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Case Number 14287: Small Claims Court

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Twin Daggers (A Live Blahg Review)

Lionsgate // 2007 // 90 Minutes // Rated R
Reviewed by Judge David Johnson // August 15th, 2008

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All Rise...

Judge David Johnson named his goldfish "Twin Daggers." There's no story beyond that.

The Charge

Revenge is only the beginning.

The Case

Welcome to the first ever Crappy Movie LiveBLAHg. Today's entry is Lionsgate's Twin Daggers, a martial-arts/comedy/romance/period-piece that is exactly as weird and schizophrenic as that description made it sound. So join me as I endure a profoundly dumb movie. (Note: See that picture on the disc case with the two guys jump-kicking each other in front of a gong? Yeah, nothing like that happens in this movie.)

00:10—The opening credits. Lots of spinning knives. A title card that looks like it was designed on a Commodore 64 version of Print Shop.
02:02—A guy that looks like a clean-shaven Desmond from Lost beats up a couple of Yakuza assassins with an abacus.
02:19—One of the Yakuza guys has abacus beads in his face and is still at it. Definite risk of infection.

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02:50—Sorry, but Abacus Boy is the least intimidating kung fu fighter I've ever seen. And that includes all 3 Ninjas.
03:42—Now we have an exotic dancer gyrating in an uncoordinated manner. I've seen dry heaves that were sexier.
05:26—Wow she's an assassin! With a spring-loaded knife in her shoe. And she sliced that dude's neck! And the arterial spray clotted instantly!
06:30—WTF? A cat burglar and a Russian antique dealer are tossing each other shotguns and precious vases.
07:03—Is this burglar drunk?
07:19—Yes, yes he is.
07:35—Looks like we've got some mafia guys. Eating Banquet frozen meals.
08:42—Is that…a mime?
08:52—Mime fight!
08:58—Set to the music from Back to the Future?!
09:19—That mime just knocked down a door! A real one!
11:21—It's a meeting! Meetings are exciting!
12:19—Our new assassin friends have been brought together by a small Asian man with a mustache and the acting ability of a rainbow trout.
13:21—Now the cat burglar and the exotic dancer are fighting each other. And the Back to the Future music make a return! Great Scott!
14:41—"First and foremost…show me the moolah." What kind of fearsome assassin speaks like that?
15:50—Wow, Abacus Boy has some great on-screen charisma. I think I spotted a key grip hang himself in the background
17:09—Stock footage. Now we're in China.
17:41—So our heroes have been hired to assassinate the twin of their employer.
18:36—First up is Mr. Mime.
19:00—Oh snap! Abacus Boy gets in there before him!
20:01—Playful dialogue between Abacus Boy and the mark. I'm surprised she hasn't opened her veins yet.
21:49—W-what? Is Goofy Cat Burglar wearing a dress? No wonder these are the top killers in the world. Who at a Chinese formal party will notice a towering black man in a red dress and a blond wig? The man is a wraith!

