All Rise...

Judge David Johnson's Guide to Adultery: "Keep it in your pants, dumbass. The End."

The Charge

When passion overrides willpower.

The Case

"Hey, that show on HBO is a huge hit! Who's the guy in it? You know, that guy from the Hobbit movie. Don't we have an old movie with him kickin' around the vault somewhere? Go dig it out!"

That's how A Woman's Guide to Adultery landed at my doorstep and wormed its way into my DVD player. Sean Bean (Game of Thrones) is indeed in this movie. He plays a young, flirty photography professor named Paul who wears high-riding sweat pants and sports a premium mullet. His character is merely one in an ensemble, as this lengthy tale looks at several parallel storylines involving infidelity, broken marriages, and…well, girl power. I got that last bit from the bitter, heavy-handed lectures and speeches the women deliver, which makes me want to leave my house and live out the rest of my days as a eunuch in the White Mountains.

Beyond a cash-in attempt on Sean Bean's fame, I can't summon any reason for A Woman's Guide to Adultery to come back to us. The storyline follows separate women and their unlucky and often painful pursuits of men who are either married or emotionally stunted. The Bean-centric story, which finds a particularly repugnant woman named Rose (Theresa Russell, Wild Things) stupidly falling for him (Paul) even though she knows he has a wife. She then proceeds to get vindictive, when he opts to end their affair and stick with his spouse, who happens to be pregnant. Paul comes off looking like a flaccid doormat and Rose, who sets off on a campaign to publicly humiliate him with nude photos, turns into a detestable she-demon. Frankly, I could care less if either of these tools find happiness.

It all wraps up with a tacked-on ending that is so contrived and dumb—the sisterhood comes together to realize their true feminine power—it's actually a net-minus for the cause. If being a strong woman means banging some male tramp then turning into a bitter, revenge-seeker who might destroy a marriage and an unborn child's future, well, screw you Susan B. Anthony.

Wait, I didn't mean that.

Anyway, this is drippy, soap opera tripe.

The DVD: a sloppy, low-res full frame transfer, 2.0 stereo, and no extras.

The Verdict

Pin the "A" to this DVD and lock it up in the stockades.

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