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Case Number 20936: Small Claims Court

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Vampire Boys

Ariztical Entertainment // 2010 // 70 Minutes // Not Rated
Reviewed by Judge Brett Cullum // March 18th, 2011

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All Rise...

Judge Brett Cullum finds it no surprise that gay vampires suck.

The Charge

A gay version of Twilight? Did anyone ask for that?

The Case

Vampire Boys takes the glittering skin idea of teen vampire romances and puts it all into a gay exploitation film with plenty of abs and fangs. Jasin (Jason Lockhart, Edge of Seventeen) leads a pack of male vampires, but he has to find a mate or they will all die. Everybody in his brood wants their leader to pick a pretty college girl who is open to being a vampire, but then along comes a hot guy (Christian Ferrer) who catches the Lost Boy's eye. Unfortunately one of the other fanged out hot dudes (Dylan Vox, The Lair) doesn't cotton to the idea too much. Maybe it's jealousy, but for some reason they guy objects to having a gay leader that will pick an eternal male lover. What makes it even more curious is these vampires seem to have no problem with full frontal nudity, so the homophobia seems to come from nowhere. Ah well! Does any of this really need to make sense? Basically it's an excuse to show naked dudes in a vampire film.

Gay horror movies usually suck and this one is no exception. I am not sure why, but mixing homosexual themes with the horror genre just feels wrong. It spins everything in to hopeless camp that is overly concerned with sexy imagery rather than thrills. It's absolutely silly, and there's nothing here that works. Even having Dylan Vox from Here TV's gay vampire show doesn't help matters. He's absolutely used to mixing porn with vein puncture, but he seems as lost as the rest of the boys. Maybe it's because the whole thing was shot in six days, and the script is ridiculous.

The DVD looks fine. The film itself was shot on the cheap, but here it is represented with a clean print. Hard to tell about color transfer because the director uses filters in almost every scene so coloring is always off. For extras we get a making-of featurette which gives you a great idea about how low budget the film was, but at least they seemed to have fun. There is also a pretty nice slide show that proves a calendar of this would be better than the actual movie.

Vampire Boys is almost unwatchable, but at least the vampires look like they haven't touched a carbohydrate in about a century. Who knew a blood diet was pure protein? Luckily for this crew apparently gym memberships and tanning are eternal. Hair product can be bought in bulk as well. Something doesn't work whenever someone tries to marry horror with gay porn, and this one doesn't have enough of either to satisfy anybody. We get a quick glimpse of blood and full frontal male nudity all in one scene that has little to do with the plot. Not enough gore and not enough wang.

The Verdict

Guilty of sucking.

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Scales of Justice

Judgment: 69

Perp Profile

Studio: Ariztical Entertainment
Video Formats:
• 2.40:1 Anamorphic
Audio Formats:
• Dolby Digital 2.0 Stereo (English)
Subtitles:
• None
Running Time: 70 Minutes
Release Year: 2010
MPAA Rating: Not Rated
Genres:
• Gay
• Horror
• Romance

Distinguishing Marks

• Featurette
• Slideshow

Accomplices

• IMDb








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