Hello, Daddy, hello, Mom, Judge Patrick Bromley's your ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-cherry bomb.
Never give it up.
I can't quite put my finger on it, but for some reason I really hated the 2009 sex comedy Wild Cherry. Like, really hated it. It's not the worst movie I've ever seen, or even the worst movie I've had to review during my tenure at DVD Verdict. Still, I, like, really hated it. It makes me angry to think about it. And then bored. And then angry at how bored I am. And then my anger bores me, and then I'm angry for being so angry that it's bored me. You understand.
Shot in 2009 (and just seeing the light of day now, which goes to show you that it's better never than late), Wild Cherry focuses on three high school girls desperate to shed their virginity. There's Helen (Tania Raymonde, Lost), the good girl; Katlyn (Rumer Willis, Sorority Row), the bad girl; and Trish (Kristin Cavallari, The Hills), the girl who is not an actress but who used to be on a reality show and so now has been stunt-cast in a terrible sex comedy that's at least a decade too late. You know, that girl. The trio finds out that the members of their school football team have a list of virgins they're determined to deflower by the end of the season, so they make a pact with all the girls at school not to give in to any sexual demands and remain chaste, because that will teach them all a lesson and blah blah blah. Also, some people fart and ingest semen in ice cubes and take erection medication that lands them in the hospital and masturbate with vegetables and blah blah blah. I hate this movie.
I get it, Wild Cherry. You want to be American Pie for the female set, and instead of making a movie about teenage boys trying to lose their virginity, you're a movie about teenage girls holding onto theirs. On the surface, anyway. Because actually Wild Cherry is horribly hypocritical and misogynistic in its attitudes about female sexuality. The males in this movie are horrible human beings—borderline date-rapists—and, yet, I guess we're supposed to be happy when the girls decide to APOLOGIZE to them for withholding sex and then sleep with them anyway. Because they own their stupidity, see? They want to have sex, too, so actually the movie is very progressive, because it says that girls can want and enjoy sex as much as guys. WRONG. That's what Wild Cherry wishes it was saying. What it really says is that no matter how badly a guy treats you—if he lies to you, humiliates you, reduces you only to a walking vagina with pesky attitudes and opinions and the ability to say "no"—you should probably still give him sex anyway, because maybe he's popular or maybe you don't want to be a virgin or whatever. Wild Cherry's messages about teenage sexuality aren't just dishonest. They're dangerous.
All of that would matter a lot more if I thought anyone was going to see this nightmare. They won't. Even those young people foolish enough to give it a rent because that girl from The Hills is in it (let's face it; these people aren't making good choices as it is) are likely to shut it off in the first 20 minutes, because in addition to being truly, painfully unfunny, Wild Cherry is astoundingly boring. Movies about young people trying to get laid might be juvenile and they might be gross (this movie strives for both) and they might be crude and obnoxious, but they probably shouldn't be boring. This one sweats and flounders every 15 minutes or so and throws in some lame setpiece (see above) in the interest of generating some "raunchy" comedy, but not only is it all completely mishandled (no one knows how to set up, stage or pay off a joke), it's all horribly familiar as well. This wave of movies passed in the early 2000s, and it wasn't all that welcome back then. Wild Cherry is attempting to cash in on a phenomenon that hasn't been in fashion for roughly a decade, and then does it badly on top of it all.
The Blu-ray of Wild Cherry is pretty much exactly what you would expect from a movie this bad: it's flat, drab, soft and lifeless, with really none of that advantages of the HD format shining through. I won't say it looks like a VHS tape, but it has the same feeling of watching one—there's nothing that pops out or comes alive on screen. It's boring to look at, through and through. Same goes for the 5.1 DTS-HD master audio track, which is fine at delivering dialogue but does nothing else of note. The only other thing I can even remember about the soundtrack (and keep in mind that I watched the movie within the last 24 hours) is that it's filled with wall-to-wall punk-pop music—you know, the kind that was popular when the original American Pie hit theaters in 1999. The only extra included on the disc is a theatrical trailer, presented in standard definition.
There are so, so many terrible sex comedies about teenagers trying to have sex. Many of them are from the '80s and have long been forgotten, mostly for good reason. Almost any one of them would be preferable to Wild Cherry.
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