asian guy in mime make-up looks like an Asian guy in mime
make-up.
64:59—Matrix knock-off move sighting!
66:04—Why
don't you waste a little more time before you kill her?
66:31—See
what all that lollygagging bought you? A slashed throat. Congratulations.
69:39—The only thing I can think of talking about is his tie. It's
horrible. Back to being bored.
71:11—Startling Revelation sighting!
72:45—Time for more exposition. We know it's going to be go-time so
let's get on with it.
73:45—Hello Back to the Future music!
I've missed you.
76:17—These flashbacks are making me dizzy. No,
wait, "dizzy" isn't the sensation I'm feeling right now.
"Lethargic" is what I'm after.
77:07—About time: The
Climactic Battle.
77:15—Sweet, she's using a lethal fan, like from
Mortal Kombat.
78:29—Garrrgh, another flashback. In the middle of a
sword fight no less.
79:19—Who am I supposed to be rooting for
here?
80:46—Well that was disappointing.
81:24—Post-impalement flashback!
82:19—I get it. Theirs was a
romance for all time, a love that will endure. Yet I strangely do not give a
crap.
84:08—"Thanks for being my staff in my dummy
corporation." Nice, a shout-out to the flunkies.
85:04—Man,
this is really weird. She's thanking all the people who participated in
supporting her blood vendetta. They're coming out one at a time, hugging her and
everyone else is clapping. It's like the finale of The Amazing Race.
85:52—"I couldn't say I wasn't scared around that ruthless
assassin." Thanks for your honesty.
86:29—End credits.
This movie sucked my unmentionables. The rest of the business: 1.85:1
anamorphic widescreen, 5.1 Dolby Digital, trailers.
Give us your feedback!
Did we give Twin Daggers (A Live Blahg Review) a fair trial? yes / no
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