Judge David Johnson would like to be the first to officially welcome Troma back to the fold. We've missed you.
"The Antichrist is coming! The world will end! Let's have sex!"
"About that sex thing, seriously, let's have it."
Facts of the Case
A serial killer is preying upon attractive young females, who, besides their top-heavy nature, all have one thing in common: they're wearing gold crosses. Baffled, the intrepid crime-fighting duo of Detectives Lutz (Kurt Alan) and Garner (John Holiday) enlists the help of renowned Supernatural Attorney (their words) Will Spanner (Jerry Spicer, stunt coordinator for Live Nude Girls!) to help crack the case.
Spanner is at first reluctant, content to stay away from the supernatural happenings that plague him and killing time with his hot wife. But Will's overriding sense of duty and honor compel him to get involved, so he does. And thank goodness. After a glance at one of the murder victims, he notices a Pentagram tattoo on her inner thigh and realizes that what is at play here is farm more diabolical than a simple string of serial murders…
Meanwhile, we find out that the killers responsible for the attacks are a man/woman team of devil worshippers, working for a satanic high priest to track down the perfect virginal sacrifice to usher in the Devil's seed. After multiple attempts and failures (each attempt requiring sex to be had), the high priest realizes that Will Spanner and a woman close to him hold the key to his sinister plot.
Now the forces of good and evil, as well as their respective genitalia, are on a collision course that may or may not bring about the end of the world.
Witchcraft 666 marks the midpoint of this horror/soft core series. Yeah, that's right; to date there's been 12 of these bad boys released into the world. And all of them (save for the first I hear) can be characterized by two things: boatloads of nudity and mind-numbing everything else. This film is super-trash, and ripe for a Troma harvest.
I'll make it simple for you: the only folks interested in this flick will be the nudity-hounds. Because, brother, when there's no flesh on screen, this movie shoots blanks. Scenes alternate from poorly-acted, cerebellum-rupturing dialogue sequences to gratuitous boinking in bathwater. And those are you choices—blather or lather.
Sure, the skin should appeal to the audience seeking out such carnal glee; the women are attractive and a far cry from the silicon-infused Barbiesteins that so populate late-night pay cable (or so I'm told), and the copulation is indeed copious. But the stuff in between—you know, the movie—is of the lowest quality.
Of course, Witchcraft 666 is, out of the gate, handicapped. The premise of a group of Satanists (read: crew members hastily dressed in hoodies) trying to find just the right girl for Hellish breeding purposes is as boring as they come. And the execution is worse. You've got Head Stud Devil-Worshiper running around town seeking out hapless females so that he can assault them with his pitchfork and his whorish counterpart who, if she could just manage to keep her cloths on long enough, might actually accomplish something substantial for the fiendish nether realm. But no, she can't, and the Prince of Darkness is left languishing in the depths of Hell, his nefarious plot to dominate the Earth and enslave humanity botched because his two principle envoys can't keep their flies zipped.
Worse, when these two underachievers aren't having awkward sex in public places, the audience is subjected to the moronic musings of the two detectives, as they try to talk through their little murder mystery. And when Will Spanner enters the scene the collective IQ of these dashing investigators drops 50 points.
None of this is shocking, obviously. Witchcraft 666 seeks only to cram as much T&A as possible into its brief runtime, and to that extent, I guess it's a success. Plus, Troma makes it easy for you, chopping up the chapter access menu into "nudity selection," which will take you directly to the "good" parts. See, Troma knows what this DVD's purpose is, and it's not as an object lesson in crafting compelling supernatural mystery narratives.
The full frame, 2.0 stereo treatment is as unimpressive as it gets. The picture quality is horrible, characterized by the fuzzy, soft look you'd expect from early '90s low-budget almost-porn. As for extras, Troma sweetens the deal by tossing in a brief montage of lesbian scenes from its other releases, gives you a few trailers, the tired "Radiation March" spot, and retail bit for the "Make Your Own Damn Movie!" box set.
On the disc case is a "Mr. Skin Pick to Click" sticker. I think that about sums up everything you need to know about this ridiculous movie.
For a Troma movie, not guilty. For any other kind of movie, throw away the #%$&@$ key.
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Scales of Justice
• Nudity Selection
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