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22:56—Hey that old lady is shaking her cleavage at me. This film got a whole lot…more horrifying.
23:02—This guy looks about as feminine as Pat Roach in Willow.
23:25—Why are they dancing in the restroom? Is that a common occurrence in women's bathrooms? What have I been missing out on all these years?
26:39—Blue balls!
27:03—The scene transitions are more action-packed than anything I've seen in the film.
27:23—Watch out, she's going to strangle you with Glide!
29:49—I have no idea what she just said.
30:05—Nothing says "sexual tension" like boring-ass calligraphy.
31:21—Can you still score reciting Romeo and Juliet? Maybe the cliche hasn't caught on in China.
33:49—Thank goodness the chauffer didn't notice the crazy woman firing an arrow into the car tire through his side-view mirror.
36:09—It's a bike cop! Reminds me of that old USA series Pacific Blue. Mario Lopez was in that right? Great show! Though you can film only so many white-knuckle bike chases scenes.
38:01—Mr. Mime just took out a gun-toting enforcer with a puffy ball he shot out of his mouth!
38:11—And now he produced a magic wand out of thin air and is beating the other guy senseless!
38:42—Sadly the fight ends and no once gets bludgeoned with a bouquet of plastic flowers.
39:25—Mr. Mime reminds me of Nod, from Superman II.
40:50—There's sure a lot of exposition going down right now. And I'm not following any of it.
42:18—This has to be one of the worst choreographed fight scenes I've ever seen.
42:46—Tap-dancing! Exactly what's been lacking in modern-day action filmmaking.
43:37—Seriously this has to be seen to be believed. I never though someone could make nun-chucks look stupid.
44:19—Doves! Is John Woo involved in this abomination somehow?
45:05—A quick scan of the credits says no. But maybe his nephew is the caterer or something.
46:59—"And I'll be exercising all the way to the kitchen for some ice cream." Just what I'd expect to hear out of the mouth of a bodyguard.
47:37—Courtship, American Gladiators style.
50:24—"She is consumed with hatred." Just once I'd like to say that and mean it.
52:00—He just said "This is business" in perfect harmony with his fist knocking on the desk. Someone's been playing Rock Band.
54:12—Another fight scene. This time with a sledgehammer. And a poncho.
54:50—This editing is horrible. He just did a split in the air and the next cut he's on the ground with a spin kick.
55:15—CGI pipe sighting!
55:27—If you have time to say "Uh oh," you probably have time to leap out of the way of the falling box.
57:43—He's letting him get to second base and he didn't even have to run The Eliminator.
60:43—Nothing to report.
62:29—Still nothing.
63:15—Mr. Mime! Long time no see my man.
63:40—Mr. Mime has man-boobs.
64:01—Stunt Double Pro-Tip: An Asian guy in mime make-up looks like an Asian guy in mime make-up.

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64:59—Matrix knock-off move sighting!
66:04—Why don't you waste a little more time before you kill her?
66:31—See what all that lollygagging bought you? A slashed throat. Congratulations.
69:39—The only thing I can think of talking about is his tie. It's horrible. Back to being bored.
71:11—Startling Revelation sighting!
72:45—Time for more exposition. We know it's going to be go-time so let's get on with it.
73:45—Hello Back to the Future music! I've missed you.
76:17—These flashbacks are making me dizzy. No, wait, "dizzy" isn't the sensation I'm feeling right now. "Lethargic" is what I'm after.
77:07—About time: The Climactic Battle.
77:15—Sweet, she's using a lethal fan, like from Mortal Kombat.
78:29—Garrrgh, another flashback. In the middle of a sword fight no less.
79:19—Who am I supposed to be rooting for here?
80:46—Well that was disappointing.
81:24—Post-impalement flashback!
82:19—I get it. Theirs was a romance for all time, a love that will endure. Yet I strangely do not give a crap.
84:08—"Thanks for being my staff in my dummy corporation." Nice, a shout-out to the flunkies.
85:04—Man, this is really weird. She's thanking all the people who participated in supporting her blood vendetta. They're coming out one at a time, hugging her and everyone else is clapping. It's like the finale of The Amazing Race.
85:52—"I couldn't say I wasn't scared around that ruthless assassin." Thanks for your honesty.
86:29—End credits.

This movie sucked my unmentionables. The rest of the business: 1.85:1 anamorphic widescreen, 5.1 Dolby Digital, trailers.

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Scales of Justice

Judgment: 50

Perp Profile

Studio: Lionsgate
Video Formats:
• 1.85:1 Anamorphic
Audio Formats:
• Dolby Digital 5.1 Surround (English)
Subtitles:
• English
• Spanish
Running Time: 90 Minutes
Release Year: 2007
MPAA Rating: Rated R
Genres:
• Action
• Bad
• Martial Arts

Distinguishing Marks

• None

Accomplices

• None








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