Judge Adam Arseneau wants to believe this DVD never existed.
The grand deception and cover up of the UFO phenomenon.
As a way of introduction, let's begin here: The most plausible, easy to accept, and grounded concept that you, the audience, will be asked to believe during UFOs Do Not Exist! is that the American government has perfected time travel and invisibility technology, stolen from secret research gleamed from crashed UFOs. As for the rest of the two hours of rambling incoherence…Well, you might want to take it with a grain of salt. It gets a bit weird.
UFOs Do Not Exist! is technically a film, in that it comes on a DVD, in a plastic case, and you watch it on your television. More specifically, it is a two-hour slide show of static photographs, set to the incoherent rambling of a conspiracy theorist using a static-riddled microphone, probably built into the chassis of a cheap laptop. It feels mad, in the Cheshire Cat sense of the word, a disjointed mumbling miasma of logical fallacies, unsubstantiated claims, and full-blown made-up nonsense, swaying wildly from topic to topic, from the Philadelphia Experiment to the Montauk Project Base, from UFO sightings in World War II and Vietnam to unsubstantiated sightings from Hollywood celebrities like Warren Beatty and Walter Cronkite. It feels like someone leaked Exhibit A from the insanity defense of a lunatic on trial for trying to break into the Smithsonian Museum to prove it was a secret alien base, and then sold it on DVD for twenty bucks a pop. It feels like a DVD you would get handed on the streets of New York City outside the remnants of the World Trade Center for free, by a man wearing an apocalyptic wooden placard and nothing else.
To prevent the overflow of my inbox from angered UFO lovers and conspiracy nuts berating me for drinking the fluorinated water, let me say this: I don't have any problem with UFO theories. Heck, I have well-worn copies of Budd Hopkins books on my Ikea bookshelves. I do take issue, however, with poorly made documentaries about conspiracy theories—and this is one of the worst I've seen.
The sad thing here is that the film is doomed, tragically, to fail. The shoddy production values, the total lack of anything cinematic (a slideshow, for heaven's sake!) the overloaded narrative with no substantiated evidence—it all leads to a wholly unbelievable presentation that no sane person could possibly buy into. After sitting through two hours of this narrative train wreck, you will be absolutely convinced, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that none of this could possibly true, because this DVD was made by a crazy person, and an even crazier person bought it and took it home.
As for technical specs, forget it. Full frame, mono sound—'nuff said. This is as homemade as homemade gets, and not in a good way. The transfer looks like someone whipped it up on a home computer. Knell's dialogue is simultaneously crackled and muffled, and he actually stumbles and flubs his lines, suggesting he did this in a single, lunatic take.
This is a documentary that fails catastrophically on a Shakespearian level: the narrator doth protest too much, methinks. UFOs Do Not Exist! tries to sew up every single errant conspiracy theory over the last eighty years into one single, omniscient Unified Theory of Crazy Theories, in which shadowy governments lurking in the shadows—with help from the reverse vampires and the Rand Corporation—fly about in invisible time travelling spaceships above American cities. Sorry, no.
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