Appellate Judge Rob Lineberger has a collection too—but molds, spores, and fungi aren't nearly as erotic as buxom bombshells.
Free love, female nymphos, male libertines, and pornography…oh my!
The Buxom Bombshell "Collection" moniker reminds me of an exchange with Terry the security guard from Grosse Pointe Blank:
Paul: Did you get a call, Terry?
See, there's just one featured movie in this collection, Fancy Lady. This grindhouse blast from the past is a plot-thin, bosom-heavy vehicle for Uschi Digard. There is a bonus, 53-minute movie included called Dirty Pool. I'm just saying, you can't have it both ways…is this a single movie release with a hell of a bonus feature, or a double feature with a few extras? In either case, you get to see a lot of Uschi, which is the important thing.
Facts of the Case
Uschi Digard is Karin Nykquist, a Dutch field reporter exploring the steamy underbelly of the San Fran sex scene. From her pit stop in a grindhouse theater to her voyeuristic peek at a swinging couple and their afternoon delight, Karin sees things that rouse her own senses.
The included bonus/feature film Dirty Pool tells a tragic tale of a man driven mad by his nympho wife. It seems that sunlight sends her love machine into overdrive, and her poor hubby can't keep up. Swingers to the rescue!
I don't usually harp on marketing, but just to emphasize the point: This is not a collection. It is at most a double feature. The misnomer is particularly confusing because Retro-Seduction Cinema has something even better on their hands, a virtually unknown film.
Most people would agree that the Internet Movie Database is the gold standard for movie information. As a curated database that allows public submissions, it is probably the most complete record of film on the web. Yet if you search the filmographies of porn starlet Uschi Digard or director Nick Philips, Fancy Lady is nowhere to be found. In fact, aside from a barebones MSN Movies entry, a cursory search reveals no mention of Fancy Lady that isn't tied to this DVD release. If I were in charge of this release, I'd be pimping the lost film of Immortal Grindhouse Starlet Uschi Digard!
So what's so great about Uschi, anyway? 42nd Street Pete says it best; she has massive natural breasts and knows how to use them. Uschi radiates an animalistic aura of raw sex, even when her clothes are on. When she drops her blouse and reveals the nicest set of huge natural breasts you're likely to see, it seals the deal.
During its 54-minute run time, Fancy Lady only has three sex scenes. They happen to be extensive; the first frolic between two lesbians in the park lasts for over twenty minutes! Your average Cinemax flick would have crammed six scenes into that window. We're dealing with a different beast here, and it takes time to get acclimated to the pace.
I wish the scenes had been even longer, because maybe we could have avoided the ridiculous voiceovers and crappy "story" wedged among the sex. See, Fancy Lady acts like an actual anthropological exploration of cultural differences in sexuality. The sex is constantly interrupted by Karin's inane patter about what she's seeing, almost like an Olympic pundit might blather on about ice skating. The shtick is so forced that I wanted to stuff a silk scarf into her mouth to muffle the sound.
On one hand, I was put off by the glacial pacing and faux fondling that stood in for actual lovemaking. The last five minutes of each scene is hot, but the fifteen minutes of pawing and vaguely placed mouths is more suggestive than sexual. But I also appreciated the relative verisimilitude. The people are real, and some of the angles show honest-to-goodness naughty parts. Fancy Lady is to vapid softcore as independent films are to Hollywood popcorn flicks. Uschi's solo scene is the real story. She earns her praise with gusto. Beautiful and natural, her enthusiasm comes through. It is a feat to make a solo scene with a high heel even remotely hot, but she does.
Given its low profile, seeing the movie at all on DVD is a win. Nonetheless, the print and soundtrack are in wretched shape. We're talking elementary school film strips here. Colors are faint, detail is poor, and scratches rule the screen. The audio is no picnic either, with warbling distortion, volume fluctuations, dropouts, and bad mastering.
Speaking of things I'd change if I were in charge of this release—I'd promote Dirty Pool to the main feature. Fancy Lady is nothing but a few sex scenes with ludicrous voiceovers. Dirty Pool actually has a plot with characters and mise-en-scène. Uschi trades her high heel in for a pool, and the pool is a much better accessory for Uschi's assets. It is true that Dirty Pool is laughably bad as far as plot and dialogue are concerned, but it has heart and a Dragnet-like vibe. On the other hand, it has hilarious voiceovers spewing tacky beatnik poetry, so maybe I can see where Retro-Seduction Cinema is coming from.
Retro-Seduction rounds out the DVD with truly interesting features. 42nd Street Pete provides an authentic, Howard Stern-ish account of the grindhouse scene. He paints a great picture for what sexy cinema was like in the '70s. He heaps glowing praise on Uschi and Nick Philips while looking down his nose at how spoiled we are by the Internet. Terry Thome's liner notes provide a detailed account of Uschi's career, while 42nd Street Pete provides a blow-by-blow summary of Fancy Lady. An 8mm film loop featuring Uschi engaged in phone sex is pretty racy, with hardcore footage thrown in. It is badly damaged, but provides a harder counterpoint to the movies on the DVD.
Putting annoyances like video quality, voiceovers, and mismarketing aside, The Buxom Bombshell Collection is a fascinating time capsule of authentic grindhouse fare. Uschi Digard is as magnetic as advertised. Her movies are a nice mixture of steamy softcore and hilariously quaint dialogue. Throw in some juicy extras, and you have the very definition of a cheap thrill.
The court orders Uschi to pay a $250 fine for bad voiceovers.
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