Judge David Johnson is pale and angst-ridden.
Our review of Vampires Suck (Unrated), published December 7th, 2010, is also available.
Our long, national nightmare continues…
I'd love to employ some hack vampire wordplay here, but all the terrible clichés were used on the disc cover.
Facts of the Case
From Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, the two guys who have been an unstoppable toxic waste factory of awful parody movies, comes their latest, the inevitable Twilight spoof job.
This is a different Friedberg/Seltzer misadventure than what I'm used to. The Date Movie/Disaster Movie/Epic Movie blueprint of blending together a series of cultural references whether they have anything to do with "dating" or "disasters" or "epics" and offering the resulting steaming pile of offal up as "parody."
With Vampires Suck, you're looking at essentially a beat-by-beat retelling of the Twilight movies. And when I say beat-by-beat, that's what I mean. Scenes and sequences are recreated wholesale and is the case with these Friedberg and Seltzer feature-length enemas, the tweaks for "comic effect" are minimal. So you'll have the Edward/Bella scene re-done and then the Bella character says something and points to the Jersey Shore cast. For some reason.
There are a lot of "for some reason" set-ups tossed in, whether it's a random kick to the groin or a non-sequitur involving Alice in Wonderland. The result is an oppressive atmosphere of desperation to somehow—somehow!!!—get a laugh. If that means fistfights with a man in a wheelchair or the hackiest of hack jokes about Fox News, then so be it.
None of it works, however, and the manner in which these attempts at humor flame out is simultaneously terrifying and nauseating. Terrifying because there is apparently enough of an audience to keep green-lighting these nightmares and nauseating for, well, I feel like I came up with funnier jokes with my moron high school friends at the lunch table and no one is giving me a couple million bucks to make movies.
The Blu-ray features both the theatrical and the extended "Bite Me" edition (ha!) but all that separates the two is about a minute-and-a-half of footage. There is no reason why an unrated version has to be included save for the obvious reason that something unrated might tend to come across as edgier and sell better. But that's just me being cynical, I'm sure.
Picture quality is fine enough, though the detail struck me as soft. It still represents a noticeable upgrade over its standard-def counterparts and doesn't flounder, but I was far from floored. DTS-HD Master Audio track performs well, but doesn't have much to do; Vampires Suck is a muted, slow-moving affair. It's also not funny at all. Have I not mentioned that already?
Extras: bloopers (hey at least there was some laughter associated with the production) and deleted scenes that best left unmentioned.
The Rebuttal Witnesses
There was one gag I sort of liked, as Edward and Bella race through the woods on a Segway. Also, you had some shots taken at the overwrought teenage angst of the Twilight phenomenon; you'd think those would be layups, but in typical fashion Friedberg and Seltzer milked them into an emaciated turd husk.
What does it say about the awfulness of a movie to make me want to defend Twilight?!
Guilty. Please, stop making these movies and get a stockroom job at Hot Topic or something.
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Scales of Justice
• Theatrical Version
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